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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contraception hates me - I'm destined to be single, right?

113 replies

ReallyWTF · 15/07/2018 21:47

I've tried:

Condoms = buzzkill and not sustainable longterm.
Two different types of combined pill = weight gain, anxiety, depression, acne.
Two different types of mini pill = weight gain and hair loss.
Copper IUD = very painful cramps, anemia through 2-week-long blood loss, unbearable anxiety and depression.
"Natural timing" = resulted in two MAP experiences.

AIBU to think I'm totally fucked in terms of maintaining a relationship? Men are used to women taking on the bulk of contraceptive burden, and most women can do so without any issues. So I'm a dud in the woman-stakes.

I'm at the end of my tether after my current experience with the copper IUD (my worst experience yet - literal mental breakdown, anxiety and irritability beyond anything I have experienced before). I'm phoning tomorrow to get the thing removed.

I love sex and have an above average sex drive, but nature is against me. AIBU to think I need to give up the thought of a sexlife outside the procreational realm? I have 4 kids and no desire for more but can't stomach the finality of sterilization. Partner is scared of going under the knife (and tbh why should he have to when, as I said above, most women wouldn't need him to?)

Feeling really, really, sad and fed up :(

OP posts:
jaseyraex · 16/07/2018 08:27

A man who doesn't want any more kids will use condoms for the rest of his life if he isn't prepared to get the snip. Contraception is not just down to you. Your partner is a bit of a dick if he's not willing to step up and take the responsibility.

Screaminginsideme · 16/07/2018 11:57

My husband has used condoms for nearly 10 years. I can’t take the pill, the coil made me bleed all the time and we weren't ready for the snip.

He’s had it now.

Chocolate1984 · 16/07/2018 12:07

I've used condoms as contraception for 19 years. No man has ever objected.

Firesuit · 16/07/2018 12:34

What man will use condoms every day for life?

I have. Am always surprised that it's regarded as an issue. One 5-second conversation with DW two and a bit decades ago in which she said she didn't want to take pill in case it messed with her fertility, and we've used condoms ever since. (I don't really know or care whether her concern was justified. We still use condoms now that she is done with having children.)

(I learned from this forum that some women don't like the sensation of them, which I wouldn't have known otherwise.)

user1490465531 · 16/07/2018 13:10

Can't believe you said contraception down to the woman.
So it only takes one to make a baby?

runningkeenster · 16/07/2018 13:10

What man will use condoms every day for life

My DH for one. Why not? Anyway it's only until you get to the menopause.

Original poster
ReallyWTF · 16/07/2018 13:42

PookieDo What did you turn to in the end?

implant, injection

Once they're in, you can't get them removed, can you? That would be like putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger, hoping there are no bullets inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyWTF · 16/07/2018 13:54

Oh yes, and the loss of libido with the coil - completely out the fucking window.

Now NHS say, I can't have the coil removed for 2 weeks. A fortnight of more misery. I've looked into having it privately removed but can't find a service up here in the North East. Fuck this shit.

look up copper intoxication! It's a real thing. I suffered worse on that than contraception with hormones.

YES YES YES! Thank God someone else acknowledges what I'm going through. I'm near-suicidal with this copper inside me. How did you feel on it? Depressed, panic attacks, 'lost', angry, irritable, weepy, scared?

Why are you so preoccupied with making sure contraception doesn't inconvenience your partner, OP?

Because I realise society sees contraception as the woman's issue, and therefore, most women wouldn't expect him to do anything about it - they would just go on the pill. But I'm clearly a dud :(

Leave you? Stop sleeping with you?

Yep.

There is nothing more attractive that a woman who respects and looks after her own body.

tbh I think a life on condoms would fade the attraction pretty sharpish.

Well any man who wants sex with me indefinitely if they weren't prepared to the snip.

My point is, most women would just go on the pill, therefore by making him use condoms you are making yourself less attractive than most women. Hence my "destined to be single" comment.

Also, condoms are very expensive, unless a weekly trip to a family planning clinic is doable?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyWTF · 16/07/2018 13:57

A man who doesn't want any more kids will use condoms for the rest of his life if he isn't prepared to get the snip.

