To be fecked off with people who have sympathy for MIL, when she is in the wrong???

[UndomesticGoddess]

This may be a long post!!!

M and FIL came to visit on sunday...
When the visit was arraned we told them that DH and I would be nipping out for an hour. I am on the Cambridge Diet and need regular checks. My time was not changeable as I had asked the week before.
Before they came M and FIL agreed to look after the children for an hour.
They come a fair way to visit, but due to Dd1's ASD she does not travel in cars too well for long distances and a 3 hour journey would be out of the question.

They arrived an hour and a half late This is a regular occurence. That left us 25 mins before DH and I had to leave.

When she walked in she gave the girls a gift of a bag each and then handed them kinder eggs I asked her to remove them so the girls could have them later as a treat. Dd1's behavioural difficulties are aggravated by certain additives and Kinder chocolate is something she does not have and therefore I was holding them back so I could check the packaging.

She then proceeded to shout at me for going out ... as I mentioned an arrangement had already been made that they would care for the children. How dare she shout at me in my own house??? DH was Furious.
I got to my counsellor, and DH would normally stay but he didn't. He came home and I made my way to my friends and camped there till they went home.

He came home to find MIL putting coats on the children to take them for a walk so therefore he hit the roof too. We specifically said stay home.

When I came home from my friends' house, I found Kinder wrappers on the floor, Cadbury creme Egg wrappers on the floor, and to top it off they had been washed down with fruit shoots

DH had to tackle them about it.

I went to see my mother who is in hospital at the moment last night. She is thankfully on the mend, but imagine my when she SYMPATHISED with MIL!!!!!!!!!! and tried to excuse her behaviour!!!! saying she dosen't see them often etc.

AIBU to be annoyed that MIL has NO respect for our wishes as parents?????

yes but my point was you can only really dictate how people care for your children if they are your employees.

If they are doing you a favour then you have to take the rough with the smooth to a certain extent. I am not saying they were right to stuff your kids full of sweets - but they were just being grandparents.

I didn;t expect a 'please do not give them sweets or chocolate when there are healthy alternatives' request to be ignored though.

I have to disagree with you Miss Golightly - if you expressly ask someone not to feed your children sweets then they should not feed your chidlren sweets - regardless of whether they are an employee or not.

Grandparents do not have rights to over ride the decisions of parents.

I don't want to offend you as it is a difficult situation unless you know all the ins-and-outs but do you treat her like an equal? maybe she feels you don't therefore goes against what you ask just to piss you off as her way of 'getting back at you' - don't forget she has had kids too! what does you DH say about his upbringing?

I don't think you are in the wrong to want your MIL to follow your wishes as parents, but I do think your anger is disproportionate. A frank but respectful conversation between you all is whats called for. Good luck.

Hmmmm, not sure about this. Lots of angry faced emoticons flying around!

I think you're being slightly unreasonable (although I take on board your grievances). I always try to remember (when my MIL pisses my off), that I shall be an MIL myself one day!

If they only see them 3 times a year then maybe they're not equipped to look after them - especially as it doesn't sound straightforward with your DD.

Laying that aside, you between you having agreed, she didn't respect your wishes, didn't take note of your instructions. I don't care who she gave birth to, she didn't give birth to your kids, you write the rules (and as DH is with you on it all, she really can't disregard it as "Undomesticgoddess's wierdness" ).

What was FIL up to while all this was going on?

They will never be left with the children again after this weekend.

UG, sounds like a plan

Did they know you wanted to check the kinders?

Se, my IL's love my kids to bits, they really want to make them happy, spoil them etc..

Sounds like your IL's were only trying to 'spoil' your dd's a little & squeeze in as much as they could [hence a walk] on a visit.

I think you're being a teeny bit unreasonable to expect them to sit in your house for an hour and not 'break' any of your 'rules'.

As I said earlier, FFF2, They won;t even hear about dd1's problems and even if they are kept informed they appear not to listen.

Their behaviour could also be seen as generational. Many problems diagnosed (and labelled) today were not discussed or generally acknowledged in their era of parenting.

Both set of my ds's grandparents (for instance), have difficulty 'believing' in allergies. No one had them when I was at school, either. God knows what they've been putting in our food over the last twenty years, but it seems that many modern parents have a lot more to deal with in that respect.

I think if you make a request for the sake of your child it should be heard. If they ignore things it iwl lnot help your child in the long run. They need to be aware of this but unfortuantly they dont seem to be listening or like you said dont want to listen!

Can Dh talk to them?

Sounds simular to my inlaws with the present thing! They asked me what to get dd for xmas, I spoke for 1/2 hr on phone going through Early learning cat and few other options, at end of conversation was asked if I could write that all down (thought she was!!!) did write it on list and put in dd's bag for when she goes there and at xmas, guess what, nothing from list! NOt that Im ungrateful but why bother asking. Had mentioned dd loved books, they got her one then said surprisingly "oh she likes books" Same with DH, she always asks waht to get and has got duplicate before too when I have told ehr what i am getting! Also she requested once that something I had taken along time to get for DH she would give me the money and it would be from her! No way!!!!
I do feel sorry for you and I do think you should try to tell them the reasons why you dnt wnat things done or things given to children and suggest alternitive maybe toys? If falling on deaf ears then when they come with gifts remove what you dont want and put straight away somewhere so they cant find it either!

Your mother in law is clearly an arse, tell her so.

She had no right to shout at you, she had no right to go against your wishes and she has no right to be such a rude bint.

Oliveoil, there is no such thing as a grandparents law, there are just stupid grandparents who can't realise that they're done with raising children and need to heed the wishes of those who actually matter.

Agnes

well agnes, I don't give my children many sweets etc but my mum and dad still insist on bringing it

they love spoiling them so I bite my tongue

ditto my inlaws

everyone is happy

(dd1 has nut allergy and they don't bring stuff with nuts)