Baby not sleeping husband stropping

[confusedmummy90]

So it's gone 9 my little boy co sleeps and still boobs to sleep every night still won't self settle no matter what I have tried he's 10months DH has had a complete hissy fit as he's still awake and says he wants adult time and that he's almost a year this is ridiculous 🙄I can see what he's saying but I just think my ds won't be like this for ever Aibu to just tell him to get a grip

Does your DH get any say in how the two of you parent? It reads very much that this is how you do things, and he has to suck it up. If that is the case I can see why he is stroppy. Surely it at least warrants a conversation between you about how you can keep everyone happy.

@ElspethFlashman if you don't believe in sleep training how did you get you kids to stay in their cots from 7pm? Genuine question, not goady. Or were you just one of those lucky ones whose kids didn't mind being in their cot and didn't scream the place down? Looking for tips for this one as I agree that you need time without baby! Never acheived it with DS though!

Agree with dh

You have a baby op but your husband is saying loud and clear he feels your neglecting the marriage a bit and you need to do somthing

The first few years can prove fatal for couples with new babies due to this very issue

I can see your DH’s point, tbh. Presumably at 10 months, your DS has a bedtime routine that doesn’t start at 9 pm, and has his own cot to be put to bed in. So what’s your routine? Is it the same each night, so it becomes really familiar to DS? Which bits of it do you do and which bits does your DH do? Can your DH do the final “putting him in the cot” bit after you’ve fed him, so that being put to bed is clearly separated from the idea of mum and milk?

You say DS won’t be like this forever, but unless you start getting him into a good bedtime routine, and learning how to self-settle, he could be like it for a good many years, rather thn months.

Oh and like others - “boob to sleep”? Really? 🙄

Although I think being stroppy is annoying, I think your DH has a point. At some point you are going to have to break the cycle, and whenever you attempt to do so is going to be hard. So when will be "the right time"? At the moment your DH can't help at all, as you are breast feeding him to sleep. Is there an element of you enjoying this bond/time and you don't want to stop it? Not a criticism, just a query.

This whole process has to involve both of you. Not just what DH wants, not just what you want. You are both his parents, you are partners in a relationship- has to work for you both (and DS). So sit down and speak to him, work out a mutually agreeable way forward.

Well then. Your husband will need to sleep train him himself. There is no way he will let you settle him to sleep with the milk there on offer. So he needs to let you sleep in another room while he changes the routine.

My lo co slept and bf until 3. He suddenly stopped, suddenly went into his own bed and suddenly slept trough. He is a very happy confident little chap because ultimately he knows when he needed me I was there.

I personally don’t believe in sleep training. The easiest way would be for your husband to sleep in a separate room.

My husband did struggle at times but I have to say he was pretty happy that I took on all the lion share of the night care. I don’t think your husband values what a great job you are doing.

Well done op. It does get easier. It doesn’t last forever. Enjoy that special time while you have it. I miss it now.

You say DS won’t be like this forever, but unless you start getting him into a good bedtime routine, and learning how to self-settle, he could be like it for a good many years, rather thn months.

Oh and like others - “boob to sleep”? Really? 🙄

This with bells on my friends child is 3 was co slept with and hasn’t suddenly decided to sleep in his own bed and it’s really taken a toll but he’s been used to it for 3 years better to start now

From the very first day out of hospital my 4 were all bathed at 6 milk at 7 and in cots by 7.30 with a story....even a newborn I read to ...even when it was difficult I stuck to the routine,perhaps a justing it slightly time wise in the hotter months ,they had fans and black out blinds ,and I read them to sleep...cat in the hat seemed to send them off the quickest...it worked because I stuck to it ,and because I had 3 kids under 3 so I would of gone mad with out my evening to myself..good luck op hope you get sorted 💐

I don’t think the husband should sleep in the spare room! Ten months is plenty old enough to try a gentle form of sleep training. Stop feeding him to sleep.

OP so you're doing everything that you can reasonably to settle your less than one year old son to sleep in a non distressing sleep training cc/cio manner... And your husband has thrown a paddy at you because the baby is failing to meet his expectations? ... So why are previous posters being so immature and being downright nasty to the OP - oh because men need "attention" in a marriage? Well my dp and I have a child who needs reassurance to settle off and whilst, yes, it's wearying, we're in it together because we're both parents with reasonable expectations and not immature and stroppy. So OP YANBU.

Baby’s don’t need to learn to self settle. Ffs. Biologically children are not designed to sleep through until 3-5 years.

Comforting your baby to sleep is the best thing for thier development. Whether that’s a boob a bottle a cuddle or a pat. Follow your baby’s lead.

My child can get himself off to sleep perfectly well having spent years feeding to sleep. He needed the comfort and I was happy to give him that. It’s not for everyone but it’s certainly not ‘wrong’.

wellthisisunexpected I found that there was a point at around 9/10 weeks when they began getting stroppy at around 7. Before that they'd been in the living room with us till the 10.30pm feed, but we realised with DS that the light was bothering him after the 7pm feed.

So I started feeding him up in the dark at 7pm and then putting him in his cot and leaving the room as he conked out on the boob. And then I went to bed after the 10.30/11pm feed.

