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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to move in

119 replies

Elderflower78 · 16/07/2018 17:45

Sil works away from home. She has applied for jobs back home. She is hinting at staying with us for 6 months as we have a spare bedroom. Only us and her grandparents have a spare bedroom out of the family.
Dh and I are ttc and I really don't need the stress of trying to shag while his sister is in the house. It makes me uncomfortable.....and even when we aren't ttc I like my own space. I work hard, I have dc and I like time to myself or with dh. I'm an introvert and really value my own space.

The spare room is for the potential baby that's why we bought a house with a spare room but ever since moving in his family have hinted at staying all the time. It stresses me out.
She hasn't actually asked yet but dropping hints and it's coming.
Aibu to say a firm no?

OP posts:
Hortonlovesahoo · 16/07/2018 18:29

What does your DH say? Does he agree with you?

bastardkitty · 16/07/2018 18:29

I wouldn't wait for her to ask. I would take the bull by the horns and either you or your partner text and say 'I have an inkling that you might be building up to asking if you can come and stay here, but I have to be upfront and say that if that is the case, it really wouldn't work for us'.

Bibesia · 16/07/2018 18:30

Make the room a study so that you can say you don't have a spare room.

GinghamStyle · 16/07/2018 18:30

I've seen too many threads on here where "a few weeks" has turned into 6 months and so expect "6 months" to be at least 2 years.

Soon, you and DH will be shagging in the bushes at the end of somebody's garden, poor DC will be sleeping in your room because SIL is still living with you.

If you don't say no now, we'll be seeing a lot more threads from you in the future...

Original poster
Elderflower78 · 16/07/2018 18:35

Dh is supportive of how I feel and said ttc with his sister here would be weird but I know if I said I was ok with it he would be straight on the phone asking her to stay with us.
It's his family I worry about. They were bringing her spare bed over to ours as soon as she moved out of there's. She used to share a bedroom with her other sibling while she was at home but both of the siblings made it clear they wouldn't share with each other again. I think the parents were basically telling her to stay with her brother as there is more room. The spare bedroom isn't even done up yet it's just a storage room right now but her sodding bed is in it.

OP posts:
JuliaJaynes9 · 16/07/2018 18:37

your needs are not aligned
she wants to be a lodger/live in a house share
you are not a person who wants a lodger/house sharer
she needs to find someone who does want a lodger/house sharer

of course if she stays with family it will be easier to manipulate and take the piss
Just say, 'no we are not in the market for lodgers/house share' and wish her luck in her search for a mutually agreeable accommodation set up.
You dont have to give a reason apart from 'it's not what we want'

Sparkletastic · 16/07/2018 18:38

It's a no. She can find a room in a house-share like most adults on low incomes have to do.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 16/07/2018 18:42

DON'T DO IT!!! We have DHs brother living here with us. 2 years he's been here and it drives me up the frigging wall. I'm desperate for him to leave but we need his rent money :(

Aquamarine1029 · 16/07/2018 18:43

No way. Saying no is NOT rude, that's your right. You don't have to apologize for not wanting to share your home. I wouldn't allow it in a million years.

Hidingtonothing · 16/07/2018 18:51

I've seen too many threads on here where "a few weeks" has turned into 6 months and so expect "6 months" to be at least 2 years.

Yep, happened to us with one of DH's friends, he was only supposed to stay a couple of weeks. He was on the sofa so not even a 'well you have a spare room' scenario but it was still a job to shift him. It really shocked me just how thick skinned people can be when it's obvious to anyone they've outstayed their welcome, be warned OP Smile

I wouldn't say anything unless SIL asks directly, ignore hints completely but be ready with a response you're comfortable with so she can't catch you off guard. If you're sure DH is fully onside with saying no you could refer it back to him if she asks you, or you could say something like 'ah no SIL, I'm not good at sharing space and I like you too much to risk falling out with you!' and make a joke of it. Or you could go with something more blunt about valuing your space etc if you feel ok with that but make sure it's a firm, non negotiable no.

nocoolnamesleft · 16/07/2018 18:55

Start decorating the nursery. Make sure it's in an unstayable state.

Mumminmum · 16/07/2018 18:56

Asa @Sugarpiehoneyeye said, she is an adult.

She is an adult with a job. It is not your responsibility to give her a place to live.

