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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contraception hates me - I'm destined to be single, right?

113 replies

ReallyWTF · 15/07/2018 21:47

I've tried:

Condoms = buzzkill and not sustainable longterm.
Two different types of combined pill = weight gain, anxiety, depression, acne.
Two different types of mini pill = weight gain and hair loss.
Copper IUD = very painful cramps, anemia through 2-week-long blood loss, unbearable anxiety and depression.
"Natural timing" = resulted in two MAP experiences.

AIBU to think I'm totally fucked in terms of maintaining a relationship? Men are used to women taking on the bulk of contraceptive burden, and most women can do so without any issues. So I'm a dud in the woman-stakes.

I'm at the end of my tether after my current experience with the copper IUD (my worst experience yet - literal mental breakdown, anxiety and irritability beyond anything I have experienced before). I'm phoning tomorrow to get the thing removed.

I love sex and have an above average sex drive, but nature is against me. AIBU to think I need to give up the thought of a sexlife outside the procreational realm? I have 4 kids and no desire for more but can't stomach the finality of sterilization. Partner is scared of going under the knife (and tbh why should he have to when, as I said above, most women wouldn't need him to?)

Feeling really, really, sad and fed up :(

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 15/07/2018 22:19

DH and I have used condoms in the 10-odd years we have been together. Only time we didn't was to TTC and during pregnancy. Had 2 times where the MAP was needed.

I can't use other contraception and sterilisation is not an option right now. It's not ideal but it's not a massive deal either.

Popc0rn · 15/07/2018 22:27

Tbf I wouldn't be keen on using condoms again - I'd be lost without my pill! Grin

Though when I first started taking it, my moods were up and down and I got a lot of spots on my chin. It settled down after a few months and I wouldn't be without it now, but hated it at first.

I wouldn't recommend you try the implant or injection because once the hormones are in they're there til they wear off.

Candlerow2018 · 15/07/2018 22:28

Why are you so preoccupied with making sure contraception doesn't inconvenience your partner, OP? You come across as desperate to make sure your partner isn't in the slightest bit hindered by your contraceptive choices whilst being prepared to put your own body through various tests and trials, all of which apparently disagree with you. Contraception is a joint responsibility. You sound as though you think if your partner is inconvenienced in any way at all he will...what? Leave you? Stop sleeping with you? Throw his toys out of the pram? Your value as a woman and your sexual desirability is not solely contingent on taking on all of the burden of contraception. I honestly can't believe anyone thinks like that, how ridiculous.

Put your body first and if you genuinely believe none of the methods you mention work for you, then your partner needs to either put up with a life of sex with condoms or get the snip. FWIW the procedure can be reversed, though it sounds very unlikely that you will ever need to do so.

There is nothing more attractive that a woman who respects and looks after her own body. Stop pandering to a lazy man who wants all the fun of sex but none of the responsibly.

Candlerow2018 · 15/07/2018 22:29

*responsibility

SusanChurchouse · 15/07/2018 22:32

If I were you I’d get to know your cycle using an app to find out when you ovulate. That way you could compromise and only use condoms during your fertile period (and a couple of days either side) so about half the time.

I don’t get the condom hate either. I react badly to hormones so have pretty much had to use them exclusively aside from TTC. Not a huge issue and I’ve never had an accidental pregnancy in 20 years. DH will prob go for snip soon but surgery not an option now.

BlingLoving · 15/07/2018 22:33

I don't like condoms but other options are off the table for me and so we both suck it up. Sterilisation is obvious choice - but I refuse on the basis that I have used hormonal contraceptives for years, went through fertility treatment, 2 pregnancies, one extremely traumatic vaginal birth and one emergency c section. I am done putting my body through that shit.

DH refuses to have the snip. Fine. ... Condoms it is.

It's it entirely up to you and after 4 children if he doesn't want to be sterilized he needs to be ok with condoms.

HappyHedgehog247 · 15/07/2018 22:33

I know men who will use condoms permanently.

You may want to check out natural cycles.

HappyHedgehog247 · 15/07/2018 22:34

The app I mean, not just trying naturally without the full data

wineandcatsandlego · 15/07/2018 22:37

I use the Evra patch, as can't be trusted to take tablets every day, hate the thought of being injected with a hormone with no indicator of how my body will react until it's too late, and I've had 3 friends who all had a bad time with the coil so was completelt scared off that. Patch is great, only issue is if going swimming

Emma765 · 15/07/2018 22:37

I'm exactly the same as you.

