DP snooped and found porn in my search history

[ChocolateTopping]

6 months pregnant. DP won't have sex with me because he feels uncomfortable with it. Totally understand and happy with this as we've always had a good sex life and he makes me feel beautiful in lots of other ways. Thing is, since being pregnant my sex drive hasn't decreased. It's not massive like some people either but it's there.

I've started watching a bit of porn. Not excessively, but maybe once or twice a week when I'm in the mood. Nothing weird, I use a site specifically for women, and watch pretty vanilla videos. Nothing that would raise an eyebrow.

DP found the history on my laptop and has kicked off. He does use it but I have a feeling he was snooping. Told me it is disrespectful and that he thinks it is wrong to watch porn whilst pregnant. Thinks he is not good enough and thinks I am being utterly awful in watching this whilst pregnant. I know he watches porn occasionally and it doesn't bother me. We had an argument as this is a massive double standard and it's clearly brought out an insecurity that I didn't know about.

So. AIBU to think that it's ok for me to watch porn whilst pregnant, and that HIBU to not have sex with me, but still be upset with me watching porn (even when he occasionally watches himself)?

We don't usually argue but he's tried to make me feel bad and like I've been sneaky by watching porn whilst he is at work and I'm home on my own. Never thought it was a big deal but clearly to him it is...

I know, I mean god forbid a woman and even a pregnant woman might watch porn

I think you sound very understanding about his reluctance to have sex while pregnant and very respectful of his feelings, I imagine that must make it even more hurtful when he apparently doesn't give a toss about how he makes you feel. I really think he is acting awfully ignoring you in your own home because of what you do with your own body, I really can't believe the double standards of him

So what's your problem then Alpha?

Porn isn't Good. But we're not discussing the morality of porn .

He's a massive hypocrite if he watches it.

He's also a complete controlling arsehole if he decides you're not good enough to have sex with while pregnant with his child but allows himself to watch porn. He just thinks you should be lonely while he wanks to other women.

As for porn while pregnant WTF? Does he think it will get to the baby via the placenta? Tell him to fuck off. Arsehole.

inspace I don't think Alpha can even answer that one!

The fact he thinks you can’t have sex while your pregnant (what will he be like when he has children in the house? They don’t just stay in bed you know- my DPs brother who is 3 has walked in on us 2 or 3 times)

Do you live with your dh's parents and if so why aren't you locking your dh's brother out?! Aren't they annoyed their child keeps seeing you have sex? Lock the door.

metoodear don't generalise. When women post threads about catching their other halves watching porn, I give exactly the same opinion, as do a lot of other posters. I.e., watching porn does not mean you are disgusting, depraved or cheating, and lots of women enjoy it too. Which is the truth.

The fact he thinks you can’t have sex while your pregnant (what will he be like when he has children in the house? They don’t just stay in bed you know- my DPs brother who is 3 has walked in on us 2 or 3 times)

Entirely different issue. He has a DD who lives with us 50% of the time. We have sex when she's in the house. Never been an issue. He doesn't like that he's inches away from a baby, it's nothing to do with me being a mum or having kids in the house.

This would have driven me crazy!

At the beginning of my first pregnancy, my dh did have worries about sex and harming the baby.

My dh was concerned at first, that baby would see his penis and it would be traumatising that a blunt object was repeatedly going towards the baby. He was also grossed out by the idea of ejaculating on the baby.

I got my pregnancy books out and explained the anatomy, the fact that whilst pregnant there is a plug of mucus in the cervix, cutting baby off from the lower part of my anatomy. I also explained how the baby was protected by the amniotic sac and that baby couldn’t see anything until x week of pregnancy.

Could your dh need an anatomy lesson?

Once dh realised that we would not be hurting/ traumatising/ endangering our baby he was much more open to having sex. Thank goodness too, as pregnancy hormones can fairly play havoc with your sex drive!

caledonian

Holy crap. Was your Dp like 12 when you met or what? By that reckoning you could basically lay back with your legs open and he could peer in at the baby.

he's being a ridiculous hypocrite. have you said that to him as bluntly as that? and what was his response?

its fine he doesn't want sex during pregnancy, its a very common thing for lots of people. I personally didn't as a woman as my sex drive just fell through the floor. but its not ok to tell you what you are allowed to watch even more so when he does it too!

caledonian I don't think DP is concerned that baby can actually see his penis (I would be worried about his understanding of anatomy if he thought this!), it's more a weird psychological worry that the baby knows we are having sex or that I'm, ahem, masturbating... I don't get it. I came round to the lack of sex but it's the masturbation worry that gets me...

owl exactly! If he didn't watch porn himself for example because he had a real issue with the industry then I could maybe accept that he felt strongly about it and didn't want me to watch it. But he watches it himself!

I'm sure there's some research that orgasms are good for the baby (something to do with blood flow) if you have a google!

I understand masturbating is good for pregnant women cos orgasm strengthens the uterus and is a kind of hint to the foetus as to what's ahead!

Your DH is being a cock.

OP your dh hasn't got a much better understanding of anatomy if he thiks your baby has any idea what's happening if you watch porn though.

I think you should bring it up at your next appointment.

After the doctor has stopped laughing maybe DH will stfu and mind his own business.

Time to write him a good long list of all the advantages of sex (especially your orgasm) for the baby. There’s a good collection in this thread for starters. Underline heavily that the damage he is doing to his bond with you is serious and worrying. The snooping, the controlling, the hypocrisy, the getting upset. Which hormones would he rather the baby was subject to? Waves of happy, relaxing pair-bonding ones, or the awful stress ones?

While you’re at it, let him know his actions are on the list of red flags in pregnancy partners. Because they are. Ask him to look into it, and honestly examine his motives. For the baby’s sake. Any decent man would be shocked into action (and apology) to find his thoughts have aligned with known red flags.

Lol Friend of Scarecrow, nope he is four years older than me and actually an intelligent man! He was 25 when we met and 29 when our ds was born. He learned absolutely nothing about female anatomy growing up, he actually dropped a corker at the time of my first pregnancy, we were discussing anatomy, particularly catheter related. He had no idea that the urethra was separate and had assumed that women pee out of their vagina! He was mortified when I corrected him!

He has got very up close and personal with my anatomy and has always been a very generous lover. He does however take his glasses off for sex and is blind as a bat without them! So perhaps his eyesight prevented him from realising that female anatomy is very different from his pre perceived knowledge/ ideas.

In DH’s defence, he had zero education about female anatomy growing up! I think it was a case of an idea sticking in his head as a child and it not being challenged until I was pregnant. From research at the time, it is pretty common for men to worry about distressing/ hurting the baby during sex.

He's either extremely intellectually challenged like Caledonians husband, or he's just a controlling sexist pig.

Hypocrisy is never attractive. I would be tempted to tell him that if you can't get off, he can't either. However, as this would concede that his opinion of your sexuality was at all relevant, just tell him to stuff it.

He's refusing to have sex with you for NONE LONG MONTHS? and god knows how long after the birth this sex ban will carry on for.

I think you're being very very very UNREASONABLE to only be watching porn. I would seriously be considering having an affair by now with the hormones and all.

YANBU

Sounds likes he's spooked by the idea of mothers being sexual beings. Madonna/whore thing, which is quite common.

Nip this in the bud, OP. Make it very clear that you are a sexual being, mother or not, Or soon he'll be saying that you can't kiss your children if you suck his cock and things like that.

I know we have been forbidden from discussing the morality of the porn industry but, OP, I live in a country where young girls are being kidnapped on a daily basis to feed prostitution and the porn industry. If you have a baby girl you might start to have a bit of empathy.

I have absolutely nothing against written pornography.

As for your husband, he wouldn't be my type.

Oh Dear ChocolateTopping!

I am exactly 40 weeks pregnant today. Me and my DH had sex twice. It's so important. The seman contains prosteglandins and the orgasm, skin-on-skin time produces oxytocin. The prostaglandins soften and ripen the cervix so that our DS can make his appearance. The orgasm strengthens my uterus, but also gives DS something to "push against" as he wiggles into the optimal position for his descent. The oxytocin triggers labor. It actually causes the uterus to contract. Sex, that same sex that put that little bean inside your belly, is a big part of getting it out again in a positive and loving way.

Your DH is WRONG. He is so, so, so, so wrong. All the posters that want you to get help see that this could be a red flag - especially for a woman as confident, comfortable and intelligent as you. Do you need intervention? Probably not - but your DH needs to change his thinking. This isn't just about you (although you are the MOST important person at the table.)

DH has a daughter - this shame about healthy, family intimacy is something she will learn from him. You and DH are about to have a NEW PERSON! You don't want this new person to carry over DH's irrational, misogynistic, and factually inaccurate beliefs. You don't. Donald Trump was in London today. This is where those Drumps come from. Beautiful, intelligent, and powerful women "humoring" bullshit theories like your DH's. He simply has to see the light.

Sex during pregnancy is CORRECT. Other people may opt out, but the healthiest pregnancies include lots and lots of orgasms, penetration, non-penetrative sex, oral sex, touching. You are making a person. You have responded to so many persons on this thread with whit, patience, and wisdom.

DH IS being a hypocrite. He is also being ignorant. You are clearly too smart to be in an abusive relationship, but there HAS to be a method by which you can offer this man a chance for redemption. He is wrong, and he is MEAN in his wrongness - which is worse. Please keep us posted! I am interested to hear how this resolves.

Now, I'm going to take my very preggers self and go have sex with my husband. My husband sometimes gets a little self conscious about the "third person" in the room - but he looks in my eyes and we seize these little moments that we have left where we are only two. We love each other. We want to please and pleasure each other, and for just the next few days we are only two.