*Trigger warning - suicide* - to ask you, honestly, how common suicidal thoughts really are?

[thisisannc]

I'm currently planning my wedding to the most wonderful man - I truly feel some happiness every day that I found a partner as great for me as he is. Yet, I realised tonight that when I really think about my own future, I've always assumed I'd take my own life in the near future. It's always seemed like my 'destiny'. I feel terrible, obviously, because I'm planning a future I really do want, but don't in my heart believe I'll ever have.

I should be clear that I have absolutely no plans to hurt myself imminently - this is a feeling I've had since my early-teens, and I'm 31 now. Throughout my twenties I kept and regularly updated a note (in electronic form), ready for when the time came. I stopped doing this as it felt too self-indulgent.

I just wonder if I'm really that unusual in genuinely seeing no future for myself, despite having a great career, wonderful partner and family, etc.? It's such a triggering/upsetting subject that it would be entirely natural for friends/family to misunderstand and react as if the 'threat' is imminent, so is it the case that a great many people feel as I do but don't talk about it?

If it's at all relevant, I was treated for anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety for most of my mid-late teens, so I do understand I may very well not be normal.

I don't think the feelings are normal, BUT I don't think they're uncommon either. You sound like you're somewhat describing me, I self harmed, suffered depression, an eating disorder, had a failed suicide attempt.

When things are really tough, I fantasise about killing myself & how I would do it. I think about self harming. They're things I wouldn't do, because I wouldn't put my children through that. But I still think about it, & I long for the days when I was younger & didn't have such ties, so I could do it properly.

I am SO thankful for my children, because it means I'll never do it.

If you feel you can, OP, please talk to someone.

I don’t have suicidal thoughts but have often thought, when times are hectic, that I can’t wait for everything to be still and peaceful.

I work within mental health services, so my view won’t be everyone’s norms, but I think suicidal ideation is common, with intent - less so.

a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day.

never been diagnosed with a mh problem,

never told a soul

Every day, I don't actually carry any of them out, I'm more of the ideation as above.

I have odd times I've crossed road without looking as don't give a toss, but get through it.

If not doit, it would hurt my family.

Marry with effort! Counselling has helped, but really putting myself in a position where I feel happy with me, what I am doing and where I am going. And challenging the things I think I can’t do, because every time I do it anyway it makes me feel more confident in telling those voices that they’re wrong.

I think it's very common.

For me it affects everything. Should I buy new carpet. Nope no point. Should I start to buy xmas pressies so I can afford it. Nope no point. Sometimes it's should I buy more shampoo if I feel desperate and it feels imminent.

The limbo of hating being alive and being scared of an afterlife is horrible. This life fills me with guilt because I know it could be loads worse and want to die, plus the guilt of thinking my family will deal with the consequences of my suicide. Then the afterlife scares me because if you think about death hard and long enough your mind takes you to nasty places where logically there must be something in a matrix kind of way.

guff 😘

I think there's different types. I've had a few thoughts
Some are just idle ones. Then I had one day where I was in the bathroom and thought "I could just do XXX" (sorry I don't want it to trigger anyone)
It was SO out of the blue, and so strong I actually walked round to the doctors and said "I'm having intrusive suicidal thoughts, help". They doubled my antidepressants and it's not happened since, she said well done for going straight there

Hmm, I’m slightly different. I have suicidal invasive thoughts when I’m really stressed. Actually when they kick in I know it’s time to go back on meds or seek counselling. I have anxiety because I have ASD. It’s always there but when it peaks, I get suicidal thoughts. It’s not that I want to die so much as I find life so overwhelming that I can’t bear to life any more. It’s just such hard work! And it’s relentless. Sometimes it’s too much. I actually assume I’ll live a long life interspersed with scared thoughts that I’ll die young (my Mum died of cancer at 51). I’ve never actually self harmed or attempted suicide.

I think if you have those kind of thoughts and assumptions it should be explored in counselling or with a therapist because that does sound extreme but I would think that with CBT you may be able to stop this though pattern.

@Fleurelle, I'm actually going through the Christmas pressie thing right now. I deal poorly with stress, so I like to plan things well so as to manage my anxiety (sometimes I'll write to-do lists which include the exact number of times I can snooze my alarm, how many minutes I can spend in the shower, what precise time I should boil the kettle, etc.).

Every summer I tell myself I should start buying a couple of Christmas presents each month, since I always spend too long stressing over choosing each one... and my brain is screaming at me that I won't even be around for Christmas, so why waste time?

It affects everything for me, too, a lot of the time. Fortunately (?) I feel quite sure that when I die, I'm gone entirely, so the afterlife isn't a worry.