Injection - huge weight gain, awful moods, acne
Implant - made me very depressed, weight gain, total loss of libido
Cooper coil - horrendous pains, very very heavy bleeding
Dianette - very upset stomach
Every other pill I've tried - low mood/acne/you name it.

Settled on the diaphragm however, talk about passion killer! You can have it in for some time before if you know it's on the cards though. Decided no more hormones so copper coil was my last permanent option but was probably the worst.

ICJump · 15/07/2018 22:41

My OH and I use condoms. Have done for 12 years. It’s no biggy really.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/07/2018 22:41

Why are condoms not sustainable long term?
They are only a buzzkill if you make them one. Stop buying into men's stupid excuses for not wearing them.
You could also not have PIV sex. There's oral, mutual masturbation, toys etc. There's no requirement to do the one act that risks pregnancy.
I think both those options are great compared to writing off sexual relationships.

BarbarianMum · 15/07/2018 22:44

"What man would use condoms indefinitely?"

Well any man who wants sex with me indefinitely if they weren't prepared to the snip.

itsbetterthanabox · 15/07/2018 22:46

If a man refused to use condoms I would not have sex with him.
Why is anyone letting them get away with pulling this shit?
If using a condom 'ruins it' then there clearly wasn't enough desire there in the first place!

FaultySpice · 15/07/2018 22:50

After you've carried and birthed four babies, surely it is your partner's turn to take contraceptive measures, i.e. snip?!

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 15/07/2018 22:57

We have used condoms for 8 years, no unplanned pregnancy’s ever! And when we decide to stop having kids we’ve already agreed he’ll have the snip. I think you’re being ridiculous quite frankly! You have options, you just don’t like them.

MorningsEleven · 15/07/2018 23:12

What man will use condoms every day for life?

One who isn't a dickhead.

ifoundthebread · 15/07/2018 23:20

Just to chime in about the copper Coil - look up copper intoxication! It's a real thing. I suffered worse on that than contraception with hormones.

faeriequeen · 15/07/2018 23:27

What's the problem with condoms?!

seven201 · 16/07/2018 08:03

I don't get on with the pill. Not tried a coil or anything else. Condoms aren't very sexy but they do the job. I don't see it as the woman's job to sort contraception. My dh has never tried to suggest I find other contraception.

claraschu · 16/07/2018 08:08

There are other barrier methods!!!!

Cervical cap is great, as I wrote above. Doctors push the hormonal methods as they don't trust women to use the cap or diaphragm consistently and effectively.

Use the cap or diaphragm and be aware of ovulation, so either abstain when you are at your most fertile, or double up with a condom.

RailReplacementBusService · 16/07/2018 08:09

Op I worry about your view that contraceptives have to be only your problem. If there are no other alternatives then your partner has the choice on condoms or the snip.

If your cycle is very regular then you may be able to keep condom use down to say a week a year.

RailReplacementBusService · 16/07/2018 08:09

*week a month

TakeMeToKernow · 16/07/2018 08:16

I hear you, OP. Condoms suck.

I’ve been through pills, patches, the implant and I’m now happy with the mirena (and I’m trying to dissuade a friend from the copper coil having heard other stories like yours).

Well, i was happy with mirena until PookieDo ShockConfusedEnvy

ShatnersWig · 16/07/2018 08:24

After you've carried and birthed four babies, surely it is your partner's turn to take contraceptive measures, i.e. snip?!

How do we know the OP's husband has a problem with using condoms? The OP merely says they are a buzzkill and what bloke would use them indefinitely?

Well, this bloke would, because I wouldn't have the snip. My body, my choice, and as I know two people who had horrendous long-term complications after a vasectomy (you do know at least 10% have chronic long-term pain after it, although research suggests it's more like 15-20% long term pain or serious complications - which can of course completely kill your sex life, which the OP would, I suspect not be happy with). People really shouldn't just minimise a vasectomy as a snip and nothing major. I wouldn't minimise female sterilisation as any surgery has a risk and people don't read up enough on these things.

If he won't have a vasectomy, that's his perfectly acceptable choice. If he doesn't want to use condoms until all chance of OP having a baby is gone and expects the OP to sort it out, well, he's a wanker. If it's the OP who doesn't want to use condoms but her husband wouldn't have a problem, then that's another discussion!