AIBU to feel left out?

[BobblyBits]

I try really hard with the mums at school. I’ve recently organised a night out. I also help other mums when they ask for help (e.g. if our children do the same club helping with lifts). However I’ve noticed when others organise fun things I’m never invited.

I live far from my family. I have no natural support network. Facebook the great revealer has just shown me a whole group of mums most of who I’m quite close to all on a day trip out with their kids and I had absolutely no knowledge of it!

What’s going on? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard and actually I’m of use to these people to a point but then I’m of no use at all? I feel so so sad. These are people who we’ve had play dates (unreciprocated) just loads of stuff - curries, drinks, had them to our house and then they organise stuff and don’t invite us. I feel like giving up and becoming a recluse! Least that way I can’t feel disappointed if I’m not doing stuff for others then I can’t feel disappointed that we’re not invited to social stuff. Aibu. I’m exhausted. I just been trying to build a network of friends and it’s not happening. Maybe I try too hard.

I think that's a big problem - exacerbated by SM. We see all these 'out with my girls' 'love this lot' pictures and panic that we haven't got 'girls' in a sex in the city fashion.
Truth is, most of us do have our tribes, but just not in an every Friday night together kind of way.
I have a group of friends I only see once a year, if you saw a pic of us on our annual catch up-we'd look like the Facebook gals but the reality is very different. We're dotted all over the country with busy jobs and many kids.
Just see it as your horizons being much wider than theirs. Be a flitter if that suits you better, dip in and out as you see fit rather than putting all that pressure on yourself to fit in constantly (especially with people who aren't even all that!)
Hope day 2 of the new you is going well

@FerylBeryl. I’m holding up. What I’ve learned so far is that I go to my phone too often to check social media (which means I’m checking mumsnet instead since I got rid of Insta and Facebook). But I do feel oddly at peace. A bit more chilled out.

Great stuff - one day at a time eh.
Do you have Twitter? I look on there and the sky news app too. Twitter is the opposite of Facebook for me. I follow people I don't know in real life, everyone's miserable but very funny and it's a great way of giving you something to check rather than going cold turkey with your phone.

I have gone through a very similar situation - thought I was part of a friendship group and was then not invited to a large significant Birthday party and all the pictures were plastered over book. I was really really upset at the time.

Going from this thread it clearly happens to a lot of people- but what really gets me is one person is being excluded i.e.bullied and the perpetrators and their crowd just carry on regardless - no one within the group would have the balls to say ' hang on why is bobblybits not invited ? '

And if the person excluded does have the courage to question why they are being excluded they are labelled as being pathetic, needy etc etc.

2 of my closest friends and their husbands were invited to that party - but they didn't even mention it to me before hand - I told them exactly how I felt and they were kind to me but at the same time were kind of making excuses for the person that excluded me.

As I always say it's OK for those who are not excluded to make excuses, because they are not in your shoes and do not know how shit it does feel to be excluded.

But I do think friendship groups are overrated, hardwork and will always be dominated by one person.

I also agree the playground can be very lonely, very very few people come up and talk to me and I've given up running after people. I wish I didn't have to endure it, but my husband works very long hours so I'm the part time worker and if I worked full time neither of us would ever see the children !

All I can say is you really have to develop a can't give a fuck attitude - I'm still cultivating mine !!!!

Yes, I've found Twitter to be more real life than FB, although of course, it depends on who you follow. My husband and I have made some really good friends on there, some of whom we meet up with from time to time, and we've found the people on there to be very genuine and supportive.

Not sure about Twitter. Will read mumsnet.
Pretty exhausted with all these mums. Clique 2 (mainly SAHMs) were out in force today. Met one for a coffee last week another one bumped into her over the weekend and had a good chat. This morning I could have been invisible.

I spoke to my mum and she said it was the same for her when I was at school she used to wonder if it was because we were an immigrant family. We didn’t live where everyone else did - well within catchment but not so desirable an area.

@cannotchange I don’t mind the school run. I get to miss a few because of work.

I’m friendly and people generally engage with me and talk. It’s just my close friends did this to me 🙁

BobblyBits - has one recently emerged as more of a ring leader/organised that you maybe get on less well with than the others? If so she may see you as a threat.
We used to socialise with DH’s mates and wives as we had similar age children so we went on camping weekends etc. One of the wives gradually became more and more dominant until she was controlling the dynamics of not just her husband and children but the entire group!!
I could see through her and she eventually pushed me or I let myself be pushed to breaking point. We had words and then we became socially ostracized from this group for me i missed some of them and I felt our kids missed out a little in some ways but on the whole it was a relief.
I think she was jealous as I got on better with the men than her according to DH. I did really try with her but I found her very moody. She gradually invited more of her friends to the group to make us more on the periphery. After the fall out one of her friends invited us to go camping with them as she was away. When she the bossy wife found out the friend made an excuse and cancelled. I found out off another of DH’s friends wives who also found her moody and hard work that she had found out & went mad and threatened to cut them off at work & socially as well if she ever spoke to me or contacted me again. DH’s best mate and best man wasn’t allowed to see him again unless one of the dads on the outer edges of the group they all knew from a sport invited him out. When he sees the lads without wives 2-3 times a year they all get on fine. Her husband and children (now teenagers) scowl at me and if ever I see her on the street if their are no witnesses she tries to shoulder barge past me as though I am invisible. It must be hard to be like that.
Enjoy being the new you OP I hope you find your tribe or find things/friends you are happy to dip in and out of which I now enjoy and realise this and my family is enough for me and where I am happiest at. Take care

DH’s best mate was her husband.