I don't think he cares whether we have more kids or not. I however, do NOT want more kids after horrendous PND and wanting a career.

Can't believe you said contraception down to the woman.
So it only takes one to make a baby?

Yes, its generally seen as the woman's problem because we have to deal with the fallout (MAPs, abortions - been there). Men deal with dick-all.

OP posts:
ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 16/07/2018 14:08

I have trouble with pill/coil etc but have held a relationship for 15years whilst using condoms. Never been a buzz kill. Yes it is a cost occurrence but i would rather spend a couple of quid on them, than a few thousand raising another child. We have 2 planned children. He has since had the snip after we both decided we didnt want any more. There are always options.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 16/07/2018 14:28

*implant, injection

Once they're in, you can't get them removed, can you?*

You can't get the injection removed but the implant can be.

Iwouldliketostopfeelingsicknow · 16/07/2018 14:38

I'm in a similar boat in that I can't take hormonal contraceptives and have heard so many nightmare stories about the coil.

I'm currently pregnant but we will be going back to condoms. Its either that or he doesn't get laid so his choice.

PookieDo · 16/07/2018 14:54

@ReallyWTF
I got sterilised earlier this year. I was off work for 5 days and had a couple of stitches. I now have a tiny scar. I don’t have any worries about artificial hormones or accidental pregnancy. I feel really liberated by it And pleased I chose this option

Original poster
ReallyWTF · 16/07/2018 15:04

I'm currently pregnant but we will be going back to condoms. Its either that or he doesn't get laid so his choice.

Or gets laid elsewhere...

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 16/07/2018 15:10

Would you not go for sterilisation? I have by tubes clipped. Can have sex without giving it a second thought. It's great.

Original poster
ReallyWTF · 16/07/2018 15:12

I'm tempted by steralisation but scared by the finality of it.

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/07/2018 15:17

I’m another who has used condoms long term - 6 years and then he got the snip. There’s a lot wrong in your relationship if he would cheat on you because you insisted on condoms being used.

NeonK · 16/07/2018 15:20

"Society sees contraception as the woman's issue.. most women wouldn't expect him to do anything about it" (sorry, can't don't know how to quote on the app)

Utter bollocks. Plenty women expect their partner to get sterilised once their family is complete. I certainly did. And he was happy to. Or at least to have a conversation about it.

I also worked in sexual health where we saw plenty men taking responsibility for contraception. You don't have a contraception problem, you have a partner problem.

NeonK · 16/07/2018 15:26

On a more helpful note, get down to your local sexual health service and discuss options with them. Implant might be worth a go - as pp said, it can be removed.

But I'd be considering sterilisation (for you or him).

Allthewaves · 16/07/2018 15:31

I had to go through 6 combined pills before finding that Marvelon suited me

PookieDo · 16/07/2018 15:31

It is equally a sexist argument to say you are afraid of the finality of sterilisation but could he not feel this way too?
I am just of the belief that humans take charge of their own reproductive organs

JellyBears · 16/07/2018 15:56

How are condoms a buskill? You gotta get creative with how you put them on...Blush

Mousefunky · 16/07/2018 16:07

I agree with you that condoms are a complete and utter buzzkill, I can’t stand them and neither can my DP. They are also extortionate and I know you can get free ones but let’s face it, they’re absolutely shit and rustle like a 5p carrier bag Grin.

After reading your update though, I’m concerned your DP would consider leaving you purely over contraception... seems you have bigger issues than what contraceptive you use tbh OP.

chillpizza · 16/07/2018 16:14

COuld you use a cap and spermicide lube?

I’m with you condoms are horrible might as well just use a vibrator for the same feeling and the smell of them no thanks.

TeasndToast · 16/07/2018 16:22

I’d rather not have sex than use condoms. I detest the feel of them to the point I can’t enjoy sex.

I am unable to take anything with hormones in because of aura migraines making me at a high risk of blood clots.

So husband had the snip as it’s not just my responsibility.