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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to Christening

102 replies

TerracottaDream · 18/07/2018 14:36

Had a shit few weeks and the thought of going to Christening where DH was Godfather was really keeping me going.
Total disclosure the parents are not my friends I have met them a few times but DH is in team with the father. My children were happy and made little card for baby and the youngest thought she had a new brother!
So yesterday bumped into the mother and said how I was looking forward to the Christening she went white then red and mumbled something about coming to church. It turns out they are taking grandparents, Godparents and siblings for lunch at posh hotel. They can’t afford to include partners.
DH was a bit shocked and rang his mate to clarify. He was apologetic but blamed finances. DH offered to pay but his mate felt the Godmother and siblings would then have to have things explained to them.
DH said to me after that had he known we weren’t invited he wouldn’t have agreed to be Godparent but feels he needs to follow through now.
I know I hardly know them but am I right to be upset? My DH was really chuffed to be asked and I got emotional when he was asked. I even bought the bloody present and had it engraved!

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 18/07/2018 15:21

'exclusive after party' - WTF! It's a Christening, not a celebrity awards ceremony!!!!

Jaxhog · 18/07/2018 15:21

It is poor form of the hosts not to invite godparents partners. Do they expect the partners to hang around until after lunch?

I would either suggest DH goes on his own, or you both go and neither stays for lunch.

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 18/07/2018 15:22

If I was you this is what I’d do.

Send the gift, say thanks but no thanks to being godparents and have a nice day out together as a family.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 18/07/2018 15:29

If he doesn’t want to be a godfather (supposedly a life long commitment) because his wife (not godmother) isn’t invited to a meal that last a couple of hours, then he isn’t the right man for the job. He has a role, the OP doesn’t. And the Godmother isn’t taking her family either, so it’s equal towards both godparents.

However I do think it’s a very odd way of celebrating a christening. Any that I have ever been too have been a church service followed by an informal buffet usually at a family members house or a function room, with all the people attending the service welcome.

ciderhouserules · 18/07/2018 15:38

thought of going to Christening where DH was Godfather was really keeping me going and your youngest child thought she 'had a baby brother'??? You what?

This - for a family you barely know?

Bit OTT. I'm sorry you've had a shit couple of weeks, but - really? Not going to the christening of a child you don't really know, but have seemingly told your child is somehow related to her, is such a big deal to you?

Winterbella · 18/07/2018 15:39

I find these parents a bit strange you don't ask someone to be a godparent and expect that they will just turn up on their own when they have a wife and family, and if the meal is limited why didn't they say something before hand, why would you assume people would know that without being told. Were they just going to say at the church?

If it were me I would go to the church and then take the DC somewhere nice to eat and let them at it and meet up with DH after if he still wanted to go to their meal. Such a weird way to organise anything.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2018 15:40

Yabvvu, I would not have been expected to be invited in this situation. They are not having partners because of cost, it is not like you are the only one being left out, you are not close to the parents. It would be silly of your dh to turn down being a godfather because you are not invited.

Original poster
TerracottaDream · 18/07/2018 15:46

Thank you everyone even if you thought I was mad.
My brother died recently so I don’t know if I am coming or going.
I never told my children they had a new sibling that would be preposterous it was just something she said and I thought was sweet.
DH will go to church and meal and we will stay st home. It would be wrong to spoil parents’ day by not going to meal. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/07/2018 15:47

Don't go to the service - it will just look pushy now that the wife has clarified the situation. Your dh should go ahead - I think they have been clumsy but not deliberately setting out to cause offense. They simply don't know you and haven't thought this through properly.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 18/07/2018 15:47

What has booking a swanky posh restaurant got to do with an introduction to the church for the baby? Nothing at all that’s what.
The hosts should have invited all their guests for a few drinks and canapés instead of the lavish lunch for half the guests. Huge faux pas I doubt they will live down. Poor form.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/07/2018 15:48

Sorry to hear about your brother, Terracotta FlowersFlowers, it must be very hard. Grief can cloud things a bit, I have experiences of personal bereavement.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/07/2018 15:49

I am sorry for your loss x
I do think it is bound to affect how you feel about everything else Flowers

Piffle11 · 18/07/2018 15:50

I understand why you would presume you were invited. The fact that you've had a shit few weeks is probably making it worse for you. I would wave DH off and let him attend the whole thing alone and chalk it up to experience. I don't think I'd go to the church as you will end up sitting alone whilst DH does his Godfather duties, and if you don't know them that well, and you know - and they know that you know - that you weren't invited … Your DH agreed to be GF: I really think he needs to get on with it and you need to accept it. YANBU to be upset but YA both BU if DH backs out or refuses to attend the meal. It's their event, done their way.

Piffle11 · 18/07/2018 15:51

Sorry Terracotta I cross posted with you! I think you have the right idea. Sorry about your loss xx

SnuggyBuggy · 18/07/2018 15:54

It's pretty tacky behaviour. It's better to work out the number of guests and then the event you can afford. I'd expect to bring a spouse to a Christening.

Winterbella · 18/07/2018 15:54

I still can't understand what the parents thought would happen at the church when no one has been told.

GladAllOver · 18/07/2018 15:55

If you want to attend the baptism/Christening of course you can go. Anyone can go, even if they don't know anyone there.
If there is a party afterwards, that is up to the hosts.
Just go home after the service.

OliviaBenson · 18/07/2018 15:56

I wonder if any of the others involved know this? Seems very odd!

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 18/07/2018 15:57

I agree it’s off not to have the partners of the godparents given what the godparent role is intended to be. But christenings where I live are awful or rather the celebration after is, same with first communions. Kids disco, games, face painting, sweet tables entertainer. Nothing wrong with those things for a party but the fact is very few of the kids baptised get taken to church again so they’ve really no idea what they are celebrating.

Silentnighttwo · 18/07/2018 15:58

Being a God parent is a role that involves the whole family (I.e. guiding the child and being there if anything happens to the parents). I’m guessing that as you arranged the present, you and DH intended that you would support your DH in this role.

I think it is better for you and your DH to rethink the role in these circumstances. How would you feel in years to come if DH is invited to birthday parties, weddings etc without you?

Ginslinger · 18/07/2018 15:59

If you and your DH share a strong Christian faith, and I imagine that's why he has been asked to be Godfather, then I would go to the church. Isn't it an important event for Christians when babies are baptised?

ScarlettScout · 18/07/2018 16:00

Your DH wouldn’t have been a life long godfather based on only him going to one meal? I don’t think he understands the religious point of his role.

taratill · 18/07/2018 16:02

we couldn't afford extravagant christenings for our kids. Just church then back to ours for tea and cakes. No need for a lavish meal.

So I can understand why OP is upset.

However given they have made their choice I do think you have to just move on.

Your husband categorically should not pull out of being godfather that would be pathetic.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 16:03

that's awful, these people are so rude

If they can't afford a posh venue, they should have organised something in a cheaper place. I hate these tacky events where people forget all about manners and being generally nice to show off because they only care about the photos, not the actual event.

You are not BU at all to be upset, and your DH is right to be annoyed, most people would have declined if they knew the partners were not included.

Its too late now, be the bigger person. I don't really understand the relationship with your DH, are they not close friends? If they aren't, it's weird to have asked him in the first place.

pudcat · 18/07/2018 16:03

So it looks as though only immediate family and godparents are invited to the lunch, not siblings' partners or godmother's partner, as the baby's father has said that he would have to explain your presence to them. Wonder if they all know, or will they all find out when they turn up at the church?