Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think that 21/22/23 isn't that young?

179 replies

smellmybacon · 17/07/2018 21:39

i see it all the time on here how "young" you are if early 20's. i'm 23 and have a 1 year old and live in a house with my partner. most of my friends have children and some are on to their second baby.

i can't imagine still going on nights out all the time or not being settled down. when do you think you start being a grown up if early 20's is young?!

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 17/07/2018 23:31

You are Young, OP. Embrace it, love it, roll in it. Shout it from the rooftops.
Lucky you.
You only know what you've got when it's gone.

Lenny1980 · 17/07/2018 23:36

How am I being judgemental? I am pointing out that the tone of your post (which is in AIBU, by the way) suggests that you can’t see how anyone of your age can be enjoying nights out, or to not be settled down, like having nights out at your age is a bad thing.

smellmybacon · 17/07/2018 23:43

@Lenny1980 no i said that i can't imagine going on nights out all the time. i never said anything like how can anyone enjoy it in their 20's Confused stop looking for something to argue with.

we don’t just settle for whoever comes along at the grand old age of 20.

so anyone who meets their partner early is settling for them. that's how you're being judgemental

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 17/07/2018 23:45

I had my first child at 20 and my fourth at 29. Looking back I can see that 20 was young to have a baby but I still had nights out every 2 weeks.
I grew out of drinking in clubs when I was about 25/ 26. I think most people past early 20s aren't out clubbing every weekend.

EvenThoughYouDidCHEAT · 17/07/2018 23:48

If adulthood starts at 18 and ends when you die hopefully around 80, then 21-23 is VERY young for an adult. Nothing you do or don't do will change that.

It's one of life's absurdities that the young always want to be older and the old always want to be younger.

Lenny1980 · 17/07/2018 23:49

You said “I can’t imagine still going on nights out all the time or not being settled down”.

Maybe you are just incredibly bad at expressing yourself, but your whole this is what me and all my mates have done, I can’t imagine doing anything else is condescending.

Ollivander84 · 17/07/2018 23:51

I'm 34 and still look round for an adult BlushGrin

smellmybacon · 17/07/2018 23:53

@Lenny1980 lots of people have said they can't imagine having a baby at 23 and it's not condescending. please don't get offended by everything Smile

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/07/2018 23:58

There's nothing wrong with being young. It isn't linked to maturity one way or the other. Just as having kids a house isn't, or tensing the world and going to uni isn't.

Early 20's is young.
40's is middle aged
60's is being old
80's is definitely old
100's is an achievement

llangennith · 18/07/2018 00:04

Had my first DC at 18 (far too young) and two more by the time I was 24. I felt young and I was young. Too young. Once the eldest was 10 I felt I was getting my life back. 66 now and still feel young but boy do I know a lot more!

Armchairanarchist · 18/07/2018 01:21

Looking back I feel it was very young when I became a parent at 23, despite being married and owning a home. DS is now the age I was when he was born and can't imagine him choosing parenthood anytime soon, even though he's been with his GF for over five years. He says he's far too young and is very career minded. None of his group of friend's parents are still together but it worked for us.

Graphista · 18/07/2018 02:05

It IS very young, but because you're that age yourself you can't see it yet.

The brain isn't fully mature until around 25.

It's only 3/4/5 years after finishing school.

Most people don't graduate uni until 21 at least.

That's 5 years or less of experience:

Independent of your parents or other parental authority safeguarding you.

As an independent tenant.

As an employee.

As someone's live in partner.

Of legal responsibility for all your decisions.

As an adult patient.

Having the physical capability to have a child doesn't indicate adulthood (children of 12/13 and even younger can conceive and give birth). Even the legal ability doesn't make it so - the age of consent is generally the very minimum a govt can get away with setting within their culture without losing votes (or worse handing votes to the opposition).

Current average life expectancy is 81 years. That's approximately 4 TIMES your current age.

I married at 23, I though I was mature enough, I thought I was "a grown up" I was not. I actually at the time thought I was leaving it too late! Because the people I was surrounding myself with at that time were also marrying and having children at this age. It wasn't until after I split from my ex and started associating with people from different backgrounds that I started to take on a different perspective. I was 31 at this point. I "did" my 20's in my 30's. Aside from my dd, yes I very much regret not listening, tying myself down FAR too young relationship wise.

