to think that 21/22/23 isn't that young?

[smellmybacon]

i see it all the time on here how "young" you are if early 20's. i'm 23 and have a 1 year old and live in a house with my partner. most of my friends have children and some are on to their second baby.

i can't imagine still going on nights out all the time or not being settled down. when do you think you start being a grown up if early 20's is young?!

It's all relative. At 22 I got married, at 25 I had DC1, now DC2 is due just before I turn 29.

I spent between 17&21 living independently, travelling, socialising, doing whatever I wanted. Then I met DH, who is 4 years older than me, and we have had some long discussions about what we want from life and have acted upon that.

However I still feel 'young', despite being a grown up with responsibilities.

I honestly think that age is entirely relative to your situation and life experiences. I don't think there is a set point where you become a fully fledged grown up, it just happens.

OP my best friend is two years younger than me and used to sound just like you when we were in our earlier twenties. By 20 she was married, own home, thinking of having babies. I was 22, just finished university, dating lots of men but not sticking to one, living with friends etc. She used to go on about how she was more mature than me but I always thought that maybe the more mature thing to do would be to wait until she was older and wiser before making big decisions?

Don't make the mistake of equating 'married with kids and own home' with maturity.

I understand what you mean. It's annoying. People lump all people in their early 20's in the same category. I'm 24, been with my dh nearly 10 years, lived together since we were 16, 2dc (2&1). Since I was pregnant with my first I haven't been one single night out, never been without one of them & definitely don't feel 'young' lol. Just normal, wouldn't have life any other way. Other people's opinions don't matter.

In my experience you become a grown up once you breed Though some people fail to grow up even when they've bred and others are old farts from the day they're born

Some people don’t need to breed to grow up though.

@SerenDippitty agreed.

If your parents die or abandon you when you are young then you mature as you don't have a choice. I remember one of my friends' getting upset when I pointed out at 25, after my parents had been dead for a few years, that I had didn't have people I could automatically expect to rely on.

On the other hand having children doesn't necessarily make you mature as an adult. Throughout my life I've met and known some useless parents of both sexes.

Young people I've met who as a group who are definitely mature have been carers.

Well to be frank op, I’m 22 and I definitely wouldn’t want a child at my age. I think most of the people I know (London and Surrey) would agree. What’s the point of getting a degree in your chosen field just to stilt your entire career? There’s no point judging others life choices when yours are absolutely not the perfect option either. In fact I think a lot of people wouldn’t want a baby at 22, most people in their early 20s in 2018 are earning around 21-30k, renting, in the early stages of their career etc - there’s definitely a better time for children. Getting a mortgage etc wasn’t much easier for young adults decades ago so it’s not fair to apply that to today’s generation. It’s almost an archaic thought process, that women just need to rear children and not have a life of their own first.

Having a child doesn’t make you mature, just means you had unprotected sex in your early 20s surely? I can’t imagine your pre baby life was very fulfilling if you wanted to put your entire independent life on hold at 22. Who cares if people still want to go clubbing or on party holidays? They’re just enjoying their life as believe it or not they are still young adults!

Was much easier*

At 23 I had no settling down instinct, I lived purely for the moment, I made some amazing friendships which have endured, played lots of team sport, went out with men that were ridiculously good fun, snogged and shagged loads, drank too much chardonnay, (it was 20 years ago) and a fair number of martinis.

I remember phoning into work to say I couldn't go into work because I'd got nothing to wear! (true, I had stayed over with a 6'4" bloke and he decided to pop on a load of washing on Sunday night and I literally had nothing). I also remember lots of boozy work lunches in fabulous restaurants, often in the afternoon I was so pissed I could barely see my screen and had to close one eye because I was seeing double. In the evenings drinking beer and eating raspberries in Hyde Park or along the river. Sharing flats with other girls and all swopping clothes, it was just such fun. I wouldn't change it for the world, I couldn't have looked after a child, I still was one myself.

I left a children’s home and 16 and was living completely independently from then on. 16 was definitely way too young, but it was down to the local authorities desire to save money than it being deemed a suitable age for independence.

I’m 27 now and it’s taken all that time to teach myself to be a responsible adult it hasn’t been fun generally I think it depends on the situation, and the people involved, there is no magic age.

Gosh at your age I was still at uni and felt very young.
I am late 40s and a mother and still feel like I’m faking adulthood. But so do most people I know..

i don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a baby in your 20's. it doesn't mean my pre baby life wasn't "fulfilling" @NameChangeUni

i chose to have a baby because i needed treatment that could of left me infertile. i would rather have a baby in my 20's than not at all

It’s entirely subjective. I’ve met and taught people in their early twenties that are far from grown up, then you will find some people who are more mature than some people in their thirties. Completely depends on the individual.

I know what you mean. I'm 31 but in recent years I've noticed that younger people are being infantilised in a way which probably hadn't gone on before.
A woman on big brother was yelling about 'only being a 26 year old girl!'. Which is pushing it a bit. I think it might be down to people acting dickish on reality tv and being excused for only being young and people living with parents for longer and having things done for them.

well im 22 and most friends /acquaintances. people i know my age dont have children.

