AIBU to feel left out?

[BobblyBits]

I try really hard with the mums at school. I’ve recently organised a night out. I also help other mums when they ask for help (e.g. if our children do the same club helping with lifts). However I’ve noticed when others organise fun things I’m never invited.

I live far from my family. I have no natural support network. Facebook the great revealer has just shown me a whole group of mums most of who I’m quite close to all on a day trip out with their kids and I had absolutely no knowledge of it!

What’s going on? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard and actually I’m of use to these people to a point but then I’m of no use at all? I feel so so sad. These are people who we’ve had play dates (unreciprocated) just loads of stuff - curries, drinks, had them to our house and then they organise stuff and don’t invite us. I feel like giving up and becoming a recluse! Least that way I can’t feel disappointed if I’m not doing stuff for others then I can’t feel disappointed that we’re not invited to social stuff. Aibu. I’m exhausted. I just been trying to build a network of friends and it’s not happening. Maybe I try too hard.

Why not just ask? “Saw you all went out, would love to be invited to the next trip it looked fun”
If nothing then move on, they are clearly happy to take your help but not include you. Do you really want friends like that anyway?

Not that it would make it any better but could it because of your kids? Do they not get on with any of theirs or any behaviour problems?

I look back on those days when my kids were in primary school with a bit of a shudder. The 'Queen bee' mums did my head in. In retrospect I kind of brought it on myself. I wanted to feel part of a group but actually although I am sociable deep down I'm not a fan of big groups of people.

I know now that I don't like the dynamics of a big group. I didn't like them enough to throw myself into the group fully and they probably picked up on this. I wasn't ever going to be part of the gang.

I met some nice mum's on a one to one basis. I just genuinely hated the dynamics amongst the big group.

Focus on the kids. Invite them to yours for playdates. I met some great mums on a one to one basis and 20+ years later I'm still glad to bump into them.

What you don't realise is that big group are not as tight as they appear to be. Half of them can't stand one another. Try not to feel left out. It's them not you.

Cultivate interests outside your kids and meet other adults away from the school gate. It can be a minefield!!

All the kids thankfully get on really well. My eldest is bright and clicks quite easily.

I will ask that friend - I know she really likes me. I have friends and family outside but they live further away. I grew up in a large family and I feel sad my kids don’t have that so I suppose I’m unsuccessfully trying to re-create that locally. I am not near London no.

It’s not just these mums there are lots of other clicks. I think I’m trying hard in different directions with different groups and just not getting in with anyone.

I need to learn to be happy in our little unit. I go to the gym a lot and work out but that’s pretty solitary! I work part time too and then have the kids when I’m not working. My DH works long hours.

I feel like I probably need to see my family soon and reconnect a bit. Looking forward to our summer holidays

I’ll most certainly ask the friend I know the best.

It is a minefield and actually I’ve decided it’s taking up a lot of headspace and I shouldn’t allow it to affect. I’m so so grateful for the immense amount of support and anecdotes from you all. It’s a hard balance. I just don’t know if I do fit!

Have you thought about volunteering with brownies or scouts or similar? Great way to meet people and be sociable and the areas of leaders are also sociable (usually). That way your helping but to people who will genuinely benefit from your kind heart.

I absolutely know what you mean and had similar with DS1 group of mums, execpt my moment came after not being invited to a significant birthday party. I pulled right back, still staying friendly but not initiating anything anymore. In the end I made some v good friend in DS2’s year. All the ‘newcomers’ with no local support seemed to gravitate together. I threw myself into the PTA and worked as hard as I could behind the scenes, and I made a point of learning to enjoy my own company which is a skill I don’t think I ever learnt. My friends are few but they are real, honest and would go to the wall for me. Best of luck it sucks x

I'm a teacher, so I see playground dynamics for parents ever day. Nothing much changes from our school days!! You arent alone, but I know it's shit.

Gosh we all need to find each other!! I work part time and my youngest is only 3 my husband works late so I can’t volunteer in the evenings as I won’t be back from school. Also these mums are working mums too (just in case anyone thinks it’s a SAHM clique - that’s a whole other story)!

Crazy playground dynamics and lots of queen bees. I don’t know how grown women end up allowing one person to have such control. I organised some drinks and a few people said they couldn’t come as soon as the Queen Bee said she could suddenly pretty much everyone could come!! That’s so bad 2 that had said they couldn’t now could too!

Sorry back from work not school.

Do stuff on a much smaller scale and just invite a few of the non-Queen Bees!

Yes small scale. It’s the way forward. To be honest I’m exhausted with hosting and trying hard. Think it’s time to take a step back .

That’s mean, really mean. Be true to yourself. They’ve shown how much your company is wanted, so sod them. Don’t help anymore. They don’t deserve it.

Ask your friend what happened. She’ll probably be embarrassed as hell.

Onwards and upwards op.

I know she’ll be mortified. It’s bloody Facebook! Isn’t it - if it wasn’t for that then you’re not to know a thing. Frustrating. I should come off social media. But then again I wouldn’t know how people take the piss!

Ditch FB. Live in the real world! You are better off not knowing.

(Flowers)

Oh I give up!!

I’m someone who is always overlooked/de-friended/after-thoughted too, has happened to me right from a very early age. I’ve got some very close friends and a great family so I mostly don’t give a shit and move on quite quickly, but it does hurt a bit. Recently happened with a group of moms I got close to on my latest mat leave who seem to have mostly disappeared; they all popped back up to wish happy first birthday to one of the moms baby’s who happens to share a birthday with my baby. Of course my child doesn’t get a mention so deleted they get. I just can’t be arsed anymore with people who can’t be arsed with me.

I find people like to pigeon hole others, I know through a friend that at the school gates I was seen as the helpful but busy one. Was always asked to help out but not invited to the nights out or days out. Only after a Christmas party invite did I get into the night out drinking group.

Op if you really think about it , the only thing you have in common is your kids are in the same school/class. Would you expect to have a connection with a stranger because other than the kids what do you have in common. If I look at the parents in my ds class I dont think I would choose willingly to want them to be friends. But I am friendly to them just for the sake of my ds. I think it gets too complicated trying to be friends with the parents and situations like these how would it impact the kids.

@boulshired. I must be the accommodating idiot down the road! Wish it didn’t hurt! It’s just you feel a bit hard done by. Yes I have a busy life but I make room for people. I think I probably book myself up too much. Onwards and upwards. Facebook you’re ditched!

MissP103 I can’t say how as it’s totally outing but we have lots in common with all of those parents other than school. I can’t say how but our paths cross in other places e.g professionally. hence I thought we had a connection. It’s seems not.

I was dropped too. Great frineds i thought at playgroup, started nursery, others went on to have another baby, made more new friends and I was dropped, completely.
No answers for you...but to send best wishes