But I couldn't see it at the time. You're viewing your age now from a very limited frame of reference. That changes a lot as you age.

I too think that you don't really start growing up until at least your 30's (although in the case of my ex it may be never).

You can make the same decisions and take on the same responsibilities in your 20's (partner, home, child), but it's impossible to do so with the same knowledge or confidence that you're doing what's right for you, as is possible when you're older.

That's not to say older people don't make mistakes, but I personally believe they're aware of doing so or at least of the risk they're taking (certain illnesses/disability notwithstanding).

Medically I'm glad I had dd in my 20's, emotionally I think early 30's would've been better for me and and I personally feel is a better age for most people.

Yes maturity and chronological age are different things, but one rather depends to quite some degree on life experience, which can only be acquired by living, which ageing is a natural consequence of.

Something I've noticed is a pretty good indicator is how someone behaves in an emergency. Do you crack on and deal with it yourself, call the necessary people yourself to deal with it? Or do you call your parents or older siblings in expectation that THEY will handle it for you (I'm not meaning calling them to let them know or for emotional support during/after). Sadly some people hit this point far sooner than others not due to maturity but to circumstance - ie the lack of a parental figure being available.

This does seem to happen around 30 - in my experience.

And yes, cultural comparatives make a difference too, my mother married and had me at 22, but she'd left school at 14, been working full time since then. She was still living at home until AFTER she married (my dad moved in with my mothers parents as they couldn't afford their own place) all of which was the norm for their generation, class and background... My grandparents had done almost the exact same when they first married.

It's definitely NOT old though.

I'm 46 so twice your age. To me you're only a few years (6) older than my dd. She works full time, still lives at home, likes to think she's a grown up, but still very much defers not only to me but also others older than her, she'd defer to you, she hasn't the confidence of maturity yet.

The not wanting to go clubbing - that's not necessarily a maturity thing, I've several friends that never did that, or did it for a few years & realised it wasn't really their thing. I've also quite a few friends and relatives who enjoy clubbing in 40's/50's/60's. I've only stopped because I can't stand for long so lack of seating can be problematic. I'm agoraphobic among other nonsense, but when I'm in an out & about phase (and when I can afford it) I still enjoy going to pubs, live music shows, comedy shows...

I also live in a deprived area where the average age for first child is much lower than the national average. It's where my parents are from so that too informed their perspective. I'm trying to convince my dd that she does not need to have her first at 25, which at the moment she & her friends are discussing, they think that's positively ancient! Given they've mums, aunts and older sisters who had their first (or them) at 15-20 it does seem a big difference to them.

It is much easier to travel, take risks with career, hobbies, relationships, certain experiences before you have DC. I realise that now doesn't apply to you op but for any others similar age reading not yet got DC I'd highly recommend travelling, trying as many jobs, hobbies & experiences as possible before having DC. Mainly because after DC you tend to become more risk averse, but also because you have the responsibility of ensuring a roof over their head and keeping fit & healthy to look after them/be there for them, plus they're expensive buggers!

Travel particularly broadens the mind, I'm not especially well travelled but I'm guessing I'm more well travelled than yourself.

I was given good advice once - don't wish your life away, don't be in a hurry to get to "old" - it'll come sooner than you want anyway.

It is said "youth is wasted on the young" sometimes that's true. Sometimes not.

Bouncingbelle · 18/07/2018 02:12

Exactly what graphista said in her excellent post!

Monty27 · 18/07/2018 02:14

OP you are young! You have achieved so much which is wonderful. You have achieved much more than some people do in a lifetime. Don't take offence.
You should be downright proud of that. Enjoy being young.
lucky bugger Smile

altiara · 18/07/2018 02:19

Imagine you’re 80 - now everyone under 40 is young Smile

LoveInTokyo · 18/07/2018 02:25

But early 20s is young.

Having a baby or a husband or a mortgage might be unusual things for a young person to do (or not, depending on your social circle), but it doesn’t make you “not young”.

All you need to do to make a baby is to be ovulating and to have unprotected sex. To get married you just need two people over 18 who both consent. Getting a mortgage is far more about your financial situation than it is about your maturity.

