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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to Christening

102 replies

TerracottaDream · 18/07/2018 14:36

Had a shit few weeks and the thought of going to Christening where DH was Godfather was really keeping me going.
Total disclosure the parents are not my friends I have met them a few times but DH is in team with the father. My children were happy and made little card for baby and the youngest thought she had a new brother!
So yesterday bumped into the mother and said how I was looking forward to the Christening she went white then red and mumbled something about coming to church. It turns out they are taking grandparents, Godparents and siblings for lunch at posh hotel. They can’t afford to include partners.
DH was a bit shocked and rang his mate to clarify. He was apologetic but blamed finances. DH offered to pay but his mate felt the Godmother and siblings would then have to have things explained to them.
DH said to me after that had he known we weren’t invited he wouldn’t have agreed to be Godparent but feels he needs to follow through now.
I know I hardly know them but am I right to be upset? My DH was really chuffed to be asked and I got emotional when he was asked. I even bought the bloody present and had it engraved!

OP posts:

Charolais · 18/07/2018 16:58

If your husband is going to be their child’s godfather then I would have thought they would have wanted to know you better. You should be at the lunch at least.

Babdoc · 18/07/2018 17:00

Christenings take place as part of the normal church service. So if you and DH would usually be at church that particular Sunday, you should both just go anyway. Afterwards, if DH prefers not to go to the bunfight without you, he can simply make his excuses and leave with you.
The baptism and vows are the important (and the only essential) parts of the day. The social stuff afterwards is purely optional.
Must say, I prefer the system in my (C of S) church, where the whole congregation formally promise to act as godparents to the child, and the biological parents vow to raise it as a Christian. There isn’t really a role for a separate friend or relative to be a godparent as such. Much less fraught, and no need for atheist friends to have to lie through their teeth at a ceremony they didn’t really want to be part of!

hammeringinmyhead · 18/07/2018 17:05

Yikes. If they don't tell people, I can imagine the other guests coming out of the church saying "Right! Where to next?" And them having to tell random uncles and cousins they're on their own.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/07/2018 17:08

I think it would have been wise for the parents to inform everyone what the sketch was in the beginning and I can understand why you'd be a bit upset. But after the mum had explained why it wasn't spouses etc I think that's the time to be grown up and try and understand why they're doing this.

Christenings are boring anyway OP. I'd be jumping for joy in your shoes

ohfourfoxache · 18/07/2018 17:12

Aw, Op I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through

I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable of the parents to have a small guest list, but they probably could have handled it better.

I guess you now at least know that they aren’t keen to have a close relationship

coolncalm · 18/07/2018 17:14

You're being unreasonable.

Christenings are bloody stupid

You're being treated fairly.

They parents have been clear and have a good reason.

Get over it.

Wow, what empathy, mumsnet at its finest.

FishingIsNotASport · 18/07/2018 17:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I think they are. I've been to various functions over the years, christenings, birthday meals, where guests have paid for themselves. I think it's a bit cheeky, but seems to be a way of having a 'do' at minimal cost and everyone who wants to be there can attend at no cost to the host. The latest was my God daughter's 16th birthday meal; lovely invitations, lovely venue and then afterwards we all had to cough-up. Personally I wouldn't have the nerve, but people do it so I don't see why you can't pay for yourself and the children and share in the celebration.

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 17:29

Something does not add up here. How come you don't know them very well, if your partner knows them so well that he is Godparent? Is this a newish relationship with your partner? Would they have any reason to think it's not a serious relationship?

Did you fall out with the friends at any point?

I know all of my husbands close friends very well - they now know us as a couple, regardless of where my DH met them or sees them regularly.

Once I felt annoyed that I was not invited to the wedding of the childhood friend of my then fiancé (not my current DH!). But we were engaged and had been together 5 years. Maybe I would have felt differently if we'd been together under a year.

Perhaps they really are just very skint.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 17:31

they can't be that skint if they are going to a posh hotel. If they were that skint, they could do a BYO picnic or buffet not excluding anyone.They are just rude.

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 17:42

Or maybe we don't have the full story here...
Just sounds odd she does not know them, but the DP is Godfather.

BrokenWing · 18/07/2018 17:46

It has been an unfortunate and awkward misunderstanding, they are not unreasonable limiting the numbers due to cost and you are not unreasonable to be disappointed when you thought you were going, especially when you have so much going on.

You can still be chuffed you have a dh someone has asked to be a god parent. If the children and you are excited about it why not take them to the service then have a treat out somewhere nice (KFC ) yourselves after?

As a PP says, lets hope they have made it clear to everyone else attending the service that they are on their own after (that, alone would be worth attending to see!!!)

Foslady · 18/07/2018 17:48

If that’s what they want to do then fine, their choice, but to not tell anyone until you mention it??? Not good, and would hack me off too, and the way how they haven’t passed on the message makes me think that they feel it might be a bit off too, I mean, if it was a money issue what would be wrong with saying that they’re happy to pay for the Christening party but if others would like to join it’s at their expense.........
Unless the couples parents have taken the even over and done what they want to do........

Abra1de · 18/07/2018 18:48

I no longer have religious faith but this makes me so cross. Christenings aris nr about showing off with swanky meals. Better to have sandwiches afterwards.

