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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to Christening

102 replies

TerracottaDream · 18/07/2018 14:36

Had a shit few weeks and the thought of going to Christening where DH was Godfather was really keeping me going.
Total disclosure the parents are not my friends I have met them a few times but DH is in team with the father. My children were happy and made little card for baby and the youngest thought she had a new brother!
So yesterday bumped into the mother and said how I was looking forward to the Christening she went white then red and mumbled something about coming to church. It turns out they are taking grandparents, Godparents and siblings for lunch at posh hotel. They can’t afford to include partners.
DH was a bit shocked and rang his mate to clarify. He was apologetic but blamed finances. DH offered to pay but his mate felt the Godmother and siblings would then have to have things explained to them.
DH said to me after that had he known we weren’t invited he wouldn’t have agreed to be Godparent but feels he needs to follow through now.
I know I hardly know them but am I right to be upset? My DH was really chuffed to be asked and I got emotional when he was asked. I even bought the bloody present and had it engraved!

OP posts:

FASH84 · 18/07/2018 16:05

I understand why you'd be disappointed if you'd looked forward to it, but you don't really know them so shouldn't really have assumed they'd take you for lunch. Go to the church wish them well, take the children to do something while DH goes to the lunch

Hideandgo · 18/07/2018 16:07

I had a VERY similar thing recently except I am close friends with the wife too and they were only doing a buffet at home. I was so so looking forward to an afternoon with adult company and wearing something nice. Had tentatively arranged family to mind the kids so they wouldn’t be in the way. But then just my DH, the Godfather, was invited. So not only did I not get to go and enjoy the day, I was left alone all day again (DH works most weekends) with 4 kids under 5 and had to pick up and drop off my DH to the party I had been looking forward to. At one point I had a little pathetic cry in the shopping centre underground after a horrific 20mins in Sainsbury’s and as 3 of the kids screamed and fought me getting into the car and one had just dirtied their pants. Then went to pick up DH who after a few drinks didn’t really get that the reason I kept texting to say I was 10mins then 5 mins then 1 min away was because I didn’t want to go ring the doorbell and be mortified by walkin in when I hadn’t been invited. But he wasn’t there and the FIL (who I also know well. See I know their whole family) insisted I come in and humiliate myself standing there with blotchy eyes, sick on my clothes and extremely frazzled nerves after all the kids screaming and fighting in the car.

I’m usually very thick skinned but was very hurt about this. Oh well, fuck it. I’m still friends with the wife, I think she has no clue that it was a kick in the teeth for me when I was desperately needing a day off kids. My problem I guess.

Sorry for the pity party. I guess it still stings a bit.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 16:11

that's terrible, but you are a much better person than I am. I’m still friends with the wife, I would not count her as a friend anymore! What kind of friend only invites one half of a couple for a celebration like this. It's not a boy/girls night out.

Theycouldhavechoseneve · 18/07/2018 16:13

I’m sorry that was a crappy experience hide but your post did make me smile

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 16:15

It doesn't matter what's 'usual' - it's their decision to have a family & godparents meal, and that sounds more reasonable to me given that it's a Christening

Well it kind of does matter, if they've not made it clear that it's such an exclusive event, people are just going to assume that it's like the majority of christenings otherwise, would have saved everyone alot of embarrassment

Hideandgo · 18/07/2018 16:17

The Sainsbury’s underground crying as babies all round me screamed and poo went everywhere? It was definitely a low point but I can half laugh at myself for being so dramatic😂

MissCharleyP · 18/07/2018 16:18

I understand why you’re upset and I think it’s a bit strange, the meal will be the parents, their parents and a couple of others who don’t know each other, sounds uncomfortable to me. My DB did this last year (don’t know if it was his idea to be fair); only people invited to my nieces birthday meal out were GPs. I was upset and annoyed, DM said she though it was in case DB couldn’t afford to pay but I’d have happily paid for me and DH, annoyed me that it wasn’t even an option. My parents avoided angst about my christening by having it on Christmas Day!

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 16:19

awww Hideandgo That is really odd though, not inviting partners to a house party basically

happypoobum · 18/07/2018 16:19

I am surprised you are getting a bit of a hard time here OP.

I am in my fifties and have been to umpteen Christenings and never come across anything like this. Of course the parents can have any kind of celebration they choose, but it was really stupid of them not to make the invitation explicit. What does the invitation actually say by the way?

I doubt you will be the only disappointed partner. They have made an odd choice but no point on getting upset about it now.

