*Trigger warning - suicide* - to ask you, honestly, how common suicidal thoughts really are?

[thisisannc]

I'm currently planning my wedding to the most wonderful man - I truly feel some happiness every day that I found a partner as great for me as he is. Yet, I realised tonight that when I really think about my own future, I've always assumed I'd take my own life in the near future. It's always seemed like my 'destiny'. I feel terrible, obviously, because I'm planning a future I really do want, but don't in my heart believe I'll ever have.

I should be clear that I have absolutely no plans to hurt myself imminently - this is a feeling I've had since my early-teens, and I'm 31 now. Throughout my twenties I kept and regularly updated a note (in electronic form), ready for when the time came. I stopped doing this as it felt too self-indulgent.

I just wonder if I'm really that unusual in genuinely seeing no future for myself, despite having a great career, wonderful partner and family, etc.? It's such a triggering/upsetting subject that it would be entirely natural for friends/family to misunderstand and react as if the 'threat' is imminent, so is it the case that a great many people feel as I do but don't talk about it?

If it's at all relevant, I was treated for anorexia, bulimia, depression and anxiety for most of my mid-late teens, so I do understand I may very well not be normal.

I have a plan to go once my children have finished education.
I know this isn’t normal and seeking help at the minute

If anyone wants to talk about anything pls feel free to drop me a message. I'm always online and nearly always available.

I've only just started to talk about this. I've had suicidal thoughts for what feels like forever. I have a clear plan. It's only because of my DD I'm seeking help.

This thread is so sad to read.
Just proves you never really know what's going on in people's lives.
.

No,sadly no one ever really knows what goes on for someone else
That’s whats so hard
I worked with a junior Dr who committed suicide
Outwardly,no clue,parents,partner,colleagues none of us knew the thoughts or turmoil. Years later it still feels raw

I haven't had a chance to read the whole thread but wanted to comment. It sounds to me like you're still depressed and I'd encourage you to seek further help. Depression as you will know causes distorted thinking such as you describe (re seeing no future etc), and you deserve better. (I'm speaking as someone who suffers from depression and has experienced the same feelings BTW.)

From what I can gather suicidal ideation is very common, but (setting aside the 'jumping off high places'/'driving into the central reservation' scenarios which are somewhat different) also indicative that help is needed.

I found that saying I felt depressed was met with laughter. That it must be a joke. Happened more than once. Kept my mouth shut after that.
Eventually you become adept at smiling when you just want to hide away.

I get them every day. It’s annoying. It’s not normal. I’ve got a diagnosis of depression.

The trouble is, when times are harder if you have the thoughts already it’s very easy to make the short step to plan and action.

I think you should talk to your GP about this, and/or see a counsellor. It might be good to explore why you don’t believe you’ll have the future you’re planning, and why you think suicide is more likely than a normal life.

A few times a month.

Op with your list of previous struggles have you ever considered aspergers. Look up female presentation of aspergers or autism. Suicidal ideation is not uncommon i think.
I think about it quite often but i dont think id actually do it

I thought like this for about two years and various other stages in life, but the recent two year was awful as I didn't have DC during previous bad times. I woke up a few weeks ago and everything felt clear, I felt lighter, I started to take care of myself, it was as if the mist just lifted.

I am very glad I made it through. I thought about suicide so much as an option, I only looked at my DC in the garden and thought thank fuck I made it.

Now I am going to really try ways to prevent it happening again. I actually said to my siblings I feel so much better, I am glad I am still here. They were shocked they knew life was giving me a bit of a hard time. It seems a normal choice when you are depressed, I wondered would my DC be ok.

My Dad's brothers took their life's many years ago. I always remember my Dad saying those who threatened or think of taking their own life, usual do it eventually.

I know how you feel and think.
Lots of people do but can’t say anything.

I've often thought about it. Would I do it? Probably if something or someone tipped me over the edge enough.
I think it's my life & if I want to end it I will, nothing to do with anyone else. Of course it has everything to do with my family who would have to live without me but when you're feeling crap & unloved you don't care.

I have never ever considered it.
And I've had some tough times, where I've sobbed and sobbed.

I don't think it's normal or ok. At all. If anyone has, ever had such thoughts, then they need help and support.

Many times I have felt I want to go to sleep & not wake up, not sure how often but would say every few months. If I get really low I will just sleep all weekend and just get up to go to work. I spent one year like this didn’t go anywhere, we lost a lot of family that year was very painful time & I couldn’t cope. Only my DH knew how low I was and pulled me out of it.

We’re trying for a family and feel I have a big hole in my life & I question why am I alive. We’re hoping to be referred for fertility counselling as we’ve just been referred for treatment. It does scare me as I don’t know how we will cope if they tell us it won’t happen. I’ve got no idea of how I will feel or cope.

I think it’s a lot more common than people realise, just reading comments here I recognise the same feelings. Thank you OP for posting this, I’m glad I’m not the only one.

I've not only had suicidal thoughts, I've acted on them several times. Looking back, each time I've felt that nothing in my life was under my control, and actually choosing to die was the only way to control how I felt and what would happen.

While I was diagnosed at one point with BPD and completed a full 18 month course of MBT, it's never felt quite like the whole story. I've done some things like stimming since early childhood, and it looks much more likely that I have some form of autism: I'm high functioning, articulate, and able to fake my way through social situations and have done so all my life, but I have no true sense of self. I'm weird to others. Just glad DH and DS love me, for whoever they perceive me to be.

I'm not going to put myself through the diagnostic process. I don't have the energy. It's enough to have an insight of sorts and take from that what I can to cope better. Suicide is off the table these days, in a way it wasn't before DS was born. I'm a bit obsessive about commitment, and having a child is the ultimate commitment to that small being you've brought into the world, in my mind, even when they're a smelly pre-teen and almost as tall as me and not nearly so dependent as they were.

It doesn't stop me having the thoughts, but they're not so frequent these days. And now, perhaps, just knowing I could is enough to stop me needing to go through with it.

Openup41 Are you against medication, or have that tried it.

I have been on prozac for nearly 10 years. Although I said above I had a horrible two years, the years previous while on medication have been easier.

In my teens I had anorexic, anxiety, bouts of depression. If you not against medication try see your Gp it does help

I think one of the difficulties is, even if you have close friends or family to talk to, what can you say? It’s one thing to say “I feel low” but to tell them, “actually I want to die almost all of the time and always have”. Well what can they say to that? Medication can only go so far, therapy can only go so far. It’s like i’m “ok” at this moment in time but the underlying feeling won’t ever fully go away and I don’t think there’s anything on this earth that could accomplish that. I think it’s just the way my brain is wired.

Some days I am okay and others I am on the verge of packing my bags, taking my passport and disappearing for good

I know this feeling so well! I have this almost fantasy of just turning up at the airport, picking a place at random and going. Sometimes I have to actually fight against it as I know it would be damn stupid. But I totally get why some people do it.

I have suffered from mild depression and severe anxiety in the past but suicide has never ever crossed my mind.

I would love to run away at times! Wouldn’t solve anything.

I understand there are different mindsets. One of utter active dispair and one of the detachment from life and everything in it.

I wonder where is the line between ideation and intent. Many people have a plan but this can still be ideation?

Storm4star. I agree. Advice is to tell someone like that just fixes it. What does it change afterwards if it's ongoing.

I have these thoughts often. I'm the same I don't think I'll ever do it but it's something I consider a lot. I have cut myself before to try and release the way I feel. I have suffered with depression from being young. I think it's probably more common than you thing x