*Trigger warning - suicide* - to ask you, honestly, how common suicidal thoughts really are?

[thisisannc]

I'm currently planning my wedding to the most wonderful man - I truly feel some happiness every day that I found a partner as great for me as he is. Yet, I realised tonight that when I really think about my own future, I've always assumed I'd take my own life in the near future. It's always seemed like my 'destiny'. I feel terrible, obviously, because I'm planning a future I really do want, but don't in my heart believe I'll ever have.

I should be clear that I have absolutely no plans to hurt myself imminently - this is a feeling I've had since my early-teens, and I'm 31 now. Throughout my twenties I kept and regularly updated a note (in electronic form), ready for when the time came. I stopped doing this as it felt too self-indulgent.

I just wonder if I'm really that unusual in genuinely seeing no future for myself, despite having a great career, wonderful partner and family, etc.? It's such a triggering/upsetting subject that it would be entirely natural for friends/family to misunderstand and react as if the 'threat' is imminent, so is it the case that a great many people feel as I do but don't talk about it?

If it's at all relevant, I was treated for anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety for most of my mid-late teens, so I do understand I may very well not be normal.

Hmm I have had suicidal thoughts. Not sure if it’s morbid fascination or some sort of strange fantasy. It worries me that one day it might become overwhelming and I’d go through with it. I have children now and couldn’t bear to do that to them. But people who commit suicide are often those who seemingly have lots to live for and those left behind had not seen it coming. Are those cases people like me who’ve often thought about it but never truly believe they’ll do it? I also have family members (previous generations known my parents) who have committed suicide. That sometimes makes me feel more vulnerable. I have never discussed this with anyone before online or in real life.

I've had suicidal thoughts mainly when dealing woth ptsd/anxiety. It's not "common" or "nornal" I don't think. After my second miscarriage I genuinely wanted to lie in the road and be run over, when the ptsd kicked in after third miscarriage, difficult labour of dd and the trauma of returning to work i was having suicidal thoughts so often that I went to see GP.

Ive just realised that now i have been doing buddhist awareness meditation rwfularly for 8 months i haven't had any suicidal thoughts despite current marriage ending.

I think about it at least once a day.
I would never consider acting on those thoughts but they fill my mind up on a bad day.
I've struggled with this most of my life stuck in catch 22 don't want to be here but so much to live for (family).
Now I have children I feel so guilty for feeling this way and it hurts to think what would happen to them without me here, so for that reason alone I stick it out.

I've always pictured a premature end to my life too, and came close to doing something serious when I was 19, but now I try to imagine life with grandchildren.
If it wasn't for my children I really don't know if I'd have carried on. The thoughts themselves wear you down and tire you out, sucking joy out of your day, nothing in particular can bring them on, I really believe its a physiological or chemical problem within the brain, no amount of therapy fixes it tbh.

I've never had suicidal thoughts. But then again apart from the mild baby blues for a few months I've never had any MH issues. It's not normal in my world to have suicidal thoughts but I realise that it's an issue that I'll never be able to understand.

I find suicidal thoughts and self harming are my automatic response to difficult situations. I haven't acted on them for over 15 years but they still come up -even when pregnant which rather worried me. I always now force myself to think of how it would impact on others- DH bringing up DC alone, DS asking where I was etc. Even when I hate myself I see value in protecting them. I remember too the impact my cousin's suicide had on his family.

I have sometimes wondered if it is possible to be addicted to the chemicals released in the body by pain and if stopping self harming is like giving up drink -the temptation is there when things are tough.

Ive never even considered it, even in the lowest points of my life, I've always known it would get better (and it always has)

To be honest OP, I suspect you will get a skewed perspective on this thread and those who it's important to will post and that's likely to be those who have had suicidal thoughts. It feels a bit heartless to just pop on and say "no, not me- I'm fine!". Honestly though? I think it's less common to have suicidal thoughts than it is not to

I suspect you’re going to get some very divided answers on this thread. I genuinely don’t know the answer to how common suicidal thoughts are, but I think there are 2 distinct types of people- those that have suicidal thoughts frequently and those who rarely/never have them. I also think they’re somewhat more common than people realise as they’re not something which the people having them tend to speak about.

I have had them from my early teens until now (early 40s). Sometimes the thoughts have been fairly passive, but quite intense eg my biggest wish in life for a long time was to go to sleep and not wake up and this was something I’d think about for several hours every day. Other times I’d think about my life meaning nothing, not feeling I had anything to look forward to in the future, a feeling of emptiness about life and just not wanting to live and almost romanticising about various (fairly dramatic) ways of ending it all. The more frightening thought I had was when I actively planned how, when and where to end it. The thing which stopped me was fear- specifically the fear of pain. Later someone very wise pointed out to me that what if death isn’t the end and what if afterwards you end up somewhere even worse. That idea scared the shit out of me and so I’m still around and at times feel frustrated that the thing I thought was a release isn’t really an option.