Is a 20 year old who buys a house for £40,000 after working for two years in Tesco in Merthyr Tydfil automatically more mature than a 35 year old in London who is earning £30,000 a year but still renting? What about a 25 year old in London who has managed to buy a flat because their parents gave them a £250,000 “deposit”?

Is a 23 year old mother of two who gets into stupid slanging matches with her ex on Facebook automatically more grown up than a 37 year old who has chosen not to have children, or who hasn’t been able to?

Is someone who marries her boyfriend at 20 with stars in her eyes and then gets divorced two years later more of an adult than a 40 year old woman who has not met the right man, or who enjoys being single, or who walked away from a man who didn’t want to marry her?

To me, being married or having kids or getting a mortgage at 22 doesn’t mean you’re more grown up than other people your age who aren’t doing those things. If I’m being polite I’d say it means you have different priorities. If I’m being truthful I’d say it means you have smaller horizons. You’re giving up opportunities to go travelling, live in a house share with people your age and enjoy the city where you live, do further study or pursue certain career opportunities for the sake of doing things that you could just as easily do in five or ten years’ time, or even later.

LookAtThatCritter · 18/07/2018 02:30

I’m 23 and still live with my parents - it’s not out of choice, it’s until they are able to move out! I feel like I’m at a weird age - i’d like to go for nights out and have roommates and make the most of my young age but I can’t do that. I’d like to be dating and not having to tell my parents that I won’t be home that night Hmm and by the time I can do these things i’ll be 25/26 and then I (and all my friends) will be too old Sad

LinoleumBlownapart · 18/07/2018 02:41

I think when you start becoming a grown up will depend on your life experiences. For most the process starts at around 17 and continue to progress from there, some are faster than others and some people have to do it much earlier.

None of that has anything to do with 20 being young. It is, enjoy it. I know young people who are more mature than some old people, young doesn't mean anything than just "young" and it is not an insult or a put down.

MouseholeCat · 18/07/2018 03:20

I'm in my late 20s and I'm a very different person from 21-23. Something really changed when I was 25/26 (presumably brain maturing?) and all of a sudden my perspective on life, thoughts/feelings about myself had changed. I imagine in another 5 years or so I'll say the same again.

I became much more confident and recognised my own role in controlling my mental and physical health. Anxiety and self-doubt no longer hold me back. I've a clearer sense of who I am (not who I should be). I wake up early (like 5am early!), exercise regularly, keep a tidy and clean house and none of that feels like a chore. I'd never have imagined any of that 5-7 years ago.

Your experience sounds very different to mine (no kids yet, no friends with kids- all did Uni then postgrads), so I'm sure it'll play out in a different way.

Pengggwn · 18/07/2018 07:16

It's hardly labelling. You're just younger than average for the things you have chosen to do. We will all be either old or dead, so who cares how long we are 'labelled' as young? It passes.

ScreamingValenta · 18/07/2018 07:18

It's all relative. I see people in their twenties as young because I'm in my mid-forties. When I was 18 I'd have seen them as old Smile.

Lexilooo · 18/07/2018 07:23

You stop being young the day that being young stops being an insult and starts being a compliment.

The first time you are flattered by being asked for ID rather than offended

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 18/07/2018 07:25

I think people who go to university etc do start things like getting married and having children later. They do more before settling down. My 'home Facebook friends' are settling down and my 'uni Facebook friends' are all travelling, getting promotions and doing postgrad degrees

This ^^

I wouldn't want mine to have chidren and a mortgage at 21/22. They should be seeking new experiences, finding their feet and position in life and having fun. That doesn't have to equate to clubbing.

I'd feel sad if they opted to settle for a partner they met as barely as adult and had children so young. There's just no ambition, no drive etc in that. They should be aiming for the sky.

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2018 07:25

My dd is 22 and has just finished university. She is much younger in some ways than her friends who went from school into jobs. Some of them have houses and children and much more traditionally settled "adult" lives than she does. Her cousin is the same age and is doing very well in a career she started 4 years ago. It's all relative.

hula008 · 18/07/2018 07:32

I'm 25 and very much enjoy both going to IKEA and nights out.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread