Baby not sleeping husband stropping

[confusedmummy90]

So it's gone 9 my little boy co sleeps and still boobs to sleep every night still won't self settle no matter what I have tried he's 10months DH has had a complete hissy fit as he's still awake and says he wants adult time and that he's almost a year this is ridiculous 🙄I can see what he's saying but I just think my ds won't be like this for ever Aibu to just tell him to get a grip

I wouldn’t advocate sleep training, how are they gentle? However, if your husband wants to attempt to take over the bedtime routine I’d let him. He needs to feed to sleep because you are here. DS was fed to sleep but on the occasions I wasn’t available he would be cuddled to sleep by whomever was available. He needs to realise that not all children sleep well and it’s nothing to do with parenting.

If DH wants to make a change he needs to stop stropping and have an adult conversation about it. Has he got any suggestions about how the two of you could work together and support each other to introduce some changes?

Feeding to sleep is not a problem when the baby is only 10mts old.
However is your routine that baby stays up with you until you go to bed? Or you go to bed when baby does?

I’d consider adjusting baby’s bedtime so that you can settle him to sleep (with a feed) and then have some time just you and DH before going to bed

Every child is different, it doesn't matter what anyone else's experience is.
My partner can be as unreasonable as anyone else's but I will say that when it comes to bedtimes with the children he's appreciative of the fact that he's never had to do a night feed or deal with the work that breastfeeding is!
If your partner wants a different routine maybe let him try for a few nights. Maybe he will have great success or maybe he will realise that you're doing the best you can and try being more supportive.
Yes, partners need time together but babies care very little about that

I couldn’t read past boob to sleep

Your DH sounds resentful.
What is he like with your child more generally?

That makes it impossible for him to share the load then or understand how it is trying to settle the baby.

Well no, evidently he can share the load by not being a whiney little child about it!

I still feed my 10 month old to sleep (because lying down for 20 mins looking at my phone is preferable to an hour rocking and cajoling) and it isn’t unusual to be doing it at 9pm. My DP uses the time to clean the kitchen, then when I emerge we can have a small but dedicated slice of quality adult time —Netflix—

OP, I’d invite your DP to have an adult conversation about working out a bedtime routine that works for everyone. But if he carries on just standing in front of you feeding your baby and complaining about it? Send him to the corner to think about his behaviour - that’s how toddler tantrums are treated in my house

I agree with your DH! 10 months is a bloody long time not to have an evening. I managed 10 weeks before I started working on getting baby to bed before 7. Your relationship will suffer hugely if you don’t try to fix this but your DH needs to come up with some strategies too. It’s fine if it works for all of you but it clearly doesn’t. I don’t think the feeding to sleep thing is a huge issue (but will become so), it’s more the time they go to sleep. I don’t know any babies that age that are awake at 10pm!

I would not start weaning your baby off being breastfed as a PP advised.

If there were other reasons to wean, perhaps, but just because your husband wants adult time in the evenings is not a good reason to start weaning at 9months.

I’m firmly in the “your DH is being unreasonable” camp. Your baby is 9 months old for crying out loud. Tell him seriously to just have a think about it before he pushes anything onto you. Being a breastfeeding mum is stressful enough in itself.

Good luck OP. Xx

I have no problem with feeding to sleep at 10 months.

I would have lost my damn mind though if the baby was still awake at 9/10 every night at that age.

It's a recipe for depression. No question in my mind. You 100% need at least 2 hours a day without the baby.

So I can see your DHs point. A 10 month old is not a newborn and shouldn't be treated as such.

I don't believe in sleep training that much - neither of mine slept through till 18 months no matter what I did - but I do believe in getting them up to bed by 7/8I believe it is important for the mothers mental health to be able to sit downstairs with a glass of wine and some adult banter.

Oh and I don’t think your relationship will suffer because you’re taking time to look after you and your husband’s 9 month old baby, as the poster before me said. What a ridiculous statement.

I'm torn. Yes, some children take longer to learn to sleep than others. My firstborn slept through from 10 weeks. My second was a different story altogether and sleep training was necessary.

How are you sleeping, OP? By 6 months my second was wriggling around so much that I needed to have them sleep in a cot for the sake of my own sanity.

I got them used to the cot through day time naps before I transferred them to the cot in the night. Breast feeding gave way to bottle feeding before bed (and water only in the night - it took about a week for night feeds to completely stop), which then became rocking to sleep, later just cuddling for a while before putting them down and then sitting with them. I admit I used a dummy to soothe; it gave me my sanity back after it became clear that my boobs were more comfort than anything.

By 14 months they could be put to bed and left straight away. I leave a night light on as I found that they get scared in complete darkness.

OP, the difference it has made to my life and my relationship is unbelievable. I am far more relaxed and we have grown closer again as a couple.

Taking the long view with regard to sleep is important. Sleep needs to be learned if children are not naturally good at it, just like riding a bike, using a knife and saying please and thank you. It can also be done without much crying.

I breastfed my son until he was nearly a year and a half, but he was in his own room by 9 months. I would feed him then put him in his cot. We did have to do controlled crying but after three horrible nights, he would feed then go to sleep on his own. He woke once a night for a feed until I stopped breastfeeding.

I fell into this trap with DS1, he was BF too. I would get him to sleep, the moment I moved from the bed he would wake up! So I was always in bed early, DH downstairs watching tv.

I waited until DS was 8-9 mths, picked a weekend that would be ideal to start controlled crying, expected big problems and lots of tears, his and mine, but it was absolutely fine, he cried for a minute or so went to sleep, and no further problems after that.

I hope you get some quality time back with DH soon, you need it too as much as you adore your baby.

Your dh is correct. Although yes stroppy. You need to have a better bedtime routine in place at ten months. He should not be awake at ten pm!

Have you trued feeding him at 7pm then handing him over to your dh to settle him?

We had a baby that was very hard to settle. He had reflux and would only go to sleep on me or being jiggled by DH. We did usually get him down before 10 but it certainly wasn't a case of chucking him in a cot at 7pm and getting on with our lives. If you have a baby like that, be very grateful!!! I also breastfed to sleep as it was his comfort (I also see nothing wrong with the phrase 'boob to sleep', it's got less syllables, you're tired, say whatever you want).

10 months in is HARD. We had a sleep regression then (although we'd never really had much of a sleep progression), and he would wake up at 1am and be awake for up to 2 hours! We were both exhausted. By then people's sympathy for your non-sleeping child has waned and they tell you to sleep train them. We tried controlled crying and he vomited with crying within a minute. Couldn't do any more.

What I'm waffling on about is that I get it from both sides. You're shattered. This baby has taken over your lives and by now you thought your lives would be in some kind of new normality and you could actually do grown up things. Your partner misses you and just hanging out together. He's not exactly expressing himself well but he's shattered too (although I'm guessing doesn't get up as much in the night if you're bfing).

Even if it means shutting the curtains at 5pm in July and keeping lights low etc to try and get the baby to sleep a bit earlier, it's worth it so you can both feel more human again and be able to make time for each other. We also found weekend naptime a good time for 'adult time' and would often jump in bed ourselves for a bit. More energy then too . But obviously you want to do other things too.

DS is 2.5 now and doesn't bf any more but still can take a while to get through bedtime and go to sleep. It's often nearly 9pm when I finally get downstairs. He only naps sometimes too. Whatever those books and charts and the people who's babies sleep 12 hours a night and 2 in the day til they're 4, some babies just don't seem to need as much sleep! Really hoping the next one is a sleeper, I feel we're owed it!!

I can see it from both sides, but time with your DH is important. Could you try and fit in another time of day to spend with your husband. Ten months is a long time.

Same problem here. I feel for you. My baby feeds to sleep and as a result I have to take him to bed at around 7pm every night. It’s hard. But on the other hand at least baby sleeps through. I think it’s more important for everyone to get sleep to be honest. As you breast feed and co sleep I would imagine that your husband hasn’t had to experience much in the way of sleep deprivation. I would ask him what he would prefer - sleep deprivation or a few hours adult time on the evening. I’ve got the same problem and it’s hard going through this with no support.

YABVVVVU to use the term 'boob to sleep' 🤢 But not about your DH, who sounds childish and unsupportive. Surely he knows this stage won't last forever?!

Dubious Of course the set up has to work for everyone, but just being stroppy about it is helping no one. If he wants things to change he should be discussing solutions with the OP.
I may be wrong but I got the impression he was just moaning at the OP rather than helping.

He sounds UR to me but I know to some people adult time is important. My 13mo is still quite an iffy sleeper (not as bad as he used to be - we did see a huge improvement in the couple of weeks before his bday so hopefully you will get the same). I also co-sleep and it's quite nice as at bedtime we all go up together - DH lays on the bed with us and has cuddles and a story with DS, then once DS is asleep we can come back downstairs. Or if DS is being tricky, DH helps settle him (bouncing him, more cuddles, or sometimes encouraging me to ignore whinging when it's clear nothing is really wrong when he's not full on crying) and it is really nice having that input as I don't feel like it's all on me to get the baby to bed! Could you maybe try a joint approach?

Is he your DH son? Only you say "my little boy".

At ten months you might want to consider your marriage as well as your child. Up to you but a ten month old doesn’t need feeding to sleep and can quickly learn to settle themselves. Makes life easier for everyone.

I feel for you, it’s easy for people to say get a bedtime routine, put baby to bed earlier, don’t feed to sleep but I expect you have tried all these options (as have I) and they either result in a lot of howling every night or just a very long bedtime routine. In my case if I start at 7ish I’m still trying to get him to sleep at nine
As others have said use nap time in the day for adult time. Or if your baby will go to someone else in the evening maybe a babysitter or relative will play with them until bed time and you can go out for a few hours. But your partner needs to accept some babies don’t sleep and not huff.

I gave a bedtime breastfeed/generally fed to sleep until age 2.5, but my DS was settled in his basket/cot from age three months, at least for the first shift of the night, and was sleeping through well before that. There's certainly no need to wean from the breast completely or even stop feeding to sleep - you just have to get baby used to sleeping without you physically there.

I agree with those who say your DH has gone about it poorly, but he has a point. I was willing to sacrifice evenings for the first few months, but not forever - and when my tiny baby has grown DH and I will be what's left and need to still have a relationship.

I'd try a gentle method of settling him in his cot at least until you come to bed. You can search for "gentle sleep training" or look into Jay Gordon or Elizabeth Pantley approaches.