PirateWeasel · 18/07/2018 16:24

Poor form to not make sure the invitations were clear. Sounds like she was suitably embarrassed when she realised her mistake when you mentioned it to her! I wonder how many other 'other halves' will turn up not realising they're not welcome! Godparents are key to the whole thing, so they and their wives/husbands should be top of the guest list along with parents and grandparents. Especially annoying when you were the one who put all the effort in with the gift. Hope your DH really, really lays that point on thick when he hands it over!!

ExFury · 18/07/2018 16:25

I think the fact the baby’s father said he’d have to explain you being there probably explains the whole decision to go very small - it’s screams that a sibling or parent has a partner that they don’t want there. So, they can get around that by no partners.

A friend of mine recently did exactly that for her wedding to get around the need to invite someone’s partner.

Winterbella · 18/07/2018 16:27

As PP have said, It is a life long commitment and it does involve the godparents partners and family too. They clearly don't understand this

BerkInBag · 18/07/2018 16:27

I think the only way to deal with this is in the time honoured tradition of turning up uninvited and casting a spell on the baby so that on their 16th birthday they fall into a deep sleep only to be woken by the kiss of a handsome prince ... or princess ... or non-binary royal figure ... oh wait ... my tablets ... help ...

eggsandwich · 18/07/2018 16:29

For me the main issue is they never ever told your Dh that his wife wasn’t invited, I mean at what point were they going to say that your wife is not invited unbelievable, and by asking your Dh to be godfather, then him finding out far too late to decline.

I’m sorry but whether it comes down to finances that’s neither here or there, it’s just plain rude not to invite the wife, they can’t be that skint if they’re going for a posh meal, I’d be telling Dh I’m really offended.

diddl · 18/07/2018 16:31

So sorry to hear about your brother-no wonder you can't think straight.

Was an invitation sent out?

Pretty sure we did invitations-although it was just a buffet at parents afterwards.

It was only a small "do" but would stillhave been a stretch to pay for a meal out for everyone-hence why we didn't do it!

speakout · 18/07/2018 16:39

A lucky break.

catherinedevalois · 18/07/2018 16:41

Sounds even worse for the siblings. No sisters- or brothers-in-law invited? Very odd

MrsSnootyPants2018 · 18/07/2018 16:43

You have been invited to the christening, just not the meal. I think you're being a little over dramatic. They've said they can't afford it and if they allow your dh's family then others will want to as well and it gets out of hand.

Just enjoy the ceremony and move on.

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 16:49

Christenings and church weddings are not private, anyone can attend (unless it's a Royal who gets married!). "inviting" someone but not the the reception is beyond rude!

Sittingonaspindryer · 18/07/2018 16:50

It is a life long commitment and it does involve the godparents partners and family too.

Say what now? Life long, yes. Partners and family, no. I have nothing to do with DH's many godchildren, he has nothing to do with mine. As for our family being involved, we didn't have one when most of them arrives, so it really has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Sorry about your brother OP. I think you have now seen that you were BU about the christening. Which is supposed to be more than a splash of water and a knees up so hopefully he is also committed to the long term given that you said he wouldn't have agreed if he had known you weren't on the invitation.

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 16:52

Say what now? Life long, yes. Partners and family, no. I have nothing to do with DH's many godchildren, he has nothing to do with mine.

Traditionally the God parents were chosen as people who would look after the child if anything happened so I'm pretty sure it would involve the godparents partners in that event

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 16:53

*happened to the parents

Winterbella · 18/07/2018 16:54

Sittingonaspindryer, If the ultimate situation ever arose, it would most certainly involve your partner and your family, that's the point. and when your god children have significant birthdays/weddings would your DH or visa versa not be involved in that either when you are?

Katri0na · 18/07/2018 16:54

I have nothing to do with DH's many godchildren, he has nothing to do with mine.

that's weird, many families have joint finance for a start, but of course not everyone. When the godchild comes to spend holidays with you, or even has to live with you, surely you will then be involved? DH decisions to become a godfather very much involved me from the start!

BewareOfDragons · 18/07/2018 16:56

I'm kind of on the other side here.

They want OP's DH as godparent, which presumably means they'll expect future birthday, Christmas and graduation presents and have his presence in the child's life ... but they don't want to include his spouse for the celebration? Probably happy knowing any presents/outings are bought with 'her' money, too, as family money.

I think it's very poor form, tbh. I'd be kind of offended, too.

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