Sittingonaspindryer · 18/07/2018 19:48

@Trinity66, @Winterbella, @Katri0na

Being a godparent is not about taking on legal guardianship of children if the parents die . It is about providing moral and spiritual guidance through life. Godparents have never been intended as stand in parents. What family would accept their relatives being passed off to a friend rather than look after them themselves?

None of our godchildren stay with us (or us with them) for more than an occasional night. We each know each others godchildren as children of family friends, but are no more involved than that.

We don't have joint finances except for mortgages. Both of us have set up investment plans to take our godchildren through to 18, similar to a child trust fund, so other than cards, they don't get other presents from us.

Notmany · 18/07/2018 20:20

If you can't afford to invite spouses to such formal events then you should probably look for a cheaper venue. It is not about finances (because if they were struggling they wouldn't be treating a load of people to lunch in an expensive hotel. It is a clear choice to ignore spouses so they can have a better meal.

My advice is for your DH to be a godparent and attend the ceremony but politely decline the lunch invitation saying that he wouldn't feel right at a formal meal without his wife.

For those that are saying things like 'are you joined at the hip?' - these are formal social occasions amd it is good form to invite both parts of a couple to them.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 18/07/2018 20:25

It's a bit odd on their part but you're not being excluded they've just decided to have a small event. Since you hardly know them they probably assumed their baby's christining wouldn't be a big deal to you.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 20:31

Being a godparent is not about taking on legal guardianship of children if the parents die confused . It is about providing moral and spiritual guidance through life.

It can be both, sorry. If you chose a godparent, you make them an important part of your child's life. You can chose their uncle/auntie as godparent for exactly that reason!

What family would accept their relatives being passed off to a friend rather than look after them themselves?
It's not about what the "family" wants, it's about the best interest of the child as decided by the parents! Hence the importance of a clear will.

Sittingonaspindryer · 18/07/2018 21:01

I am well aware there can be an overlap. I am godparent to one of my nieces. It doesn't change the fact that being godparent does not automatically bestow an intent to have that person as guardian.

By the sound of it, your DH has also been named as legal guardian as well as godparent. Which is totally different and obviously would require you to be onboard with it. My son's godparents are not named as guardians, my sibling is. I am not named guardian for my niece for whom I am godparent.

Even if something is written in a will, I am pretty sure there would have to be a strong argument for why a child would be better off with a godparent (or A N Other individual) rather than a family member. Of course there will be situations where that is the case, but not for the majority. I would certainly contest a will if my nieces were placed with some of the people they have as godparents due to some of their behaviours.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/07/2018 21:30

Jesus that’s strange behaviour

No one does this ! It’s a family do . And your family are not invited

That’s said they are rude , have a nice day anyway and don’t let it upset you

So English . Such rudeness

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2018 21:35

first,
*Christenings are bloody stupid

You're being treated fairly.

They parents have been clear and have a good reason.

Get over it.*

You’re a rude dickhead. Hope that helps.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 21:36

I would certainly contest a will if my nieces were placed with some of the people they have as godparents due to some of their behaviours.

and go against the parents wishes? That's terrible! They might have very valid reason not to have named you as guardian!

Anyway, the point was that the role of godfather and godmother is important enough that it should involve the partners. I am aware that some people only see it as a joke and the obligation to send presents once a year, but for many people there's a stronger relationship so if the partner is not involved or not in friendly term with the family, it's not going to work.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2018 21:38

And, it’s bloody rude. Everyone goes to the church. Your dh has lunch with you and his family.
Godparents are supposed to be role models and potentially to bring up children if something happens to the parent. As his wife you’re pretty key in this and this is his first opportunity to be a role model.

SoShinySoChrome · 18/07/2018 21:45

The irony. A godfather but the rest of the family is barred.

Namechange128 · 18/07/2018 21:57

Like others said - to me, asking someone to be a godparent is a serious role where you are asking them to be a part of your family, makes sense to include their family also, even if this means a coffee and cake afterwards or buffet at home instead of a fancy do.
Also on a more transactional note, you got a present on the day and presumably would normally be getting things for birthday, Christmases etc through their childhood, but they couldn't spot you a lunch? Poor form.

I'd agree about not making drama but also assume that this is therefore being done more for the benefit of getting into a church school or something down the line, and assuming that they are expecting your involvement to reflect this.

deenagh · 18/07/2018 22:17

it's not usual to have a posh meal after a christening so if they couldn't afford it I don't know why they didn't just have a buffet lunch like most people do and invite partners

Some people prefer smaller gatherings for different reasons. I have a big extended family and usually everyone is invited to events like christenings, but I really can't be bothered with the hassle of organising and hosting a buffet or party so I'm planning on a meal with grandparents, godparents and my brother. Although godparents' partners and DC are invited.

OP, YANBU to be upset, but if you aren't invited, that's really up to the baby's parents. Don't let it get in the way of your DH standing as godfather for the baby. I was let down by the chosen godfather when DS1 was christened and it was very upsetting. I then had to ask my brother, last minute, it was a horrible situation as he felt under pressure to say yes, and probably felt a bit annoyed that he wasn't asked originally.

Seeing as your DH has offered to pay to bring you to the christening, could he maybe not take you out for dinner another night instead for a treat? It could be nicer to have a date with just him than share a meal at a small gathering of people you don't know.

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