AIBU or is my sister in law a racist?

[DJLippy]

My brother has been seeing someone for about two years.

About a year ago we were chatting about Justin Bieber and I said I thought it was disgraceful how everybody had forgotten about the racist song he sung and all the 'n word' jokes. She then said she didn't think there was anything wrong with the 'n-word' because 'they use that word all the time why can't we.' I didn't say anything at the time because I was just getting to know her and I thought I might be paranoid. She also made some vaguely homophobic comments about Mily Cyrus 'looking like such a lesbian.' Which, TBF. she did, but she said it in a very disdainful way - like lesbian to rhyme with tramp.

Yesterday we met up and she kept bringing up the riots in France, which kicked off after the World Cup win. These were racially tinged riots occurring as they did in the predominately immigrant ghettos. She never really talks about the news or current affairs with me and I thought it was odd she kept bringing it up. Later in traffic some guy let her in front and she said 'he just gave me a gangsta nod.' When I looked I noticed the guy was black. Again, I thought - am I just being paranoid?

Today we passed a black cyclist and she said he looked like a drug dealer. I made a snarky comment like 'Yeah I know, black in charge of a bicycle.'

None of these things individually made much difference but together do they could signal implicit bias, xenophpbia or outright racism. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I don't think she is full on racist. She grew up in Dubai and her sister married an Arab. She's not made any comments about other races - just black people.

AIBU, overly critical or is this dog whistle racism?

I don't know how to challenge such attitudes in the future. Today I did a snarky joke - which she didn't signal she heard. Outright confrontation? If someone is an out and out racist it's likely to be pointless. Maybe she is unaware of her sub-conscious bias against black people? She is helping to raise my nieces and I know that all our family - as well as their mum are very anti-racism. I do worry the subtle effect it could have on them? How young is too young to show them my Root's box set?

Christ, as if growing up in Dubai is any indication of anything! A country in which the mega-rich abuse and exploit those living in penury, every damn day. A bigger shithole of a country I’d be hard-pressed to name: you couldn’t pay me to go there. I dislike all and any use of the ‘N’ word, really, but some black people feel that they have ownership of it, and that it loses some of its historical pejorative power when they use it. I get that. Ambulatory abscess Bieber doesn’t get to use it, because it’s never been spat at him by a person in a position of power. Anyone who thinks it’s fine for white people to use it because black people do? Racist. Your brother’s missus is racist. Not exactly ‘Mississippi Burning’ racist, but racist nonetheless.

My daughter is gay and she looks nothing like Miley Cyrus. She's obviously not a real lesbian.

However your SIL is a massive racist and you need to educate her. Either that, or just respond with "sorry, WHAT did you just say?!"

I’ll bet she has some truly hilarious observations to make about the size of black male genitalia, as well . . . 😒

She's mildly racist. Fairly common..it's just more people feel comfortable sharing those thoughts publicly due to the political climate.

I know that lesbians don't 'look' a certain way but is it homophobic to say someone looks like a lesbian? Let's not erase lesbian identity by pretending people don't present in a Gender non-conforming way. She is pansexual after all. I don't look overtly bisexual (whatever that is) so I took that comment to heart. Also she didn't know that at the time.

Here is a picture of what she looked like (literally) at the time for reference.

Yes OP as others have pointed out your miley comment makes you as homophobic as her. The only difference is she said it out loud. As a long blonde haired, dress and make up wearing lesbian I find that very offensive.
As for the racism. I don't understand why people pussy foot around bigots. Why do you care about her feelings on the matter? When people around me make comments that are racist, sexist or homophobic I call them out straight away. I ask them why they think that's an acceptable thing to say and that I hope it was a poorly judged joke than their actual views on the matter. She's a racist so tell her that.

Yes. Yes it is homophobic.

Does it matter that she may be racist? Those are her views, but she will need to moderate what she says in front of you & esp. your nieces if she continues dating your brother. But don't forget, she was raised in Dubai where the ethnicities are not equal, her in-laws are Middle Eastern too.

I don't know why you are getting bent out of shape over someone else's views. Your bro. needs to have a quiet word with her though to encourage her to think before she speaks esp. in Europe and esp. around your nieces. Apart from that, her outlook was formed in a different country that has a different 'take' on many issues.

I don't think it is homophobic to note lesbian culture exists. It does. People dress in ways that express all kinds of social ques. Your sexuality being one of them. I didn't mean to imply that lesbians must all look a certain way but we often encode our identity via clothing and hair.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone tactics they've found useful in combating racism in the family. I can't sour family relations with an aggressive confrontation. She is a link to contact with my nieces (who I absolutely adore) so I need to be mindful of this.

She is a racist and you should challenge her when she makes racist remarks.
Sounds like she is mainly racist against black Afro-Caribbean people.

You know she's racist. Your comment about Miley Cyrus is also homophobic. Get a grip and pull her up.

So a black man of a bicycle is a drug dealer? 🤔

So, what's a white man on a bycicle..oh yeah, a cyclist..silly me!

Calling a woman who doesn't comply with our society's stereotyped expectations for her sex a lesbian is homophobic, and is mirroring the word's use as a slur for any woman who did not conform, comply or adequately perform femininity. It's misogynistic as fuck. What you said had nothing to do with appreciating lesbian culture.

But your defensiveness on this point is what you should expect from your SIL.

I think y'all are erasing lesbians.

Expecting people from other cultures to present in a normative manner is wrong. I didn't say it was wrong to look like a lesbian - my Sil did. What's wrong with the assumption that a GNC woman looks like a lesbian? Is there something wrong with looking like a lesbian?

Because there is no such thing as "looking like a lesbian".

Who is they

when was the last time you Heard two black people refer to each other as 'n*r' bar American rappers and American kids

I challenge anyone who has black people at their work
Or know any black people in any context in the UK Athena refer to each other as 'n**r' I am black 36 and I never had

No but I think that pretending people are culturally neutral is wrong. Most lesbians I know present in GNC ways. IMO pretending you don't see sexuality is like saying 'I don't see race.'

Wait until you are old, nothing compares to the relentless ageism. We should even not live so long! We don’t know what we are talking about, even though we have more experience of life and the changes that work or don’t. Etc. I think be honest, we all have had stereotypes of one group or another. Not saying it’s right but we grow up eventually and see the error of our ways. OP just put your side. Like just because she or he is black doesn’t mean he or she is a gangsta.

No it's not. Many lesbians I know don't present in GNC ways and plenty of heterosexual people I know do present in GNC ways. Just because it's your personal experience doesn't make something true. You are on a hiding to nothing trying to justify this and you know it.

I assume by 'looks like a lesbian', you mean looks butch. Not all lesbians are butch, not all butch women are lesbians and I think Miley looks pretty darn feminine in that picture anyway.

It just sounds like you're making it way bigger than it actually is. Perhaps your sil could use some educating on the subject rather than you retorting with "snarky" comments.

Give over with the lesbian stuff.

This is a derailment.

But I think it is quite an interesting point. I don't consider myself homophobic. I don't think my female partners did either. But I have been very defensive. The shape of things to come?

Saying she isn’t racist because her BIL is Arabic is the same as the cliche classic “I’m not racist becsuse..”

She is racist and horribly bigoted. Even if she is solely racist towards black people, it is still racism. Indians can be racist towards Pakistanis and vice versa for example. You don’t have to hate every race that isn’t yours to be racist. She doesn’t sound terribly bright.