*Trigger warning - suicide* - to ask you, honestly, how common suicidal thoughts really are?

[thisisannc]

I'm currently planning my wedding to the most wonderful man - I truly feel some happiness every day that I found a partner as great for me as he is. Yet, I realised tonight that when I really think about my own future, I've always assumed I'd take my own life in the near future. It's always seemed like my 'destiny'. I feel terrible, obviously, because I'm planning a future I really do want, but don't in my heart believe I'll ever have.

I should be clear that I have absolutely no plans to hurt myself imminently - this is a feeling I've had since my early-teens, and I'm 31 now. Throughout my twenties I kept and regularly updated a note (in electronic form), ready for when the time came. I stopped doing this as it felt too self-indulgent.

I just wonder if I'm really that unusual in genuinely seeing no future for myself, despite having a great career, wonderful partner and family, etc.? It's such a triggering/upsetting subject that it would be entirely natural for friends/family to misunderstand and react as if the 'threat' is imminent, so is it the case that a great many people feel as I do but don't talk about it?

If it's at all relevant, I was treated for anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety for most of my mid-late teens, so I do understand I may very well not be normal.

@Storm4star, I think you have summed up how I feel! I've had lots of therapy (albeit a long time ago) and I was medicated with antidepressants and antipsychotics for several years. They helped and pulled me out of the really acute phases of illness I went through, but I'm still wired to want out, for lack of a better way of expressing it. It is almost impossible a subject to bring up, even with somebody like my fiancé who would listen and try to understand. How could anybody hear the person they're planning a life with say that they've always imagined they'll be dead in the next year or so, and not be wounded by that?

Openup41 I had the same from my Dsis, while she was doing a counselling course using choice theory, She insisted people choose to depress, I did read the book Choice Theory, it was interesting and helped but on a dark day it was do far from the truth.

Fuck them.

Would you not try the medication. Your description of how you cope the moods and stress you deal with, ring bells to how I was pre medication. I used to wake up knowing today is going to be a dark day, I must add I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I have lots less bad days and I do not have to constantly fight to keep my head above water.

@Branleuse, thank you for that suggestion. I've never considered that I might have autism/asperger's, but they're conditions I have a very limited (and quite probably incorrect) understanding of. I didn't want this thread to be about me, but I will certainly have a read around the subject.

I've seriously considered it and call that stopped me was the idea of leaving DS behind without me...

I can relate to this, I remember thinking how lucky Amy Winehouse was to be out of this world. I dont think its normal to be jealous of someone so young dying. I have known a lot of people that have ended their own live, the most recent my best friend since the age of who took her life on 28th August. My uncle ended his life in a lucid moment when he realised his dementia was getting worse, so he tookmatters into his own hands, he was in his 70s. My friend lost her 17 year old DD to it when she failed her exams, made worse by ending her life while her mother was at her brothers funeral. My DS teacher ended his life after a very public ending to his career. he was still much loved but he lived for teaching and also suffered form menta health issues (he was doing regularmental health pod casts and there was no sign how he was feeling just before he took it) I actually know more people that have taken there own life than died in other ways. Is that because life is getting harder do you think?

I don't know how common they are but I can sincerely say that I don't have them. On the rare occasion where the topic does rush across my mind, I feel a sense of revulsion and fear.

That said, I am utterly terrified at the idea of dying, probably to an unhealthy level, so there's that.

The thoght of having to work for the next 20 years makes me wonder if death would be prefetable. I have been bullied in virtually evey job ive had and im sick of it...hoping i survive this one!

It crosses my mind now and then. I feel very trapped, I'm fairly useless to this world (except to my kids, I guess) and often feel like it'd be nice for this all just to stop now. My self esteem is so low, I'm shit at my job with no way of making it better, I have no hobbies, no skills, nothing to offer. I think for me it's more just, what is the point of me? I may as well leave now.
I'd never do it, I'm fairly spineless and wouldn't be able to. My mental.health goes up and down and I've definitely had periods of assuming I'd not be around by the end of the year, but I'm not sure I knew how I'd go. I think I assume the world will just expel me for having no use.

I think it's more common than people think.

On a personal level, i have them intermittently. I've had episodes of depression and it's linked tonight. I have never acted on them though.

