AIBU or is my sister in law a racist?

[DJLippy]

My brother has been seeing someone for about two years.

About a year ago we were chatting about Justin Bieber and I said I thought it was disgraceful how everybody had forgotten about the racist song he sung and all the 'n word' jokes. She then said she didn't think there was anything wrong with the 'n-word' because 'they use that word all the time why can't we.' I didn't say anything at the time because I was just getting to know her and I thought I might be paranoid. She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did, but she said it in a very disdainful way - like lesbian to rhyme with tramp.

Yesterday we met up and she kept bringing up the riots in France, which kicked off after the World Cup win. These were racially tinged riots occurring as they did in the predominately immigrant ghettos. She never really talks about the news or current affairs with me and I thought it was odd she kept bringing it up. Later in traffic some guy let her in front and she said 'he just gave me a gangsta nod.' When I looked I noticed the guy was black. Again, I thought - am I just being paranoid?

Today we passed a black cyclist and she said he looked like a drug dealer. I made a snarky comment like 'Yeah I know, black in charge of a bicycle.'

None of these things individually made much difference but together do they could signal implicit bias, xenophpbia or outright racism. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I don't think she is full on racist. She grew up in Dubai and her sister married an Arab. She's not made any comments about other races - just black people.

AIBU, overly critical or is this dog whistle racism?

I don't know how to challenge such attitudes in the future. Today I did a snarky joke - which she didn't signal she heard. Outright confrontation? If someone is an out and out racist it's likely to be pointless. Maybe she is unaware of her sub-conscious bias against black people? She is helping to raise my nieces and I know that all our family - as well as their mum are very anti-racism. I do worry the subtle effect it could have on them? How young is too young to show them my Root's box set?

If your SIL pointed at a white person and said "he's dressed like a black guy" would that be racist?

You just did the same thing.

You sound as bad as her...plus it must be so draining looking out for all this stuff all the time.

Is there something wrong with looking like a lesbian?

I still don’t understand this. Lesbians just look like women, that’s the only qualifier.

I don’t look overtly bisexual

I don’t imagine that you would - What do bisexuals look like and how do you suggest they look any different to straight or gay women?

I really don’t understand what you are saying, LOTS of people present in a GNC way and it has nothing at all to do with their sexuality.

Saying she isn’t racist because her BIL is Arabic is the same as the cliche classic “I’m not racist becsuse..”

Or saying, I’m not homophobic because I’m bisexual but don’t look it

I've recently been reading lesbian feminist blogs and some of them would definitely say you can tell a true lesbian by how she dresses. If you're not butch, and butch in the right way, you're not doing it right.

Oh and bisexuals just get classed with straight women. 'Het' traitors promoting the patriarchy or something.

She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did,

So I am a homophobe because I think that Miley Cyrus 'looks' like a lesbian? I am sorry I do not understand your logic. Aren't you being homophobic because you imply there was something negative in the assumption - that I meant that in a pejorative manner? What's wrong with looking like a lesbian? Using visual ques is bigoted now? I think people are looking for offence.

Yes let's not derail this thread. OP you're looking for suggestions on a way forward with this. I've had a similar situation with my father in law, who has in the past couple of year ( mainly post brexit) started to feel more and more comfortable with saying anti immigrant/Racist comments. Mainly in reference to Arabs and Eastern European people. I've dealt with it by challenging his rhetoric and making it clear that I don't agree with or accept that kind of talk around me. Unfortunately when someone gets to adulthood they often have firm views which are difficult to alter. All you can do is make it clear that you don't agree and offer a counter-argument/view.
Also let your brother know how it makes you feel to hear that sort of racist talk. I did this with my husband and now he challenges his dad if he hears him say anything racist too.

@isitfridayyet1 thanks for that advice, much appreciated.

OP, honestly, your remark was homophobic. I'm a straight woman, with a boyfriend and child (straight credentials obviously present there). I also work in a male-dominated profession and half my head is shaved. I am routinely assumed to be a lesbian. By misogynists and homophobes. Can you see the point that's being made by pp?

Using visual ques is bigoted now

Bear in mind that’s what your SIL may believe she is just doing.

Visual ques like thinking because you are black you must deal drugs and be a gangster? That's putting negative assumptions onto somebody based on their race. It's not the same thing. Unless people think that lesbian is a slur.

Yes she's racist but maybe her bigotry stems from ignorance, like yours rather than malice. I'd approach it either like posters have done here with you, or a simple 'don't say that/that's not acceptable. That's racist.' as PP suggested.

I must be getting old, but why does Miley "look like a lesbian" in that photo? Is it her hair, her clothes or what. She looks like any other young person to me.

What should I do? Can I do anything? Bear in mind I am looking for soft power tactics. I can't confront her and then ignore her because she is a member of the family.

You don't have to confront her,
next time she says anything racist just tell her you don't agree!

DJLippy

Why the fuck not
It’s exactly what we do when my mil was rasicts agasint me and my children we don’t tolerate that shit here

“Most lesbians I know present in GNC ways. IMO pretending you don't see sexuality is like saying 'I don't see race.'

That is pretty daft, to be honest. Of course you can’t see sexuality.

But your sil is a racist.

She sounds quite clearly racist and homophobic too. She’s racially stereotyping in a negative way. She’s also seems to be negative about lesbians.
WTF does a lesbian look like? Like everyone else that’s what, she’s look at me and most likely NEVER in a million years think I ‘look’ like her idea of a lesbian, my wife less so.
The racism would really bother me.

Your comments about "looking like a lesbian" are ridiculous!!! So she looks like a female person?

Okay so in reference to your question to combat it - You state in clear terms "I disagree with that comment due to xyz". "I don't share that view because of xyz". "As a family we were always raised to believe xyz". "That's not necessarily true because of xyz"...

It's honestly not hard to challenge people if you do it in a way that allows them to reflect on it themselves.

The "lesbian look" comment on your own part may be something you wish to reflect on though OP.

My 8 year old has trousers like Miley's in that pic.

That's all I see.

I genuinely can't see that she 'tbf' looks like a lesbian.

How? What? I'm so lost.

You're both bigots, but you;re the worst. Does that help?

I was personally bemused by the black drug dealing cyclist comment... Was he sporting cycling shorts, hi viz, a cycling helmet, and balancing a large 'protection dog' in a basket?

There is a spectrum for being racist? Surely, you are either racist or not.
It’s like saying someone is little bit pregnant.

Oh and maybe get the Orange is the new black box set.

I feel that she is at least a casual racist, or unconsciously racist. However I have no advice on how to counter it, other than say that is wrong to say that, it is stereotyping/racist etc when she says things like that.