We had to buy a video camera literally overnight!

But after that we just stuck to that. I suppose they never knew any different.

But by God that time between 7 and 10.30 helped a lot, particularly as I had PND with DD. I really needed to switch off, even if the video monitor was at my elbow. I was so touched out.

That said, I had fairly fast feeders. Neither fed longer than about 20 mins. I also used a dummy from Day One, so I was never used as purely comfort. They were happy with the dummy and I could leave.

I went to bed with DS every night for 16 months. He fed to sleep, couldn't self
soothe, would wake every hour to check I was still there. He would refuse to sleep unti on some nights, 10, 11, 12pm. My relationship with my husband suffered. That's my experience. There's meeting your baby's needs, and neglecting your own. Ypu must fancy some time to yourself (a bath, a glass of wine watching TV etc) Iwas on my arse knackered, it's exhausting. I should have done sleep training earlier.

There's plenty of gentle sleep training methods. Pick up put down, shush pat, gradual retreat.

What it comes down to, if you are happy with the way things are, carry on. If you'd like them to change, there are lots of methods available to try.

Your DH should not expect a previously fed and then cuddled to sleep baby to just go in a cot and be fine with it. He's being a knob. He needs to adjust his expectations hugely.

I clearly remember the first evening we got DS1 into bed and quiet by 7:30 - he was 3.5, and neither of us really knew what to do with ourselves (we'd nearly got there 6 months before, but DS1 got ill and started sleeping with us again).

Sometimes it happens. In a loving relationship, you work together - DP would have got short shrift if he expected me to solve all problems, or to do things that DS1 wasn't ready for.

If it helps, DS2 was in the room with his brother, tucked up in bed at 7:30 by the time he was 10 months - because he was a different kid, and he had a brother to go to, and he didn't get hungry in the night, or want to feed to sleep.

Your DH shouldn't be such a twat about it, but he does have a point.
You should have a better routine established at 10 months.

The baby is not the boss - you are.
You should get into a good routine where the baby is asleep by 7pm so you can have some time to yourself each evening.

Around 10 months my son went into his own room, we had already started having my partner give him a bottle before bed, this can be expressed if you don’t want to give formula although we combi fed from 6 months with no issues. I still breastfed in the night till he was one but having my partner do that initial bedtime really helped.

Tbh I think when we breastfeed we can end up doing everything but the reality is that apart from feeding your husband can be helping with everything else and then he can get a bloody strop on with himself when your child is still awake past 7.

OP just to say that - slightly different situation but - I had a bottle refusing baby and I would have smacked people in the face who smugly told me I needed to get more of a routine/sleep train my DS at 10 months. Just so smug and unhelpful. I know some babies just don’t like being in their cot/ doing things by the book.

My advice would be to keep the bf up but to maybe relocate into your baby’s room and feed to sleep on a big comfy chair next to cot. Just to get them used to the idea of being somewhere else. You can take it from there.

Your dh should book a babysitter so you guys can go out once a week - your baby won’t be harmed from having a non standard bedtime whilst you’re not there. In the meantime he needs to grit his teeth and hang on for a couple of months - things will change (and hopefully for the better!).

You’re doing a great job

*I've never been less attracted to my DH than when he gets sulky or stroppy, dries me right up tbh.

You could start weaning him off the breast if you wanted to.*

I don’t really think pages of what posters did regards bedtime routine is relevant but what is relevant is that your dh is telling you he isn’t on the same page and things need to move on.

I have to say my sympathy is with your dh. 10 months old imo is way old enough to self sooth, doesn’t need BF to sleep and needs his own cot in his own room but that’s just me and dh would sgree.

I think you need to take into account your whole family dynamics op.

It's completely pointless to say "well I managed to get my kids in bed without sleep training". Of course some babies will settle like that with a sensible bed time routine etc. Many won't so your options are to comfort them to sleep or leave them alone in distress to scream.

No sleep training is fantastic and doesn’t involve leaving kids to scream alone in distress?? I did it with all my 6 children and it probably saved my sanity with my non sleeping ds1.. I just continued it with all the rest and mine were generally in their cots 7pm to 7 am. Aged from around 8 months

It does involve doing a strict routine and you both have to be on board and of course not everyone wants or needs to do it but it worked for us.

Seasawride

I definitely believe you that you managed it but it just isn't possible with all babies.

He's almost 3 and has never gone to bed before 9 not something to be proud of, really. How will it work when you have to wake him up at 7am for school?

Our DS is just 2 and has fed to sleep since birth. Evening time has been up and down depending on weather, developmental stage etc (there's a developmental leap at 9/10 months that often brings about sleep changes and hella separation anxiety if I remember correctly). I think one of the most valuable pieces of advice I ever got was that child development isn't linear - they'll sleep or eat amazingly and you'll reckon you've cracked it, only for it all to go tits up at the next brain explosion. I was going out of my nut for adult time at This stage but it eventually passed and I do think we are all happier for having done it this way, ultimately.

What do you want, OP? We know what your DH wants.

It is biologically normal to be breastfeeding your baby to sleep at 10 months. It is culturally normal to see the evenings as adult time.