I would mention it. I'm honest about these things. I think people need to know that you were hurt and felt excluded.
Why is there such a shame? To say such a thing?

Do you think you maybe come across as incredibly “capable and busy” and they might think you are far too independent to be invited on the friendship group?

You need to find a way to let them know you are happy to be included.

Good luck OP

Are you socially awkward? I am, and this has always happened to me, not that I really care, luckily. DF always used to ask me if I'd made friends at the mother and baby group, when I said no he'd ask why not, as if it was the be all and end all.

OP, when you spoke to your friend, did you tell her how hurt you were?

Hi Guys - hectic morning.
So my conclusions are the mum who organised it is the ringleader.

I’ve worked out that she’s basically trying to distance me. I’m not socially awkward in fact I’m the opposite. I’m confident, astute, well spoken and often the life and soul of a party. That’s not ‘bigging’ myself up. I’m from an immigrant background from a fairly poor area and essentially worked myself up. I went to a RG university and am well educated. I engage with people in society at lots of different levels. I’m not afraid of people nor do I judge. I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am enduring 5am starts in uni to work before my day to have the money to get through.

I work in a very Corporate environments and daily my clients are CEOs and CFOs of FTSE companies.

I try to balance it all and I’ve figured this mum sees me as a threat. I think it’s her husband if I’m honest. It’s too outing to say how but her husband has a roaming eye and I know she’s noticed it when he’s around me. My own DH has noticed it and he feels uncomfortable for me.

But honestly when it’s the mums and the kids all is usually ok. Except she does the organising and she has distanced me. This was the only incident I knew about. I’ve looked back and spoken to DH.

Today I’m literally like fuck all of them. If they want to go along with her leave them to it.

Life is too short. I’ve seen a lot of loss in my family. Lost my father at a young age and my aunt who was like a second mum to suicide. I can’t be doing with this behaviour and I won’t allow it to affect me.

Good for you OP I thought that might be the case. I think she may well feel threatened and embarrassed about her DH’s behaviour. But that’s not your issue.
Maybe the others assumed or were led to believe you had been invited.
It might be worth suggesting having a coffee. a drink or going to see a film with one or two of them that may give you an indication whether they are awkward about the invitation or not.
Take care

Possibly embarrassment and possibly threatened. I’m a bit shocked tbh as I thought she knew me better to know my morals and values. There have now been two occasions I know of anyway. I’m sure I’ll be able to hook up with the others at separate points.

I’ll sort it - I’m so frustrated with her for this honestly deep down we share very similar values. Politically and socially. We always have so much to talk about and we’ve had some pretty great debates. She’s intelligent and pretty wonderful person!! I know she’s a good friend but it’s sad about her DH. I’ll miss her. Not sure how to pull back from this as it’s not only once.

Anyway must get on with my working day. Thanks for the support everyone now I’ve kind of got to the bottom of it I’m not so affected but very very very sad at losing this amazing friend.

I think it might be to do with the fact that you don’t want to be part of a clique and want to be inclusive. The queen bee cliquey types DO want to be part of a clique, so if they think you would invite anyone and everyone to their events then they won’t invite you, as they just want it to be their little group. If that sort of environment wouldn’t suit you then you’re probably best off out of it anyway!

You sound lovely by the way!

@conker I’m so fed up of this cliquiness! It’s absolutely worse than being back at school as they’re adults! I feel at times like being a revolutionary and tackling it but there is no chance of breaking it all up.

Gah! Just here to vent as it happened to me again today. I don't want to sound like a loon so won't go into details but eugh it's a horrid feeling. Must stay focused on being busy and not get paranoid.

Is the mum who is the ringleader your old friend OP?

@Festival yes 😞. But I haven’t lost hope of salvaging that friendship! Oh no @lola!

I think the best advice has been off social media and focus on individuals/small groups!

You don’t like or share questionable things on Facebook do you? There’s a mum at our school who is lovely face to face but after she added me on Facebook I realised that she’s extremely far right and has some views that I find inexcusable so I’m now civil but I would not include her if I was planning anything as I don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue.

Sorry I’ve just rtft and realise my rant (didn’t realise how angry I was about this mum) is way off the mark!!
I would keep doing things on a one to one basis or small groups and you may find the ones you get close to turn their backs on the queen bee.

Gosh no @coriander! Love the name btw! How does Coriander destroy a family?! We love that stuff in our house!

It’s fine if you all love coriander, but if there is one deviant who doesn’t like it yes I’m looking at you DH then it can cause anarchy at meal times