To use the word "naughty"

[speedymama]

DTS are 3 yo and go to nursery. This weekend they chastised me and DH for using that word. They did something that I had asked them not to do and I told them to stop being naughty. DT1 retorted with "don't say naughty, I'm not naughty, you can't say naughty". So I responded with "well stop misbehaving then!"

I spoke to the nursery about this and they confirmed that they are not allowed to use the word naughty because it labels the child rather than the act. Now I'm all for positive parenting but there comes a time when you have to just tell how it is. I don't call my boys name but I do point out their bad behaviour and I also praise them when they are being good. In fact, I praise more than I chastise.

As a child, when my parents told me that I was being naughty, I took notice. Now my 3yo DTS read me the riot act. Well, I will not be dictated to by a toddler and if that makes me a dinosaur in terms of modern day parenting, so be it.

So am I a recalcitrant, anachronistic, old fashioned dinosaur who refuses to indulge the latest fads in parenting as dictated by a bunch of pinko liberal, arm wringing, bleeding heart busybodies?

we're having two different conversations, soupy. i don't want you saying anythign negative about my child, full stop, if you're their teacher. about their behaviour, if you must, but not my child.
and disobedient is a word i might use to my child, whereas naughty isn't.

trex you might find this reassuring. (realting to the nurseries thread} but it all kind of fits together with this one i think.

See I don't find naughty a soft word At All. I find it pretty harsh and non-descriptive. To me is just says Bad.

I conducted a small experiment (it wasn't laboratory conditions) with dd earlier - 4.10. She has been told on occasions that she is 'exceptionally naughty' 'outrageously badly behaved' etc and even "a little sod" (go on, shoot me)...I asked her:

Hmc; "so dd would you say that you are mostly good or mostly naughty"

she reflected...dd: "mostly good" (confident grin)

Hmc; "ummm, just supposing I was to say to you that I think you are mostly naughty, what would you say?"

dd: (with look of righteous indignation) "I would say that I am mostly good"

Hmc: (proud indulgent smile) "actually you are mostly good, very good"

Cue soppy toe curling looks of mutual respect exchanged between hmc and sproglet

Well, I'm happy...

In all seriousness, I am quite sure that my parenting would have some of you take a sharp intake of breath (I bet some of you baulked at 'little sod' but that was in my weaker moments, and more to the point I simply don't believe that you haven't said similar on occasion)...but I know I am raising robust, happy, 'centered', fearless, outspoken individuals.

This is rather difficult to say and I have been sitting on it for some time for fear of causing offence, but I do think some parents are at risk of raising rather 'precious' children ill equipped to deal with the rigours of life

(hmc awaits the roasting that will follow)

Oh heck - did I just press 'post message' ?

I don't have much opinion about what you've posted HMC, except that it's nice that your dd is so confident

and a bit of a shame that you feel you have to have a pop at people who do things differently. It doesn't offend me as such but I think it's a shame

(yes you have Made Franny Feel Sad, ok? )

You see - you play rough! despite avoiding the word 'naughty'

My sister was always told how bad she was. She now has 3 kids (all with diffrent children) and a drug problem. I guess she lived up to everyione's expectations

it was good what she said, though, wasn't it? Did you have any doubt where you wondered what she might come up with?

sorry paula that was a rather unfortunate cross post

sorry to hear about your sister's problem

See I don't baulk at little sod At All. Perfectly reasonable stuff.

I do however have heruuuuge ishoos with labelling children particularly girls with good, naughty etc etc.

I am bringing up fiesty opinionated girls who will Stand Up for Themselves and in no way will have their Spirit Crushed.

To the original OP...in a word ' no', to think otherwise is clearly bonkers...there is a phenomenon amongst certain middle class class families I call ' overparenting '...it can be as harmful to children as the opposite.

Sorry franny - don't wish to make you feel sad or anyone else, but most particularly not you.

I didn't mean it as a pop at anyone. Just something to consider.

There is someone I know whom I respect enormously. Her children seem more fearful than mine and I think it is because she cossets them and over protects(but I wouldn't criticise her parenting, she's a brilliant mother). I had her in mind. And my theory could well be wrong. Maybe it is something in the genetics - that my children are so 'robust' rather than anything environmental (such as parenting approach)?

Thats ok.

Oh and no I didn't doubt what she might say. Bless her - no flies on her!

thanks, PI. i'll have a better look later. i agree with everything you say, and am also bringing up a daughter (only child at the mo). for me, i just don't like words that are less about the moment and more about defining a characteristic, i think.

I'm glad they won't have their spirits crushed, PI ... but watch their farking wings!

An interesting read is there's a good girl

ah now you see so far my dds are quite civilised. Ability to mix socially v v important imo.

T-rex read the book and boil with rage about shoes with me.

My mum sometimes told me I was 'a very, very naughty' (usually when I was being..umm...very very naughty, surprisingly).

My Irish Gran No.1 told me I was 'bold' 'contrary' and 'wild' on a regular basis.

My Irish granny No.2 was a woman of few words, and mainly things like 'You'll feel the back of my hand if you don't stop your carry on, my girl!'

The main thing was, I was raised in a house full of love, laughter, conversation, emotions epxressed rather than repressed and yes, there were arguments and some shouting and crying and lost tempers. The particulars really don't matter much if you have a loving family.

I couldn't agree more about the 'over-parenting' thing, by the way (which was why I referred to class in the first place, as it does seem to be a middle class phenomenon, let's be honest. We have everything in the world to give our children - food, shelter, education, love, more material things than they could possibly dream of - and our children are safer than any other children in history, possibly - vaccinated, in receipt of free healthcare and clean water, largely free from war - so what can we worry about now? What can we find to obssess about? How can we better 'parent'our children? It gets tedious in the extreme...)

p.s. I think its fair to say i'm feisty :-)

with both parents often out of the house and loads of kids in childcare five days a week while their parents bust a gut to pay a mortgage, i'm not so completely convinced that our children have it better than ever. tbh i think i was able to have a better childhood than i'll be able to offer my baby.

'emotions expressed rather than repressed' - yep, that's how our household is...

No bad thing imo

where did it become the case that not insulting your child meant you were repressed? lolol.