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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to Christening

102 replies

TerracottaDream · 18/07/2018 14:36

Had a shit few weeks and the thought of going to Christening where DH was Godfather was really keeping me going.
Total disclosure the parents are not my friends I have met them a few times but DH is in team with the father. My children were happy and made little card for baby and the youngest thought she had a new brother!
So yesterday bumped into the mother and said how I was looking forward to the Christening she went white then red and mumbled something about coming to church. It turns out they are taking grandparents, Godparents and siblings for lunch at posh hotel. They can’t afford to include partners.
DH was a bit shocked and rang his mate to clarify. He was apologetic but blamed finances. DH offered to pay but his mate felt the Godmother and siblings would then have to have things explained to them.
DH said to me after that had he known we weren’t invited he wouldn’t have agreed to be Godparent but feels he needs to follow through now.
I know I hardly know them but am I right to be upset? My DH was really chuffed to be asked and I got emotional when he was asked. I even bought the bloody present and had it engraved!

OP posts:

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 18/07/2018 14:39

You have a right to be upset but not a right to be there.

blackbirdbluebottle · 18/07/2018 14:39

That’s pretty awful to be honest. YANBU, they should have at least included partners in the meal. I take it DH can't fake an illness on the day of the ceremony?

gunnyBear · 18/07/2018 14:39

You're being unreasonable.

Christenings are bloody stupid.

You're being treated fairly.

They parents have been clear and have a good reason.

Get over it.

BlueTears · 18/07/2018 14:40

That is pretty shitty.
It doesn't matter if he has to explain your paying for yourself, if space isn't an issue then you should go!
It should have been made very clear from the start.

M00nUnit · 18/07/2018 14:41

Sorry you've had a shit few weeks. There's nothing wrong with the parents just having a small event if that's what they want though. They shouldn't feel obligated to invite people they hardly know.

Wolfiefan · 18/07/2018 14:41

Can't you attend the baptism but not the meal?
If you're not their friend then I'm not sure why they would take you out to a swanky hotel I'm afraid. They can't afford it.

ArnoldBee · 18/07/2018 14:41

Well they can't stop you from going to church so maybe your DH just doesn't go to the meal?

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 18/07/2018 14:44

That’s pretty awful to be honest. YANBU, they should have at least included partners in the meal. I take it DH can't fake an illness on the day of the ceremony?

So the godfather should not turn up and lie about it. That's atrocious behaviour.

Mind you 'I won't be godfather if my wife can't come.' is pretty awful too.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 18/07/2018 14:46

Well they can't stop you from going to church so maybe your DH just doesn't go to the meal?

Do you cease to exist the moment you're not with you husband? Can you not function as an individual?

wellBeehivedWoman · 18/07/2018 14:46

I take it DH can't fake an illness on the day of the ceremony

Bloody hell, what a suggestion! If her DH no longer feels like he can fulfil the role he should be honest and step down, not spite a poor baby by taking a godparent spot and then deceitfully lying about the ceremony. He's presumably an adult man and not a 12 year old who doesn't want to go to school today!

OP - YANBU to be upset. They should have invited you and if finances are tight they should have made cheaper arrangements and still made sure partners were invited. And they should have told you upfront.

It's up to your DH if he still wants to be godfather - if this will sour his relationship with the baby and mean he is less willing or able to fulfil the role, the decent thing would be to step down from it and let someone else be chosen.

If he still wants and is able to be godfather you will just have to accept not being invited but you wouldn't be unreasonable to have little to do with the parents yourself going forward.