If lot of people in their early 20s behave more like children now than in previous years it’s probably because more people are going to university and because house prices are so high.

If you don’t go to university and you live in a part of the country where you can buy a cheap house on a low wage then yes, you could conceivably be doing all that by the time you’re 22. So you would be living in much the same way as most people in previous generations.

It’s become very common for university graduates to do unpaid internships and/or to live with their parents while they save for a deposit if they are able to do so.

It is infantilising in a way because they’re not out there living an “adult life” until they’re in their 30s in some cases. But I don’t think it’s fair to label those people as childish. They’ve taken a sensible decision to try and build some financial security before they have children, often at great cost to their happiness and personal lives. They’re certainly not less mature than people their own age who own property because they were given a deposit and are married because their parents paid for their wedding. And they’re not more mature than a 25 year old mum of four who doesn’t really feel the economic consequences of having another baby because she’s entitled to benefits and a council house.

I started making "oof" noises when I was 22 and pregnant with DS1. It's his fault. 😂

DS1 is immature because he still needs DM, who he lives with, to tell him to go for a walk for physio, do his night feed, eat etc. It's because she babies him too much. I'd just leave him to it, it's his health.

At 23 I felt like it wasn't young. Now at 30 I realise that 23 is a baby! And I feel young still now too actually.

Personally I didn't know anybody at that age who already had a baby, weddings and babies started in my friendship groups around 28+. I suppose my friends maybe aren't as diverse as they could be as they're generally all middle class, university educated etc so not would be more unusual to have a baby young.

There's pros and cons to having DC youngish (pre 18 is definitely worth avoiding if possible I think) or older. Neither is 'bad' per se.

In my close friendship group there's a wide range on this issue. The ones who were younger mothers, were of course still relatively young once their DC were going off to uni, leaving home & did/do some things that those who had DC older did pre DC.

As a result some of these friends (we're all within 5 years age of each other) already have grandchildren, and some are still in the early toddler/infant school stage with their own DC.

Some DC were planned, some weren't - but the age of the mother at the time still varies greatly. There's been a few late surprises, and some struggled to become mothers by personal circumstance or due to medical issues.

Similar to the op I chose to be one of the younger ones, due not just to where I was personally, but because medical issues meant I felt leaving it later was too big a risk - turns out I was right as even though I was undiagnosed at the time I started ttc I do have a condition that makes conception and maintaining a pregnancy difficult. I've had 2 mc losing 3 babies, have had to have several surgeries and treatments, dds pregnancy was high risk and carefully monitored and even then we both still almost died during the birth. Due to 2 other conditions that are extremely rare, only become apparent during/immediately after birth and could not possibly have been predicted. Sadly one of these also meant I had to make the decision not to risk another pregnancy leaving dd motherless.

Women have first DC at different ages for all sorts of reasons.

That's a good point, Graphista.

If someone had told me at 21 that my best chance of having a baby was to do it as soon as possible, I would have done it.

I'm glad I wasn't in that position, not least because I needed to have a few relationships with different people before I found one that worked and understood why it worked. At 21 I didn't have enough experience to pick a good life partner. At 25 I did.

Yea well I poorly chose in regard to dds father, for her sake I wish she had a better dad. But she herself says if it had been a different dad she'd actually not be here, it'd be a different child. Sliding doors/time travel moment there.

I have one friend who again due to medical reasons was told to look at becoming a mum sooner rather than later. She opted for sperm donation. Had her child and then later met her lovely husband, sadly they can't have a DC of their own. But they all seem happy enough.

Peoples circumstances vary greatly, which is why it's best to try and avoid being too harsh in judgment.

Dd had a situation where a girl at school was a pain to her. They didn't get along, bordering on bullying. Not a fan of her myself especially of course. She fell pregnant at 14 (just! Which is really young even for where I live), dd was initially both shocked, but also assumed the girls boyfriend was the father, lot of gossiping going on locally. It got so I pulled dd up on it and said to just hold fire on the judgment we don't know the full story. Turns out the girls stepfather was the culprit and she'd been having a pretty hellish time. He's now (rightly) in prison, and the girl and her child seem to be doing well with support from grandmother. That experience at a fairly young age taught dd not to jump to conclusions.

When I was 23 I had qualified in my profession , opted out of my intended career path , self funded and set up a reasonable sized business of my own with all the necessary dealings with various authorities that it involved , I was an employer of numerous people 2 x and 3 x my own age , I had traveled the world , so I had maturity in many respects yet still felt very young and naive.
I think this can only be the case with anyone early to mid 20s because however much you have already experienced and achieved you are still young and can only have packed 23 or so years worth of experience in so far
Enjoy life and don't worry about being 'grown up'

I think how you feel can depend on when you finished in full time education. If you started work after doing GCSEs, then by 21/22/23 you may feel ready for being settled down more than someone who has been to uni until they were in their early 20s and just about to start their career. They would likely want to establish a career and 'be free' for a few years before settling down.

I would certainly encourage my children to go as far as possible in education and have some time to just be able to be 'selfish' before settling down and having children.

I got married 9 days after my 22nd birthday, and had my first child 5 months later.
I don't regret my decision at all.