I have intrusive suicidal thoughts most days. Now they are fleeting, like remembering a scene from a film, but when I was drinking they were very very real. And intricately planned too. I didn’t particularly want to die, I just didn’t want to carry on feeling like I did.

They weren’t frightening, they were a comfort because it was an end to feeling so wretched. I realised that they were closely linked to how I felt when I was hungover, and that’s one of the things that keeps me from drinking.

I’m also on a high dose of ADs, which have helped hugely. I don’t feel as keenly as I used to, and that’s a relief.

My previous ideation always centered around what I would be wearing when I did it, and without fail it was a white gown, and I was never quite sure if it was a nightdress or a wedding gown or a shroud.

I have never talked about it, ever.

@anametouse, I definitely understand that it's more likely I'll get a somewhat-skewed perspective on this thread. On some level I always assumed that my fiancé wasn't quite telling the truth when he said he'd never felt like I do about suicide (despite doing everything he can to help me deal with my mental health issues over the years), so it's actually helpful to understand that suicidal ideation is really not a universal feeling.

It will be different for everyone I should imagine,there may even be some people who have never felt that way but for me it's quite common.

The first time I attempted suicide I was 13,the last time I spoke to someone about those thoughts was about 3-4 weeks ago when I spoke to someone at the samaritans.

I was suicidal when I had PND with my first child. I didn't dare tell anyone at the time. I felt that I couldn't handle a baby, I was useless and would not cope. But because if I left her I would be hated by all I thought the best thing all round is if I'm dead. It was literally the only way I could see that I could get out of the awful situation.
Things got better for a long time.
I am having a difficult time again right now and while I don't actively want to harm myself I often feel that if I died now I wouldn't mind.

I do have them now and again, usually when my meds have failed for one reason or another. But before I started this medication, it was all the time.

I have never considered it. I would assume that there are two main causes of suicidal thoughts 1) life is genuinely unbearable due to trauma, grief or dreadful living conditions or 2) depression or other mental illness. From your OP, the latter is more likely since you have been diagnosed with depression in the past. But I'd imagine suicidal thoughts are pretty uncommon in people who don't fall into either of those two categories (which I don't, thankfully).

This thread has really made me think. I think that actually most people don't have suicidal thoughts but Yes, I do on some level at times. Probably few times a year.
Relatives have killed themselves. I don't think I'd act on my feelings but o certainly feel very sad and alone at times.

I am not sure how common it is, but I can empathise.

I think for people who have never considered or felt suicidal, it really is a foreign concept, but it's never really far from my mind even when I don't intend to follow those thoughts.

I hope that we all find a way to move on from the feelings in the future.

That’s interesting that you talk about feelings of being sad and alone, Mobydick. For me, it’s about the guilt/regret of a decision I made years ago, which has haunted me. Or I’ve kept the ghost alive, I’m not sure.
Sometimes the waves of regret would knock me over and I’d think “I cannot fix this, it’s all too late, I fucked up so bad” etc and then just want the feeling to stop.

No. Never. Impulsive "what would would happen if..." type thoughts are not suicidal ideation.

I don't know if it's common but I know DH has thought about it seriously during bouts of depression, as has my Dad who has bipolar and periods of psychosis. My dbro is also bipolar so yes, he's been there. Definitely had a couple of friends who've considered it too. I think it's not the norm but not uncommon either.

You could have been describing me. But I don't think it's normal.

All the time for years. Had a nearly successful attempt in May. Trying not to let it happen again because of DCs.

Twice in 32 years.
Severe depression both times linked to events.
I spoke to people closest to me and they helped me stay afloat until I was recovering.

I only had it once, and it really shocked me. But I do have other intrusive thoughts. Or rather had, not so much now, counselling really helped me

Smellbellina how do you manage your intrusive thoughts? I have them too and am really really sick of it!

I've had recurrent suicidal thoughts for decades and self-harmed in my younger days. The thoughts come with feeling overwhelmed by life and whatever balls-up has just happened. I start to think I can't go on like this and want a way out. It's where my head goes when things are not going right. Long term MH problems which are much better now on the whole but I still have these dark thoughts.
I also suffer from health-based anxiety too and if I'm ill I'll worry that I'm going to die and leave my dd.

I don't think it's as simple as mental illness or tragic circumstances.

It's far more complex. To have dark thoughts is arguably part of some people's nature. The world thinks I'm an extrovert. I know I'm not. I think too much, and deeply. I don't buy that all suicide thinkers have a condition or reason.

I think the thought I've always had is along the lines of "one day I'll be strong enough to actually go through with it". That's not great, I do realise. The replies are giving me a great deal to think about. It feels difficult to reply to many of you personally, since I empathise very strongly.