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 14:48

I mean I wouldn't be that upset about not going to a Christening but they've made things really awkward and embarrassing for themselves, it's not usual to have a posh meal after a christening so if they couldn't afford it I don't know why they didn't just have a buffet lunch like most people do and invite partners

Cawfee · 18/07/2018 14:48

Yes it’s a bit upsetting but not the end of the world. To be honest, I normally do everything I can to get out of going to a christening. So boring. Your DH wanted you there, it’s not like he’s going on a weekend stag party so yeah, would be nice to be included but misunderstandings happen.let it be. Take the high road and stiff upper lip etc. Go to the cinema or something with your kids and try not to be a dramarama Queen about it.

eyycarumba · 18/07/2018 14:48

You would be unreasonable if you just assumed after they specifically only invited your DH, but you're not unreasonable if they never explicitly told the guests other halves weren't invited?? It is very odd that they would just assume their godparents wouldn't bring their partners or families

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/07/2018 14:50

personally if I was them i would forgo a posh dinner and pay the same for some platters at my home for everyone - if only to avoid inevitable confusion like this. C'est la vie if you arent close to them dont get worked up. Just remember if you ever host and need to slim down numbers just the husband and not his wife/kids.

MaxPepsi · 18/07/2018 14:50

All of you go to the ceremony.
Then DH can leave afterwards with you and you can all go for a meal somewhere else.

I've been to many christenings/naming ceremonies. In fact I have 3 godchildren myself, I've never known such an exclusive after party.

They can choose to celebrate how they like but informing the participants is usually a key part!

KC225 · 18/07/2018 14:54

Wolfie - really?

OP is a wife (and mother of his children) of the man they have chosen to be Godfather. I am assuming they have chosen him because they think he would be a guiding/positive influence, would his lifestyle as a husband and Father had something to do with that. She may not have been a friend but she has met them.

I think they are mean of spirit to reject your offer to pay for your own meal. I wouldn't blame for both going to the church but taking yourself off for a nice lunch just the two of you on Sunday.

FittonTower · 18/07/2018 14:57

You can go to the christening tho right? I admit I've never been to one but isnt the church bit the important bit?
And why not take the kids somewhere nice after while your DH is having a meal with his new godchild, that way you get to go to a christening and have a nice day too.

TruffleShuffles · 18/07/2018 15:07

I’m just baffled that a couple would choose someone to be the godfather of their child, something I see as quite important when they have nothing to do with that persons family family?

I think you have a right to be upset, I don’t understand why they didn’t offer to pay for who they are playing for and say that partners were welcome but would have to pay for themselves. That would have allowed you and your partner a choice.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 18/07/2018 15:14

Poor form to host an exclusive after party with only half the guests! Poor judgement that will inevitably lead to plenty of bad feeling. Their christening their choice, so I would go to the church service and head out somewhere after to support dh. I would make zero effort though just wear whatever you have to hand, turn up go through the motions and leave as soon as you can.
The hosts may live to regret such a mean spirited occasion.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 18/07/2018 15:14

You have a right to be upset but not a right to be there.

I agree with this. Although most christenings are a 'family type' affair, you should never assume your children are automatically invited, especially as you are not even close friends.

PolkaHots · 18/07/2018 15:17

If he would have turned down the opportunity to be god parent on the fact that you were not invited to the meal, it sounds like he doesn’t take the role very seriously.

FilledSoda · 18/07/2018 15:17

He should leave after the service.

Nikephorus · 18/07/2018 15:20

it's not usual to have a posh meal after a christening so if they couldn't afford it I don't know why they didn't just have a buffet lunch like most people do and invite partners
It doesn't matter what's 'usual' - it's their decision to have a family & godparents meal, and that sounds more reasonable to me given that it's a Christening. Christenings aren't meant to be a big party, they're meant to be about the child and introducing them into the Church. It's an event for those closest i.e. the family and the godparents.
It's fine to be a bit upset when you've been looking forward to it but you barely know them. And DH should be respecting their decision.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 18/07/2018 15:21

filledsoda why? They aren't joined at the hip.

MaiaRindell · 18/07/2018 15:21

The poor mum was obviously embarrassed. You aren't being excluded. They just can't afford to have everyone there. I think you have every right to feel strange about it, but your DH should go as invited.

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