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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contraception hates me - I'm destined to be single, right?

113 replies

ReallyWTF · 15/07/2018 21:47

I've tried:

Condoms = buzzkill and not sustainable longterm.
Two different types of combined pill = weight gain, anxiety, depression, acne.
Two different types of mini pill = weight gain and hair loss.
Copper IUD = very painful cramps, anemia through 2-week-long blood loss, unbearable anxiety and depression.
"Natural timing" = resulted in two MAP experiences.

AIBU to think I'm totally fucked in terms of maintaining a relationship? Men are used to women taking on the bulk of contraceptive burden, and most women can do so without any issues. So I'm a dud in the woman-stakes.

I'm at the end of my tether after my current experience with the copper IUD (my worst experience yet - literal mental breakdown, anxiety and irritability beyond anything I have experienced before). I'm phoning tomorrow to get the thing removed.

I love sex and have an above average sex drive, but nature is against me. AIBU to think I need to give up the thought of a sexlife outside the procreational realm? I have 4 kids and no desire for more but can't stomach the finality of sterilization. Partner is scared of going under the knife (and tbh why should he have to when, as I said above, most women wouldn't need him to?)

Feeling really, really, sad and fed up :(

OP posts:

SuperMumTum · 16/07/2018 16:34

Most couples that I know that have finished having children have chosen for the man to have a vasectomy. If you've finished procreating and are in a committed relationship it's a no brainer.

MrJohnReese · 16/07/2018 16:40

Don't understand how using the natural method/timing caused you to take the Map unless you just weren't doing it properly.

I do get where you're coming from. I don't get on with hormonal contraceptives, copper coil was awful and loathe condoms. However I've used the method of monitoring my cycle and fertility signs all my adult life whilst in ltr, used properly it's great. I've conceived 5 times as required and never had any mishaps

Purpleartichoke · 16/07/2018 16:46

Decent men who are worth having sex with will take on as much of the birth control burden as possible. Real men use condoms. Real men get vasectomies when they and their long term partner are done having children. If he balks at either, he is pathetic and I don’t see why you would want to have sex with him.

maxthemartian · 16/07/2018 16:49

I don't get on with hormonal contraception and have no desire to have anything shoved in my uterus. So condoms it is. DH is fine with this, if he wasn't then he could go and get a vasectomy.

Darkbendis · 16/07/2018 17:41

After almost 20 years of using hormonal contraception (except the time of TTC and 2 pregnancies) I told DH that I am having enough of dealing with it myself so it's his choice now: either go for the snip or use condoms from now on. He's planning to go for the snip and has already started to ask for info.

ShatnersWig · 16/07/2018 17:52

Real men get vasectomies when they and their long term partner are done having children. If he balks at either, he is pathetic

I look forward to you telling a woman who doesn't want to be sterilised she's not a real woman and she's being pathetic.

Sorry, but anyone who decides they don't want to undergo any surgery - their body, their choice - having weighed up possible risks to themselves and/or their relationship, is not pathetic.

MsFrizzle · 16/07/2018 18:03

No contraception works for me either. I feel your pain.

Mirena coil, implant, injections etc that people keep suggesting are all hormonal. If hormonal didn't work initially, it won't magically change in a different form!

tealandteal · 16/07/2018 18:12

Surely there is a bigger issue here in that you shouldn't have to worry that your long term partner, father of your four children, would leave you if he had to use condoms?

limon · 16/07/2018 18:21

If your partner wants to stay with you and have sex - presuming he doesn't want any more kids- then he will need to have the snip. It's very simple.

lostinjapan · 16/07/2018 18:30

I’m a 30 year old woman. I’ve never used any type of hormonal contraception, I’ve only ever used condoms. I don’t like the idea of ‘messing’ with my body and the potential side effects. I wouldn’t go on the pill if a partner asked me to. I would never consider being permanently sterilised and being at a 10% risk of suffering chronic pain (even if there was a 0.1% risk I still wouldn’t do it).

What’s your verdict on me? Am I pathetic, unworthy of having sex with, and not a real woman? I’ve always just seen it as being my body my choice...

FissionChips · 16/07/2018 18:36

Your partner and father of your children will leave you if he has to use condoms?

Why would you even want to have sex with a man who would do that?

TeasndToast · 16/07/2018 21:15

What’s your verdict on me? Am I pathetic, unworthy of having sex with, and not a real woman? I’ve always just seen it as being my body my choice

No because you are not risking your partners life, health, body, mental health, miscarriage and all the other dangers that the enormous strain of pregnancy brings.

