AIBU to feel left out?

[BobblyBits]

I try really hard with the mums at school. I’ve recently organised a night out. I also help other mums when they ask for help (e.g. if our children do the same club helping with lifts). However I’ve noticed when others organise fun things I’m never invited.

I live far from my family. I have no natural support network. Facebook the great revealer has just shown me a whole group of mums most of who I’m quite close to all on a day trip out with their kids and I had absolutely no knowledge of it!

What’s going on? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard and actually I’m of use to these people to a point but then I’m of no use at all? I feel so so sad. These are people who we’ve had play dates (unreciprocated) just loads of stuff - curries, drinks, had them to our house and then they organise stuff and don’t invite us. I feel like giving up and becoming a recluse! Least that way I can’t feel disappointed if I’m not doing stuff for others then I can’t feel disappointed that we’re not invited to social stuff. Aibu. I’m exhausted. I just been trying to build a network of friends and it’s not happening. Maybe I try too hard.

Def ask the friend that you've known for over 10 years.

Clutching at straws here, but do you have a much younger child that they thought would be too young for whatever activity it was they planned?

I’ve been their OP - it’s usually down to whoever’s children have the best dynamics. I always felt on the fringes of one group, tried so hard, did all the running - then their was one big event that made me realise they didn’t care about me at all.
I cut ties after that and focused on appreciating the few but good friends I had. It was very very painful and lonely at times but sometimes you have to really wait it out to find genuine friends.

All our younger kids are the same age and will be in the same school year !! They took the older ones. we have a lot in common professionally and personally. DH drinks and socialises with the dad’s.

Honestly I just have to think that we were forgotten. But it was a ticketed event and must have been well organised. Ffs I see these people all the time!! I’m genuinely gutted guys! Get me over this now!

You sound lovely to me xxx.

They're a bunch of twats , you're too good for them anyway 💐

There's some mean people around. OP - you sound a lovely friend to have

Why should you get over it? What they did was fucking mean.

Some people are just twats, unfortunately.

Work out who the nice ones are, which ones will make the effort to be nice, and focus on them.

Thanks guys. A bit tearful now. Other things not great between DH and I. His family nearby and not supportive. I work from home a lot. And now this has happened. I feel rejected on a lot of fronts, I feel isolated and I feel like I should be stronger. I also feel I can’t seem to focus on the right people. I’m not sure what to do with myself. Feeling lonely and not sure where to turn.

I need to get off social media. It’s knocking my already fragile self confidence and self esteem. You know what I am lovely I actually am - I’m caring I’m inclusive. I don’t do cliques. I try to include everyone. I support people when they’re in need. I’m not a bad or terrible person. I’ve got a lot of love to give and feel so so sad.

Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and have been in tears recently over something very similar. Facebook is so annoying!!

It’s Facebook, OP. Ditch it, honestly.

Then you can invite whoever you like and be happy with the connections you do have, and not stress about the times you’re left out.

It's not you it really is them. Try to focus on your DH. I know it's easier said than done but you are married to him and not them. You sound really nice. Get off FB it makes people feel awful. Check the research, it is really true.

Focus on yourself, DH and your DC. That's all that really matters. If you are feeling low chat to your GP. It's not easy with a young family and in my opinion mums do the lions share and get very little thanks.

Get your husband to ask the super grandparents to mind the babies and get a night away or even dinner just the two of you.

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, I'd be upset too but honestly they're not worth it. Agree with others, you sound lovely and it's their loss - stop making yourself available to help out except in a very general sense, they clearly don't appreciate it anyway. Maybe think about filling the gap with volunteering at a shelter, hospital visitor or a charity shop, people there will appreciate someone who is kind and caring. I can guarantee those 'mean girl' women will need you before you need them and you can take a bit of pleasure in saying sorry, not this time.

How awful. My son is 3. I am dreading all this nastiness as I'm not really a joiner-inner.

I think it's a good decision to take a step back. My mum didn't socialise with other mums and I still had friends and went to people's houses so it can't be that necessary.

I’m sorry you feel sad

Could it have been that someone was given (say) 10 tickets, and just asked that number if people along?

I would ask your friend, and hope it is nothing. Be aware though that if it is a problem with you or your dc, she may not tell you the truth. (If your ds is v able could the other children or parents feel jealous/ looked down on?)

Oh and totally agree about dropping social media. I've been all sad today cos of loads of "happy family in the sun" posts, which have made me feel incredibly lonely.

Thank you for your post OP. Up to now, I have always thought it was because I am foreign that people blank me. So it's extremely reassuring hearing others too have experienced this and I assume some of you must be from the UK. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I want to share my Philosophy on the issue. Stop putting effort in relationships that aren't reciprocated. They will always leave you feeling inadequate. Quit Facebook, I did and it helped. Pursue friendships elsewhere and walk away if ever treated like this. Loneliness and not being included sucks, but I truly believe that with time and the right mindset we all find something. All my best x

Bobblybits this sounds so awful.

I agree drop those who don't reciprocate and look elsewhere for kinder friends.

Good luck.

I’m British born but my heritage is another country. There is also a clique of mums whose heritage is the same country as mine but I don’t want to be in any clique - I always try to include everyone. I will take a break from social media for definite.

I need a break. @chasingcars will focus on the kids. My eldest is a bit of an all rounder bright and sporty - I can’t imagine being jealous of a child but maybe it is that? Do people really feel jealous of children? I think I see too much of the good in people.

I also realise I’ve been accepting being treated like shit. I’m sociable and love being around people. My DH doesn’t need people as much as I do. I feel lonely and miss my family. I suppose I was looking to these women to be that for me. I realise now I need to focus my efforts elsewhere.

Yes it could have been 10 tickets bought etc etc just we’re never asked and it’s not the first time.

I understand how you feel. I discovered via fb that my nct "friends" had been meeting up without me. We have a group messenger together but no mention of it on there so must be another one that I'm not included in. I was hurt by it initially but then I just realised that I never truly clicked with them and it was no great loss anyway.

I have finally made some mum friends who I truly click with, met just by chance at a kids activity and got chatting

@drummingisfun. NCT is another story! I organised and booked a date for an NCT reunion and people are booking other stuff in on those dates. I give up! I must give off some really needy vibes I think. Or someone once told me I don’t give enough of myself emotionally trust me I’ve told people my life story and this is what they do.

I can’t get it right. Need to sleep. Make some headspace.

Oh @BobblyBits poor you. We think we've left the schoolyard politics behind us once we grow up, only to realise that they're a million times worse once you're a parent!
The other mums who are the same heritage-do you like them? Stop worrying about inclusivity-if YOU like them, spend time with them. Put yourself first
I would certainly mention the day out to your 'friend' and I'd tell her in a matter of fact way that you were hurt not to have been asked.
Her reaction will let you know whether it's worth pursuing a relationship with her.
Stop hosting too. I think lots of us are feeling a bit left out and miserable this week.
Lots of love to anything be feeling like this

Yes I should really stop worrying about inclusion shouldn’t I? I know 3-4 of those mums so I could try. Start over. I know them so it wouldn’t be from scratch. They have long standing friendships though.

Yes I see my friend on Monday and I’ll ask. Maybe there is an explanation. I know she cares for me. In the meantime I’ve got in touch with an old friend and we’re meeting soon.

Yes hosting too. It’s hard and expensive!