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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to move in

119 replies

Elderflower78 · 16/07/2018 17:45

Sil works away from home. She has applied for jobs back home. She is hinting at staying with us for 6 months as we have a spare bedroom. Only us and her grandparents have a spare bedroom out of the family.
Dh and I are ttc and I really don't need the stress of trying to shag while his sister is in the house. It makes me uncomfortable.....and even when we aren't ttc I like my own space. I work hard, I have dc and I like time to myself or with dh. I'm an introvert and really value my own space.

The spare room is for the potential baby that's why we bought a house with a spare room but ever since moving in his family have hinted at staying all the time. It stresses me out.
She hasn't actually asked yet but dropping hints and it's coming.
Aibu to say a firm no?

OP posts:
BlueUggs · 16/07/2018 19:55

Don't do it. I let my mum move in after she left my dad. It's been the most stressful 6 months! I hate it.

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 16/07/2018 20:01

She has had her eye on the spare room since we moved in because it would mean having her own space and not having to share a room with her little sister.
I know dh would allow it if it wasn't for me and I remember his parents saying oh what an ideal room for sil to stay in when she comes to visit. I will bring the bed over.
I fucking hate it.

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 20:07

You need to get the bed moved out of your house pronto!

How old is she, out of interest?

Lizzie48 · 16/07/2018 20:13

Don't do it, that would have disaster written all over it. I could never cope with that, especially now DH and I have our DDs. We had a French au pair living with us for 7 months, by choice. It worked okay because she was helping us, but I was relieved to have my own space again once she left.

Do stand firm, OP, don't allow yourself to be pressured. I like the Mumsnet maxim that 'no' is a full sentence, you don't have to give reasons for saying no.

Terriblydifficult · 16/07/2018 20:14

Lose the bed, definately.

keyboardkate · 16/07/2018 20:16

How and why on earth did you allow that bed into your house!

I totally empathise with you OP. I have two spare bedrooms now, and I am a quiet and private person, probably introverted but whatever. I NEVER have anyone to stay.

I have on occasion paid for potential visitors to stay in the lovely little hotel down the road. Worth every bloody penny IMV.

Stand your ground and let her know it will not work for you. Invite her to dinner and so on but staying for six months, good lord, 6 hours would crack me up.

But maybe I am just odd or something, but I would safely say there are millions like me. Difference is, I say it out, don't beat around the bush, so visitors to my town understand and make their own arrangements.

There are others out there who really enjoy hosting visitors for days on end. I wonder if they really do, or feel obliged to though?

Best of luck, go with your gut and suit yourself and your lifestyle, and enjoy trying to make babies too in peace and privacy!

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 16/07/2018 20:46

**Keyboardkate you sound just like me.

OP posts:
CoffeeOrSleep · 16/07/2018 21:02

Believe me, you need to get rid of the bed now, as in, before this time next week and tell them you have got rid of it. (calling to offer it back to them before it goes to the tip is the best way to tell them without making it about you telling them, if that makes sense!)

If you leave it until SIL directly asks, you'll face her having a job near you house and nowhere to live lined up, so if you don't let her stay, she'll be homeless/can't take that great job... If your DH would otherwise say yes, then you'll be backed into a corner and have to be the 'bad guy' if you stick to you guns.

Head it off, they are all assuming this is what's going to happen. Get rid of the bed is the first step to getting them to question that assumption. (Or at least telling them you have got rid of it!) Then filling the room with something else, home office/craft room etc, most importantly it can't be an unused bedroom just right for SIL to use!

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 21:08

OP, do either you or your husband do a job that involves (or could involve) working from home? If so, you just say one of you is working from home now and you're converting the room into an office so they need to let you know when they will be coming round to pick up the bed that you can no longer store for free? Or, if you're feeling really generous, when and where they would like you to drop it off.

I still don't get why they think SIL living with you is the only option. How old is she? It seems to me as though moving into a houseshare like almost every other young person does at the beginning of their career should be a perfectly viable option, and if it isn't, she will have to share with her sibling until such time as she can afford to move out. It'll be great motivation for her to save her money and move out as soon as possible.

Not your daughter, not your problem.

Anon12345ABC · 16/07/2018 21:09

God know this wouldn't be happening! Your presumtuous ILs can all sod right off. Stuff that room full of crap and say you don't have the space. If they say you could move it, say no, that doesn't work for us, try the GPs.

keyboardkate · 16/07/2018 21:43

@Elderflower78

Good to know I am not the only one! Once you get to a certain stage in life you just do what suits you, well I do anyway.

I will help anyone out and so on, I am not a total recluse or anything like that, but I value my home and my privacy greatly. I suppose that is allowed!

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/07/2018 22:07

Where is she currently staying?
If its still at her parents id go over there now and take massive shit with the door open and waft it through the landing.