I'm a mental health nurse and we have to discuss this every day, and honestly a large % of depressed people suffer. We have to look into whether is a plan or intent, e.g. have they considered methods, got their will sorted, written notes, and any "protective factors" ie things that stop them, also any substance misuse making an impulsive act more likely. It all sounds morbid but we have to assess the risk.

Fortunately while many have the thoughts, most people follow it up by saying "I'm not going to do it though. Who'd look after my children/it would upset my parents/the Koran says it's wrong."

Tonight=To that

@fluffythedragonslayer

It crosses my mind now and then. I feel very trapped, I'm fairly useless to this world (except to my kids, I guess) and often feel like it'd be nice for this all just to stop now. My self esteem is so low, I'm shit at my job with no way of making it better, I have no hobbies, no skills, nothing to offer. I think for me it's more just, what is the point of me? I may as well leave now. I'd never do it, I'm fairly spineless and wouldn't be able to. My mental.health goes up and down and I've definitely had periods of assuming I'd not be around by the end of the year, but I'm not sure I knew how I'd go. I think I assume the world will just expel me for having no use.

I share a lot of your thoughts on this, especially the one where you assume you are not going to be around by the end of the year. I am suprised I am the age I am, as I thought I wouldnt make each significant birthday. The thought is there a lot of the time and I use it like a comfort blanket (in a cowardly way as in..."well if things dont get better, I can always help myself out of this situation"...I wont though, I have 3 adult children who I know it would impact on, but the thought is there under the surface as a get out of life card if I need it.

@Spidey66

I think it's more common than people think.

On a personal level, i have them intermittently. I've had episodes of depression and it's linked tonight. I have never acted on them though.

I'm a mental health nurse and we have to discuss this every day, and honestly a large % of depressed people suffer. We have to look into whether is a plan or intent, e.g. have they considered methods, got their will sorted, written notes, and any "protective factors" ie things that stop them, also any substance misuse making an impulsive act more likely. It all sounds morbid but we have to assess the risk.

Fortunately while many have the thoughts, most people follow it up by saying "I'm not going to do it though. Who'd look after my children/it would upset my parents/the Koran says it's wrong."

thats interesting about plans, its only when reading this I realise I have just told my DC where all my savings, pension, shares etc are located, my parents did the same when they became terminally ill.

I didnt even think about why I had done this, I have even started booking my plot near my parents grave. To be honest that was more to do with wanting to be near them so any relatives that want to visit our trees (its a woodland burial) dont have far to walk between them all :)

I am not sucidal today, I dont feel like ending things, but I know that thought will creep in at somepoint, normally when surrounded by people who seems to be having fun and enjoying things, and I am feeling like I cant relate and want to escape from everything and retreat to my room, or even worse.

I totally know what you mean. I have absolutely no intention of living to some grand old ripe age, I have no children or anybody who would be majorly impacted by my death so certainly no guilt to worry about there.

At the moment I'm perfectly happy enjoying my life but am also completely at ease with the fact that one day in the not too distance future I will most likely give nature a little helping hand with seeing me off from this life.

I have never ever said this to anyone, and I can say it almost flippantly, but I think about it all the time - at least once a day for 30+ years I'd say. I'm not depressed or pessimistic, no history of MH issues, my life is good, 2 amazing DC (teens) and I adore my family. But I feel like life is too hard to cope with sometimes in a way that just makes my brain hurt. I know those around me would blame themselves in the 'why didn't she tell us/why didn't I do more' way and I would HATE that. It's not as deep as that, I just feel like I don't contribute enough to warrant being here - everyone would say 'oh of course you do' etc etc and logic tells me that I do, but the voice at the back of my head does, and I suspect always will, say otherwise. I would never want to inflict that kind of pain on my children so I feel it is something I would never actually do.

I think that's why I got angry with Piers Morgan earlier this year. How dare he say MM never had this? It is so, so common, but if you've never been there it's hard to understand or even empathise, especially when its for instance MM and people think ''What does she have to be suicidal about?''

I think there are 2 distinct types of people- those that have suicidal thoughts frequently and those who rarely/never have them.

I think this is probably very true. I have never had suicidal thoughts at all (although I have thought about and occasionally executed on self-harm). Not once.

