Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to stay home today?

98 replies

Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:02

Been up since midnight with a bad case of D&V and a delightful UTI thrown in for good measure. Can’t keep water down and generally feel shit and want to rest.

I asked DP if he could stay home to look after DCs (2&3) and he said no, he needed to go into work. I stayed in bed for a few minutes longer and was called a fucking wanker and he stormed out shouting something about not taking me out for dinner this weekend as we had planned.

I get a sick bug about once and year and I’m always left to look after the DCs while DP goes to work. He has taken one day off to help me out in 3 years which was when I had a migraine and couldn’t actually stand up. So it’s not like he has to do it a lot.

AIBU in feeling really pissed off about it? In fact I’ve told him not to bother coming home tonight as he’s really upset me with the lack of support and name calling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:34

I’ve said for a long time that I think I would be happier as a single parent.

He has said that he will make that hard for me though when I have suggested splitting.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 19/07/2018 07:35

He's a dickhead op.

I hope you feel better soon Thanks

Lots of tv for the kids, snacky foods and a takeaway for dinner.

Dolphinswimmingupsidedown · 19/07/2018 07:35

So presumably he gets to choose when he wants a day off, but as you’re the SAHP, you never have this chance? I’d get the kids into nursery a day or two a week and then you have some space (to plan your escape).

Bibesia · 19/07/2018 07:37

How can he make being a single parent hard for you? Even if he gives up working, it sounds as if he doesn't want to make the effort of looking after your children anyway.

Beebiesandcheebies · 19/07/2018 07:37

You poor thing. Disgusting him talking to you like that. Hope he apologised to you!
I don't think you are BU at all. A sickness bug can take it out of you hugely. You need bed rest! Looking after children is exhausting. He could have tried at least half a day.Flowers

Noqont · 19/07/2018 07:38

How will he make that hard for you?

Assburgers · 19/07/2018 07:38

YANBU

lick his cutlery

aldaniti · 19/07/2018 07:40

I'd fell him to stick his dinner after speaking to you like that. Not acceptable. My DP stayed off a couple of months ago when I had a vomiting bug. It's fairly impossible to look after toddlers when you can't move from the bathroom.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/07/2018 07:40
  • I’ve said for a long time that I think I would be happier as a single parent.

He has said that he will make that hard for me though when I have suggested splitting.*

Considering that, he was never going to stay home to make your life easier, was he?

Or in fact do anything to make your life easier.

Cutietips · 19/07/2018 07:41

Is he often like this? It’s a really bad sign if he thinks that’s the way to resolve differences of opinion, to shout insults and storm off. And then punish you.

I really don’t understand why he couldn’t have just explained that he had a particularly important meeting, or a really difficult client, if that was the issue. Surely that’s the adult response.

If he regularly insults you or punishes you, then that really isn’t very good for your mental health. How is he normally with the children at evenings/weekends. Does he think it’s your job? That will tell you more about how he really thinks about you.

Hope you feel better soon OP Flowers.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 19/07/2018 07:41

No wonder your mental health is suffering living with an arsehole like that.

cloudchaos · 19/07/2018 07:42

It's sounds like him not helping you when you're sick is the least of your problems OP.

YANBU.

ShatnersBassoon · 19/07/2018 07:44

I fucking hate this 'women can crack on, we don't need help' mentality

I meant people can crack on. I'd have thought the same if a man with d&v wanted his wife to stay off work to watch the children. He too could just plonk them in front of the TV, feed them anything that can be tossed in their direction and have a nap in the afternoon.

Original poster
Brendatheblender · 19/07/2018 07:45

He is really good with the kids and very hands on, can’t fault him at all there.

I was detained under the mental health act a couple of weeks ago as I was a suicide risk, he would use all this against me and fight tooth and nail to have the kids. I’ve not been a great mum lately and he knows that.

OP posts:
gingerbread88 · 19/07/2018 07:45

You aren't being unreasonable to ask, you are really sick and the lack of sleep is a killer on top of it all.
My husband could very, very rarely drop everything and stay home to help me out as he has a lot of pre-planned meetings all day, every day but I wouldn't get name called for asking and being upset that he refused.
I think given that your husband stays in bed some Monday's as he can't be arsed and has the flexibility, then he is being awful getting so enraged that you dared to ask and struggled to get up with the children this morning when you're exhausted and very poorly.
I hope your mother in law can come over to help and you manage to get some sleep today. Sod going out for dinner with him this weekend anyway, he can stick that up his arse!

Tobebythesea · 19/07/2018 07:46

Although if he get D and V in the next few days you just know that he will stay in bed all day and not have to look after the children!

Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2018 07:46

OP, my mental health was all over the place when DH was living here, my anxiety levels were sky high. Once he moved out I felt much better.

How does he plan on making things harder for you if you kick him out? He can’t even take time off to look after his kids for one day so he’s not likely to step up and look after them when you split?

gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 19/07/2018 07:46

Wow, some really unsympathetic twats on this thread.

OP, YANBU. Especially since your h is self employed and can be flexible when he wants to.

Hope you feel better soon.

He was completely out of order, the way he spoke to you today. Is he normally so charming?

KinkyAfro · 19/07/2018 07:46

I bet your MH problems would all but disappear if you left his sorry arse. My partner would never ever talk to me like that, especially if I was ill.

You deserve much more OP, hope you're feeling better soon 🌹

Raffles1981 · 19/07/2018 07:47

He sounds like an emotional bully OP. He is BVVU. I'm sure he could have compromised. If you stay, you are miserable, if you leave, you would still have to put up with some of his shit, but you'd have some freedom. He wouldn't be in charge of you, as he seems to think he is now. Flowers

NotTakenUsername · 19/07/2018 07:48

“Fucking wanker”. What a charmer.

Does he take off when he is unwell?
If he comes home unwell, does he go to bed or take over with childcare?

You know you aren’t being unreasonable, deep down. He doesn’t have your back. He is a bully who is taking advantage of this sahm family dynamic.

I couldn’t respect a man like that.

Cutietips · 19/07/2018 07:49

I think you need to go and see a lawyer or CAB. Hopefully you could argue that it’s him contributing to your mental health and without him you’ll be fine with the kids!

mumpatrol · 19/07/2018 07:50

Well he sounds delightful Angry

Unsympathetic shit. Im probably right when I say if he had a D&V and a UTI to boot he'd be in bed all day very "woe is me" wouldn't lift a finger around the kids and expect you to look after him?

NotTakenUsername · 19/07/2018 07:50

I read this on another thread recently:

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first check that you're not surrounded by arseholes.”

ChangeofName911 · 19/07/2018 07:50

My EX has this much sympathy. Ex!!!