Take a chainsaw to the spare bed.

Maelstrop · 16/07/2018 22:26

She can get a room in a shared house like we all did when young and impoverished.

When asking pil to remove the bed and they say ‘Oh, but we thought sil would move in?’ just laugh lightly and say ‘Ha, that will never be an option’. There’s nothing they can say to that.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/07/2018 22:29

YANBU. It sounds like there will be no definite end (just saving up money), which would make me even more worried. If you wanted a lodger, you'd get one and charge them market rate! There's no reason why your SIL couldn't lodge somewhere or house share.

I'd leave the room stuffed full of boxes and clutter until you fall pregnant. If you turn it into an office or hobby room, there might just be space on the floor for SIL.

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 22:39

If she's already working, and presumably renting somewhere near where she currently works, then I'm not sure why renting near her new job would be any different.

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 17/07/2018 00:02

No we don't do jobs we could do at home at all. I have left boxes and shite in the room delibratly so it's not welcoming....until it becomes a nursery.
It wouldn't matter if it was a study they would just suggest a sofa bed.
Even if she did get a job here and moved in she could always lose her job and then we are stuck with her until she finds an income.
It's a firm no because I know I would be miserable. I will leave it up to dh to sort it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elderflower78 · 17/07/2018 00:08

I want the bed for dc when he's older. He has one of them beds with ladders he's going to grow out of. The bed is ours but the mattress is hers which they moved out of their house to fit in a small sofa bed.

When sil was visiting she was moaning constantly about how the sofa bed was hurting her back and it's so uncomfortable and she can't stay longer than a night on it. Basically dropping hints like bombs to stay over.
A night here or there would be fine but I'm scared to start it tbh.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 17/07/2018 00:17

don't offer the odd night here and there... it's let her move in.... Flowers

morningperson · 17/07/2018 06:30

OMG Elderflower i really feel for you. i like my own space too so i'd hate this. i can just about manage accommodating a visitor for one night, i just dont feel like its my own space when others are sharing it. But it sounds to me like this is going to happen OP. if you havent got the strength and courage to stop her moving in i dont think you'll have the strength and courage to get her out. she's just going to take over your house. Once baby comes along she'll be all "Ooh i can be your live-in babysitter!" (anything to keep herself there). also i havent seen anything about whether she'd be paying you rent. doubt it as she's using the situation to be able to "save up". But then you ask yourself why has she not managed to do this so far. she's just sofa-surfing her way through life without paying rent. The parents are obvs sick to death of her if they've shoved the matress through your front door (or are about to) same with her siblings. your DH not being fussed by it all will allow it to happen if you dont object enough (on that precise basis) and he probably thinks he'll have to do less if there's another woman there so his life can go on as normal. dont let this happen. its already nearly happened OP, its going to be too late soon. you'll come home one day and her bloody shampoo will be next to yours on bathroom shelf. Retain control of your home, your life and your family to be.

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 17/07/2018 07:11

It won't be happening. I would risk the fall out. For my own sanity and happiness.
I will be honest if she keeps banging on....your brother and I are ttc and wouldn't feel comfortable having you in the house. The room is going to be a nursery and as soon as I'm pregnant we will be preparing it for the baby.
She needs to get a new job first then sort out accommodation. She will just need to stay on her parents sofa bed. I am sick of the embarrassing hints every time I see her.
It makes me so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Bibesia · 17/07/2018 07:39

Tell her to stop hinting because she's wasting her breath. Or else stop seeing her till she's sorted out accommodation elsewhere.

Hortonlovesahoo · 17/07/2018 08:02

I’d be getting your DH to tell her that it’s not going to happen as she might not /won’t listen to you?

Id be blunt and keep repeating the same message

BrownTurkey · 17/07/2018 08:08

Tell DH to say that you need her to take the mattress back to wherever she is staying when she moves down, as you can’t keep it anymore. Start a year long decorating project in that room. I would relinquish the bed too if it is going to be used against you in this family dynamic.

ushuaiamonamour · 17/07/2018 08:14

Good on you for being willing to stand firm on this, but I'm not sure giving her a reason for refusing is a great idea. Especially that reason--'You can't move in because we don't want you to hear us shagging'. That's a very weak objection & easily countered (It wouldn't bother me, I wouldn't listen, You can't hear anything from the spare room). 'We're so sorry but it just won't be possible' might be a better way to go if she does indeed invite herself.

DarlingNikita · 17/07/2018 10:01

I'm not sure giving her a reason for refusing is a great idea

No, it isn't. Apart from anything else, the reason you suggest here is a very personal one; why on earth should you give out personal info like that?

Just 'No, that won't work for us.' You don't owe her any details or excuses.