As you are taking all the risks you get to make the choice. A bloke should step up and sort it out.

hayli · 16/07/2018 22:21

Your partner and father of your children will leave you if he has to use condoms? *

Why would you even want to have sex with a man who would do that?*
This.

lifetothefull · 16/07/2018 22:30

I discovered very early on that pill didn't agree with me. I went to cap and now combine with natural timing. The only disadvantage of cap is having the discipline to put it in. It doesn't stop any feeling and doesn't pump you with hormones.

ifoundthebread · 16/07/2018 23:11

I was a mess, I was loosing hair, my life was full of dread, I felt so heavy in myself - don't know how to describe it, everything required effort. My moods were off the map, I felt so confused in my own head, I'd ramdomly space out and then hit pure tiredness. The night after I got it removed I slept amazingly, I woke up so refreshed. Have you checked online for local drop in family planning sessions, that's were I got mine removed.

PatriciaHolm · 16/07/2018 23:26

If your partner would really leave you or sleep with someone else if forced to use condoms, you have big relationship issues.

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 02:46

"What man will use condoms every day for life?" are you being serious, OP? If that is your attitude, then yes, I imagine you will remain single. If they don't want children and you don't want children then they'll use a fcuking condom. And it's not a "buzz kill". What is a buzz kill is people being lazy with contraception and ending up with unwanted pregnancies. Your partners sound extremely immature and so do you tbh.

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 02:51

And I 100% disagree with those saying the man should have a vasectomy. That's an operation to change a fundamental part of your bodily function. If the scalpel were in the other hand, you'd be in uproar over the woman being told to have her tubes tied. You can't force surgery onto someone. The traditional methods of contraception work fine, no need for hormonal treatment either. Just use a condom! Or stop having sex

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 02:52

Real women get their tubes tied when they're done having children.

Claire90ftm · 17/07/2018 02:58

He is absolutely making an excuse about wearing condoms and you're letting him. So ridiculous! You can get them from the pound shop, ffs. So no, they're not expensive. And they work just fine. Get the thin ones. And I can't feel the difference between him wearing a condom or not. Whose vagina is that sensitive?!

runningkeenster · 17/07/2018 08:51

Real men get vasectomies when they and their long term partner are done having children. If he balks at either, he is pathetic and I don’t see why you would want to have sex with him

Perfectly acceptable not to want a vasectomy, they can cause complications.

Yes I know childbirth and pregnancy can cause complications but not much we can do about that, there isn't a choice if you want kids. There are plenty of options that don't involve surgery.

Johnnyfinland · 17/07/2018 09:01

Why are you so obsessed with what you seem to have decided “society” and “most women” think? (Which I thoroughly disagree with you on anyway)

Any guy who thinks it’s 100% the woman’s problem to sort contraception and flat out refuses condoms is not someone I’d want to be sleeping with. Yes, 99% of contraceptive options are designed for women but condoms are there for men and if he cared about you he’d happily use them. I was having trouble with the pill and my boyfriend OFFERED to go back to condoms without me even having to ask. That’s what “real men” do

Helonia · 17/07/2018 12:18

I would like to echo the folks saying that condoms can be a sustainable solution, and that they’re only a buzzkill if you let them be. My husband and I haven’t used them often for the last few years since we’ve been taking a ‘whatever happens, happens’ approach to conceiving, but before then we made the decision that hormonal methods were very bad for me (depression and anxiety on the combined pill) and I was advised by my doctor that any coil is very uncomfortable for anyone who hasn’t given birth. He insisted that condoms were the best option, while I was considering trying other pills so that it didn’t ruin the experience for him. He insisted that it didn’t.

If you aren’t prepared to use condoms, and the rhythm method hasn’t worked for you (accidents can happen on this, even if you’re doing it right) then I don’t see another option other than one of you getting sterilised. This is easier for a man, and reversible, but needs to be a joint discussion.

TeasndToast · 17/07/2018 12:19

‘Stop having sex’ yeah ok that’s a realistic solution in a marriage.

Nobody is saying a man should be ‘forced’ to have an operation, but if he’s asked you to have his children and you’ve been through all that and he can’t make any sacrifices to stop more risk to you then it’s pretty shitty. In my case I had already been sterilised and had gone through a reversal for him so he could have a child. I lost a baby and a tube to an eptopic pregnancy, then had a baby, I then had an unplanned pregnancy that nearly killed me. Contraception that failed.

So yeah I’d think less of him if he wanted to continue to have sex but wanted me to continue taking all the risks.

It’s a bugbear when people say ‘there are plenty of options’ Maybe for YOU. Why is it people can’t grasp the fact that what might be suitable for them may not be ok for someone else. Like their experience must be universal?

kaytee87 · 17/07/2018 12:29

I think you're possibly still suffering from pnd? Your outlook on this doesn't seem normal. Either that or your DH isn't very nice. You think he'll cheat on you if asked to use a condom?

In a mutually respectful long term relationship both parties are responsible for contraception. DH and I have used a mixture of condoms or pill/mini pill over the years. Honestly I find the attitude that condoms are a buzzkill a little juvenile.

I don't actually think you understand how natural timing works tbh, why would you take the map if you thought you weren't having sex in your fertile period?

Have you tried the injection or the implant?

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