But a very close friend has had daily thoughts about suicide for most of her adult life. Has had depression at times but the suicidal ideation is almost decoupled from her depression and she has it at times when she is generally happy. She has always said she would never actually act on it and I have no reason to disbelieve her.

TBH I struggle to understand this: even at very low points in my life (I have been depressed at times) I have never thought of taking my own life. It makes me very sad that people I love have, but I don't really profess to understand it.

I think about it most days, since I was about 10 or younger, and find it quite comforting to have as an option.

Maybe a Trigger Warning would be appropriate here.
--------------------
It's very common I think. Maybe not the majority of people but certainly a sizeable amount.

I've always known that I would commit suicide at some point. I'm 40 now and if anything the surprise is that I've not done it already. I had some help ten years ago which enabled me to cope better, my late 20s were a very dark time with numerous half-assed and slightly less half-assed attempts and semi-attempts.

One question my therapist asked was how long had I felt like this. Truth was, as long as I could remember! I mean I don't remember what I felt when I was two, but certainly by five or six I knew I didn't want to live and from about ten was actively planning ways to end things.

It's not only during bouts of severe depression that suicide has been a daily fixation. Even when I am relatively happy I often think about how I will kill myself. Stupid things like eyeing up buildings to see whether they would be tall enough or making a mental note of the optimal time to jump over the barriers and lay down on the level crossing.

I have a very matter-of-fact approach to it most of the time. When I am really down I might be more likely to do something on the spur of the moment, but mostly I am able to look at practical methods and understand their strengths and weaknesses. The main weakness being most methods are unreliable and painful. This is probably not the place for me to discuss the merits and drawbacks of various methods, but suffice to say most methods are much harder and potentially disastrous (painful and/or drawn out and/or likely to cause permanent disability but not be lethal) than people think.

I can't see myself being around in twenty years, but then again in 2001 I wouldn't have expected to be alive at 25, let alone 40.

The thing I think people who don't have this mindset don't realise is that we don't need to be unhappy to consider suicide. Depressed people are more likely to attempt suicide, but wanting control over the way your life ends is quite a rational thing. Many people who would never consider suicide would still take a peaceful and painless death over the alternative.

That's what suicide is, it's the ultimate form of control over one's destiny. It's a way of exercising power over circumstances you can't control.

It's been said that "everyone commits suicide in the end" and I think that's very true. Our deaths are caused to some extent by the choices we make in life, in that if we had made other choices (eating more healthily, quitting a stressful job, not going into a busy location where terrorism is most likely to occur) we would not have died in the exact circumstances we did. Our death is the sum of our choices; but however we make those choices, it will always add up in the end.

I have thoughts of suicide almost daily, sometimes realise that 'today I have not thought of suicide' which feels unusual-I have sometimes got as far as making a plan, but have never acted on any of these- I ind thoughts of suicide strangely comforting, as I know it is in my power/control to act or not. I am certain I will end my own life, unless an accident gets me first.I cant see me making old bones, though I have so far survived to my 60's.

In direct contrast however,I am generally content, peaceful and optimistic in all other respects, and no-one who knows me would ever suspect I have this darker side.

I have always assumed suicidal thoughts are common and normal.

It’s not normal for me. I had a full on breakdown after a late miscarriage 12 years ago and found life almost unbearable but even then I wasn’t suicidal. My DP has had his moments and I think once you’ve gone to that edge once it’s easier to find your way back there again.

I suspect it's fairly common, but to do it continuously over a long term basis seems unusual to me.

I have had suicidal thoughts at particularly bad points in my life, but never acted on them, and currently don't have any at all.

Truthfully I've never ever considered it. Ever.

To give some balance, I have never had suicidal thoughts and have not been depressed. I have had a fairly eventful life with its share of bad things, so I don't know what the reason is. We are all made differently I suppose. There is no explanation. Op

When I hear of someone well known dying my first thought is, I expect they took their life, it seems to be the reason for so many young people who are in the lime light, but its also the same for non celebs.

I do think about suicide frequently.
And I am a pretty happy person. I'm thinking about it as a comfortable option to have. I'm not scared at all of dying.
Its a bit like a life vest on a boat. No way I'd want to use it, but knowing I have the option makes me feel better.