AIBU or is my sister in law a racist?

[DJLippy]

My brother has been seeing someone for about two years.

About a year ago we were chatting about Justin Bieber and I said I thought it was disgraceful how everybody had forgotten about the racist song he sung and all the 'n word' jokes. She then said she didn't think there was anything wrong with the 'n-word' because 'they use that word all the time why can't we.' I didn't say anything at the time because I was just getting to know her and I thought I might be paranoid. She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did, but she said it in a very disdainful way - like lesbian to rhyme with tramp.

Yesterday we met up and she kept bringing up the riots in France, which kicked off after the World Cup win. These were racially tinged riots occurring as they did in the predominately immigrant ghettos. She never really talks about the news or current affairs with me and I thought it was odd she kept bringing it up. Later in traffic some guy let her in front and she said 'he just gave me a gangsta nod.' When I looked I noticed the guy was black. Again, I thought - am I just being paranoid?

Today we passed a black cyclist and she said he looked like a drug dealer. I made a snarky comment like 'Yeah I know, black in charge of a bicycle.'

None of these things individually made much difference but together do they could signal implicit bias, xenophpbia or outright racism. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I don't think she is full on racist. She grew up in Dubai and her sister married an Arab. She's not made any comments about other races - just black people.

AIBU, overly critical or is this dog whistle racism?

I don't know how to challenge such attitudes in the future. Today I did a snarky joke - which she didn't signal she heard. Outright confrontation? If someone is an out and out racist it's likely to be pointless. Maybe she is unaware of her sub-conscious bias against black people? She is helping to raise my nieces and I know that all our family - as well as their mum are very anti-racism. I do worry the subtle effect it could have on them? How young is too young to show them my Root's box set?

That Roots part tacked on the end is odd

She sounds like a bigoted nob, yes.

How the fuck does one rhyme lesbian with tramp?!

YANBU Some of those comments sit on the 'milder' end of the racism spectrum, but that doesn't mean they're not racist. I firmly believe there is a whole zone of subtle ignorance that does translate into racist experiences on the receiving end, but many people can be blind to it if they sit in a position of privilege, especially if they don't overtly identify as racist. E.g. she genuinely might be blinded by her privilege to the extent that she doesn't realise how black people's use of the n word sits in a completely different ballpark. (And if so, it's on us as white people to try and challenge from a shared position of privilege where we can.) I think the only way you'll find out how open she is to having that conversation is by gently opening it next time she says something like this ("when you said xyz did you realise that could easily feel like abc to a black person? If not, this is why etc"). It's tricky, because people often get defensive, and some are lost causes. Let's hope she's not! Either way, focusing on specific behaviours may be helpful, as it gives more room for her to own the failure, if she does see herself as a non racist, accepting person, for example.

Re: the nieces, maybe just try to be a counterpart in behaviour to model? Find opportunities to celebrate diversity with them when you can? Especially if you're a cool aunt, don't underestimate the weight that could carry. :)

Re - Roots - 1970's TV show about slavery in the usa
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roots_(1977_miniseries)

Birthday present's for next ten years

Lilo & Stitch DVD
Princess & the Frog DVD
Mulan DVD
Black doll (actually that's not a bad idea - which actually I did recommend to my brother and his Mrs and they thought it was a good idea but a bit 'right-on Aunty)

Dubai is an ethnically diverse place, but there's not an equality between those ethnicities.

I don't consider myself racist. I wouldn't say a single one of those things she's said, not even in jest.

So she's either racist, or she is uneducated about race and ethnicity. That might be the same thing, might not. Whatever the reason underpinning what she says, is perhaps not entirely relevant: she says racist things. People who are not racist don't.

like lesbian to rhyme with tramp

Eh? Did she call her a lesbiamp? Because I'm stumped.

You are the one noting the race(that you could be way off the mark about anyway). I get her point on the beiber thing and you agree with her on the Miley thing. This really feels like it's all on you

Re Lesbian/tramp - badly worded metaphor. She said it in such a way it was like 'eeeww'

The things she has said are racist and homophobic but at the lower end of the spectrum. It is a repeated source of frustration that my sister says similar things but yet she has very close friends who are gay or BME. I've tried to explain to her why what she says is so offensive and asked her what she think her friends were say if they heard her taking like that but she just thinks they would laugh. On her part she thinks I'm a humourless lefty hand wringer making a fuss about nothing.
Pull her up on it and see what she says. Not sure about the original Roots but the remake is very graphic and not suitable for under 15s imo.
Also not sure showing a video about slavery to emphasise we all should be treated equally is the best way forward either to be honest. Better to highlight the many contemporary BME role models instead.

My sister is also adamant I should not be growing out my grey or keeping my nails short because I look like a lesbian. She is a bit daft.

^Roots, again badly worded joke. Though I did watch it with my mixed race mate when I was ten and it introduced me to slavery and racsim

So if all your family is very anti-racism, what does your brother say about her comments? If they've been together 2yrs I'd think he would have noticed?

She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did, but she said it in a very disdainful way - like lesbian to rhyme with tramp.
So you think her comment about MC 'looking like such a lesbian' is homophobic but then you go straight on to say 'which TBF she did' - sorry but that would make you equally homophobic!!

I was just pondering the same thing Monkey. Because she hasn't said anything overt - it is so many small things - I haven't raised it with my brother. I'm worried because it might seem I am being petty? Also, how do you raise the 'do you think your GF is a racist' conversation?

Yuk. We're (I'm black) not perfect but gheez I hated that Justin Bieber thing, I don't even use the N word so why should he. We're not all gangstas ffs and I swear I'm not raising my son to accept any of that crap from your sister in law or anyone.

So tired of this shit and the shittier comments pacifying it. OP at least you see that it's not good. I've always tried to act when I see racism of any kind, even if it's my own family I have to challenge. If they don't change their opinions, whatever, just engage me with your foolishness.

... And I stuggled to complete the old version of Roots. The newer one is digestible

Noting somebody looks like a lesbian is not the same thing as using lesbian as an adjective for gross. I was trying to say it was about her tone - not objective reality.

Just don't engage*

What does a lesbian look like?

What does a lesbian look like?

Miley Cyrus

I was just here to ask what a lesbian looked like too

Oh dear. I would feel very uncomfortable in her presence.

Yesterday we met up and she kept bringing up the riots in France, which kicked off after the World Cup win. These were racially tinged riots occurring as they did in the predominately immigrant ghettos.

I live in Paris. I wasn't there at the weekend, but from what I've read the vandalism after the cup final kicked off on the Champs Elysées, which is definitely not a "predominantly immigrant ghetto".

I live in one of the neighbourhoods which some people might describe as a "predominantly immigrant ghetto" and it's fine. People are for the most part perfectly pleasant.

I wish people would stop saying things like this about places they don't know and people they don't understand.

Re the OP, yes it sounds like your SIL is quite racist.

Ffs looks like a drug dealer becuase he’s black. Gangsta.

Personally I’d give up on the jokes, she isn’t getting them, give her a Paddington Bear stare every single time and say, in a shocked voice, “you can’t say that, that’s so racist.”

Don’t get into an argument with her, (for example they say it so why don’t we) just stick to facts. It’s not appropriate is another good expression.

I would also say that Dubai is irrelevant.

I don't look like miley cyrus