And her bed being in your house? Ask her parents to come and get it as it is cluttering up the place.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/07/2018 19:01

No no. YANBU. She's a grown woman with a job, and she needs to save enough to make the move. She can live in a shared house - she would probably prefer it once she gets past the laziness of sorting it out.

twiglet · 16/07/2018 19:02

She has a job now and will have a job soon. Tell her to get a professional house share. There are loads of websites and it's typically a lot cheaper with or without bills.
Don't allow her to move in and if family grumble just say its our house and our space. I would also move her bed!

auntyflonono · 16/07/2018 19:03

Put her bed in the garage or shed and ask her to take it away. Its like an invitation just sitting there in an empty room!

YANBU!

JuliaJaynes9 · 16/07/2018 19:06

your in laws sound controlling...using their daughter to impose on your lives, stifles you, puts pressure on your relationship and infantilises her, stopping her from properly living independently

Delatron · 16/07/2018 19:07

Good god no. It will be horrific and will have a direct impact on you ttc.

Yes get rid of the bed in the guest room too.

CoffeeOrSleep · 16/07/2018 19:12

Right - you need to get ahead on this if you really don't want the confrontation of it happening so - this evening - text /call your PIL and ask if they would like the spare bed back, as you are clearing the spare room and if they don't want it, you are taking it to the tip on Saturday/your next day off. You/your DH need a home office/study space. (Do you have jobs where you could reasonably work from home, even if you don't? Then you need to set up with a proper desk and chair, it's just not comfy working on a dining chair... Lie, it's going to be a regular thing now.) - or do you /your DH have a hobby you could use the room for? (Sewing, painting, crafts etc?)

You are clearing the room this weekend, it's going one way or another by this weekend. You then don't have a spare bedroom, they would then be asking for you to give up your home office/craft room, turn that into a bedroom for SIL, which is a much bigger ask than to ask if she can sleep in what is already an unused bedroom.

This way they might not actually ask if you make it clear you use the room (even if you don't).

Go on, get that done this evening. Otherwise you'll be stressed for ages waiting for the request.

SilverySurfer · 16/07/2018 19:14

It would definitely be a no from me - YANBU at all. First step is to remove her bed - to her parents' house/ grandparents/ storage - anywhere except in your spare room which you should start decorating as a nursery - half strip paper off walls, rip up flooring, remove door to be stripped/painted elsewhere - basically make it uninhabitable.

She's an adult - time to start behaving like one. It's irrelevant if she offers to pay rent or not - the word is NO.

How about you do a bit of research and see what house shares cost in your area? You can then give her the info if she asks the dreaded question.

pigsDOfly · 16/07/2018 19:26

You don't have to justify your reasons to anyone OP. It's your family home and you want to stay as the family you are and possibly add to it with a new baby.

Having SIL to stay doesn't work for you. That's all. Nothing more needs to be added.

I can fully understand where you're coming from. I live on my own. My house is bigger than one person needs but it's my home and I don't care that I have spare rooms, that's the way I like it.

If you don't want her in your home. You don't have her in your home.

BlackWatchBelle · 16/07/2018 19:26

OP, you cannot let his family smell any weakness, you and your DH need to be firm and united or his family may try and talk him round.

I am a single mum of 2, I have a spare room. My sister visits me sometimes and she is lovely, supportive and helpful but I am helping her carry her bags to her car afyer a week's visit. I want my space to myself, my house and my rules. I want to hang out in my pants (the kids don't care) I want to eat chocolate at 10pm (sis is a fitness freak) just lots of little things that no matter how much you like someone there will always be a things that put you on edge. If you already resent the prospect of your sil moving in then its not going to work at all

viques · 16/07/2018 19:31

Just because someone drops hints doesn't mean you have to pick them up.

If she comes straight out with it and asks then be prepared to say no, but until that day ignore the hints....

Yambabe · 16/07/2018 19:39

I'd start dropping hints about all the things you'll be able to do with the extra money you would have if you had someone staying and paying market rent........

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 19:40

Of course YANBU.

Why on earth would she expect to be able to move in with you and live there rent free? It's your home. You shouldn't have anyone staying with you unless you want them to be there and you invite them.

What would she do if she didn't know anyone with a spare room? Because she should do that.

LoveInTokyo · 16/07/2018 19:44

Just seen your update.

Your need to call her/them/whoever moved her bed into your house asap and ask them when they will be removing it because you need the space back.

Her bed being in your spare room is a very short step away from her sleeping in her bed in your spare room!