AIBU or is my sister in law a racist?

[DJLippy]

My brother has been seeing someone for about two years.

About a year ago we were chatting about Justin Bieber and I said I thought it was disgraceful how everybody had forgotten about the racist song he sung and all the 'n word' jokes. She then said she didn't think there was anything wrong with the 'n-word' because 'they use that word all the time why can't we.' I didn't say anything at the time because I was just getting to know her and I thought I might be paranoid. She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did, but she said it in a very disdainful way - like lesbian to rhyme with tramp.

Yesterday we met up and she kept bringing up the riots in France, which kicked off after the World Cup win. These were racially tinged riots occurring as they did in the predominately immigrant ghettos. She never really talks about the news or current affairs with me and I thought it was odd she kept bringing it up. Later in traffic some guy let her in front and she said 'he just gave me a gangsta nod.' When I looked I noticed the guy was black. Again, I thought - am I just being paranoid?

Today we passed a black cyclist and she said he looked like a drug dealer. I made a snarky comment like 'Yeah I know, black in charge of a bicycle.'

None of these things individually made much difference but together do they could signal implicit bias, xenophpbia or outright racism. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I don't think she is full on racist. She grew up in Dubai and her sister married an Arab. She's not made any comments about other races - just black people.

AIBU, overly critical or is this dog whistle racism?

I don't know how to challenge such attitudes in the future. Today I did a snarky joke - which she didn't signal she heard. Outright confrontation? If someone is an out and out racist it's likely to be pointless. Maybe she is unaware of her sub-conscious bias against black people? She is helping to raise my nieces and I know that all our family - as well as their mum are very anti-racism. I do worry the subtle effect it could have on them? How young is too young to show them my Root's box set?

Thanks for all the advice guys
@wordsmithereens Great advice. She's not a lost cause - she's just young and from a sheltered (likely predhudiced) place. I think subtle challenges and socratic questions - why do you think that? Best way - listening and not assuming you know someones views. Softly softly catchy monkey.
@gamerwidow Yeah I understand that situation. People don't relate dogdy their beliefs to their personal lives, like - I didn't mean Rakhim - he's sound! I'm well into the educational aunt vibe so sure to stear them towards that path - I have the power of bitthday/christmas presents as well.
@AnnabelC I think it's best to be direct - but it can be so hard! We try to soften the blow but then don't speak directly. It's tense.

I'm just shocked that you want your SIL to reflect on her own bigoted views when you refuse to do so yourself. Just accept what posters are telling you. Saying someone 'looks like a lesbian' is homophobic. I've spent my whole life with people telling me 'but you don't LOOK like a lesbian' and belittling my sexuality to a phase because I am in most ways gender conforming. Just because I'm your personal experience lesbians are GNC does not mean that is the norm. Accept that your limited experience is affecting your views in the same way that your SILs are.
Your comment obviously wasn't meant to cause offence. There's a different between being deliberately racist or homophobic and being ignorant. But that doesn't mean you should become defensive when someone points out that a comment you made was offensive. Just accept you were wrong, reflect on your views and move on, hopefully more aware.
For your SIL, of you don't want to cause a family rift then you'll probably just have to leave it. As you saw from your own example, people don't like it when you call them racist or homophobic when they don't feel they are. She will probably defend what she said and be quite upset with you. It's up to your brother to protect his nieces from her views.

With all due respect you have taken one comment and then used it to paint a picture of me as an ignorant homophobe. Lots more people came on to straight-splain homophobia to me as if I had never met a gay person in my life. I've been called a lesbian since I can remember. It's all about intent. My mates constantly make remarks like 'you're dressing like a lesbian today.' I don't get offended because I know they're not homophobes or making snarky remarks about my sexuality.

So you still can’t see that both you and your SIL are making huge judgements about people based on what they look like? But she’s a bigot and you aren’t.

Jodie Foster and Lea DeLaria dress entirely differently, could you gay-splain the lesbian dress code for me please?

Just because YOU don't find it offensive doesn't mean it isn't offensive and homophobic.
Your SIL doesn't think it's offensive to say a black man on a bike looks like a drug dealer. Does that mean it isn't offensive and racist? Of course it is.

Christ on a bike, you're still yammering on about how saying someone looks like a lesbian ISN'T homophobic?? Oh dear.

Saying someone looks like a lesbian is just like asking a lesbian couple who's the female and who's the male, goddamn bloody offensive!

The way I see it is that OP is saying there’s a certain subset of lesbians that dress/wear their hair in a particular way, as part of a group identity. And that if someone dresses in this fashion then they ‘look like a lesbian’.

She doesn’t say that all lesbians look that way, only that that particular style identifies someone as possibly being part of that group.

I’m not sure how that can be homophonic? There’s no value judgement attached.

It's called gay-dar people. Very important in me finding potential partners.

It is not offensive to say someone looks like a lesbian - unless you use a nasty tone (as Sil did.) Homophobic would be me saying
"She was dressed like a tramp, she looked like a lesbian!"
In the same way there is nothing wrong with mentioning someones race - it's when we say - 'he's a drug dealer' because he's black.

I give up. Can't argue with ignorance. Good luck with your SIL

Stop talking about anything that matters with her.

It sounds exhausting. Try topics like soaps and love island instead.

It's called gaydar -what a load a pish!

I hope your SIL accepts that she has been discriminatory with more grace than you have.

But I don't look like a lesbian ergo am I not a lesbian?