Honestly, never. Not once.

I’m lucky in that i have never suffered from any MH issues, other than the social anxiety associated with very introverted people. Those less fortunate have my sympathy.

I've never considered killing myself but I do tend to assume that I won't live to be old, more of a health anxiety thing. There have been two specific periods on my life where I've seriously considered deliberately injuring myself badly (not self harm - more like walking out in front of a car or driving my car in to a wall) so that I could escape my life for a while i.e. needing a long stay in hospital, not needing to engage with responsibilities because things were too tough. I honestly never wanted to die but genuinely wanted to just check out for a while. Not something I've really been able to discuss irl.

I've never considered suicide per se. However, there have been times I've thought being dead would be easier.

I lived with suicidal thoughts for 25 years. It was a pattern which started with mentally planning my funeral moving to a clear plan involving my car. They would fluctuate in strength but always be there.

When my daughter was born, they stopped. Just stopped.

She now has them, age 10. In helping her I have read about a form of OCD of intrusive suicidal thoughts related to anxiety which she has found helpful. She tells me each time she has them which breaks my heart but she then feels relieved.

I wished I had someone who I trusted enough to tell over those 25 years, I worked so hard to manage them, it was exhausting and frightening.

I had everything positive in my life you describe you have, however death was always with me.
Before your wedding, consider a physical check up. My DD had a urine infection recently and her suicidal thoughts were continuous. Often people underestimate the impact physical illness in addition to stress can have on mental wellbeing.

OP suicidal thoughts are always a threat to self, either immediate or in the long term. Consider telling someone, the Samaritans are not an emergency service they will take calls just for you to try it out. If you find it OK you are more likely to call in the future.

It’s a crushing weight to carry on your own.

For many years I had these thoughts. The only thing that kept me going some days was keeping me going was the thought ‘not yet, dd needs me, but when she doesn’t I am free to do this’
Deep down I know she will always need me until it is my time to go, but the thought of being in control of my destiny when I was in control of nothing else kept me calm.
Only in the last year or so have they begun to recede, and I know why so that helps (personal circumstances have changed), but I know I will always be susceptible but having a coping mechanism keeps me safe.

Op It sounds really stressful having to plan everything like that. What would happen if you didn't go through with the set times? I once read about self punishment being a human condition. It made sense to me unfortunately! Even you writing your notes you say was self indulgent :(

I have them regularly. I have a fairly detailed plan. There have been a couple of occasions when I’ve come close to acting on them. I also have very specific thoughts on my funeral. I must get them added to my will.

I am fairly certain that if my parents and husband die before me, I will carry them out. I’ve become quite comfortable with the idea as at that point there will be no one left to be distressed at my passing. It’s only the thought of the pain it would cause to loved ones that stops me. Weirdly, I find that the thought that the time will come where I won’t cause pain to others if I do it comforting and makes it easier to live with.

I think it's more common than people realise. My Counsellor told me I'm not unusual & anything like mental health, grief, abuse and debt can prompt it. I think about it daily when depressed and not taking anything. When on anti d's maybe one or twice a week. I don't think I ever would do it, its just another symptom, like the no, I sleep, I no appetite & anxiety.

I have thought about killing myself every day since a teenager. Even when I'm happy.

I get thoughts in my head, flashes of imagery - me standing on top of a building, overdosing, whatever... But there's no intent behind it. I don't know where it comes from.

I think about harming other people every day too, but I never do.

I should add I've been on anti-ds for years.

I used to have very serious suicidal thoughts. These days they appear every so often and I tell them they can fuck right off. I'm in it for the long haul, come hell or high water.

Suicidal thoughts are different from suicidal intent
One can have suicidal thoughts with no intent or plan
And yes suicudal thoughts are common

Every day I think of pointing a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. I wouldn't do it that way, it's just an instant thought that pops into my head for some reason. I used to plan my suicide when I was younger, and in my late teens early 20s, although I didn't plan it anymore, it just seemed like an inevitability. Much like when you are that age you are pretty sure you'll get married or have kids, I was pretty sure I'd kill myself at one point.

But now I have DS I'm not going anywhere. I lost my mum when I was 23 and I've vowed to never leave my son until we're both grey and old (to my best efforts at least!).

I don't think it's normal tbh.

All the time. Since my teens. Some days, when depression is bad I almost have to physically stop myself from throwing myself under a train or crashing the car. It is my children and sometimes my work that stop me. But sometimes I just have to stay in bed til it's over. But yes - frequently

I am not sure I would commit suicide. Have I thought about it? Yes.

I do wish nearly every day that it would be a blessed relief if I went to sleep and never woke up.

No one knows. Not even close.