AIBU to feel left out?

[BobblyBits]

I try really hard with the mums at school. I’ve recently organised a night out. I also help other mums when they ask for help (e.g. if our children do the same club helping with lifts). However I’ve noticed when others organise fun things I’m never invited.

I live far from my family. I have no natural support network. Facebook the great revealer has just shown me a whole group of mums most of who I’m quite close to all on a day trip out with their kids and I had absolutely no knowledge of it!

What’s going on? What am I doing wrong? Am I trying too hard and actually I’m of use to these people to a point but then I’m of no use at all? I feel so so sad. These are people who we’ve had play dates (unreciprocated) just loads of stuff - curries, drinks, had them to our house and then they organise stuff and don’t invite us. I feel like giving up and becoming a recluse! Least that way I can’t feel disappointed if I’m not doing stuff for others then I can’t feel disappointed that we’re not invited to social stuff. Aibu. I’m exhausted. I just been trying to build a network of friends and it’s not happening. Maybe I try too hard.

You really should! It sounds like it's been a while since you actually did anything that benefits YOU. This could be a strangely liberating turning point for you here. Turn a negative into a positive and all that
Make peace with yourself, realise that being on your own isn't so bad, it will allow you to feel less out of control when social situations don't go your way. You don't need these people, you don't need to be friends with them because your children are friends. You're fabulous!

I know how you feel OP. I feel like this all the time. It sucks. 💐💐

@ferylberyl. So right. I’m better than these people. I don’t need them to give myself worth. I have that in the love I have at home.

Trying very hard. Glad I’m not alone. I really am not.

Just realised I had another example with another group. I was in the PTA, and discovered they had a PTA whatsapp, but hadnt included me, and had no intentions of doing so, so when they organised tasks, I ws never asked to do anything...delightful. I left. :-)

Ffs @silver! What is it with people?? That’s horrible!

I agree, start looking after yourself a little more, we nice people arent as fun as the horrid ones who cant say a nice thing about anyone or each other !

Yes I've discovered you can't just be a nice, helpful, inclusive, chatty person. These are the qualities I have, I am also really smiley, good sense of humour and unneedy. But it's not enough if you want to be popular. The ones people crowd around are the loud ones with drama in their life, an opinion on everything, loves to gossip, loves to moan, not afraid to make enemies, isn't afraid to share personal problems, confident.. but also loyal and funny. People like this are surrounded by others despite many of the personality traits being typically thought of as undesirable.

I just want to get on with everyone and am a bit of a people pleaser, I never want to appear negative about anything, never want to moan about my life.. which means people like me but I will never be part of a group.

Oh my god Cook aint that the truth. We underdogs at the school gate have formed our own little group, these are mostly mums with kids with SN like myself, whose ds 6 is developmentally delayed.

@cook you could be me. Just lying awake and hot. I also don’t bitch about the other mums I do just generally walk away or end up standing there stupidly saying nothing!

Another day and the sun is out. I’m a little less exhausted - time to focus on my family.

Oh and I’ve ditched Facebook

Agree with the PP. These people sound like users. Concentrate your efforts on organising lovely things for your family who appreciate you. You sound like a lovely person and I don't think you should stop being kind in general but you should stop doing favours for people who have shown themselves to be ungrateful.

Lots of good advice up above. I don't have anything new to add, but I just wanted to chime and I say I know how sh1tty this feels, and that it's probably not something you did/didn't do.

Brilliant news! Live your own life instead of having songs at other people's. Yours is ace New start tomorrow, new you - remembering you need no one. You are completely free to choose if and when you include yourself into things.

Ffs PANGS NOT SONGS

Thank you @PitterPatter. People like this really make you question yourself. You think about errors you could have made.

Have shopped for a BBQ. Going to chill in the garden. Been a busy Sunday so far.

Whoops. Pressed post before I'd finished.

If it's still bothering you today, do say something to the friend you've known for 10 years – just stating calmly that you say they all went out and you wish you and your kids had been included – don't apologise, and let her fill the awkward silence. If you don't ask, you might end up going over and over it in your mind for months. (I occasionally still ruminate over why I wasn't asked along on a camping trip with my schoolfriends over 20 years ago!)

The other Mums are either forgetful or mean. Find out which and then you get to decide if you want to persist with them or not.

I know what you mean OP. I had this with both mums in DS’s class and mums in DD’s. Eventually I withdrew from most of them.
Like you I think I tried too hard, I worked pt and DH also did long hours. But also I was an older mum so 10 years older than most of them and not a size 10-12 with long straight hair (which seemed to be the norm) and didn’t go to school with them and our mums weren’t friends etc.
As I worked pt and many of the mums were SAHM I didn’t fit in with them and some that worked FT were popular if they had that look. Lots of nights out on FB but always only a certain clique was invited.

Just ask what they are up to then ask if you can tag along

@bdbabas I see them all during the week at school. I’ve had play dates recently. I see them enough for them to have asked really.

Yanbu and I empathise. I have had a very similar experience recently with a group of mums. I am like you, helpful, inclusive etc. But tbh OP, most people aren't like that and it can be a difficult concept to understand if you are trying to make friends and are just nice. I used to help people alot and then end up feeling used when people took advantage. I think people often see it as a sign of weakness if you are prepared to give too much. I now stop and ask myself if I am OK with the favour nor being reciprocated before I offer.

The incident I had was a few weeks back now, (same as you, found out on fb they were all out) and at the time I felt very sad. But I also realised sometimes I expected to be invited but didn't always initiate so I began by getting in touch with the one I liked the most and making a separate arrangement.
I also acknowledged this group was well established so didn't 'need' me so why should I be invited. Also there were a few I didn't like that much anyway so it may be the felt the same way about me .

People are just complicated OP. It's best not to expect too much and just start with individuals rather than a whole group. As someone else said, these groups are rarely as cohesive as they seem.

Thanks @LolaDolly I think that’s right and also falling for the Facebook farce. It’s the work of the Devil. It depicts lives in the time perfect sense.

Today I don’t know if it’s the weather but I feel more positive. I can’t be so available anymore as I overbook as it is. I’m going to leave things to nature a little for now.

I am getting together with an old friend this week and next weeeknd we travel to see my husband’s uni friends so just stepping away from the school scene.

I asked this morning. It was organised a while a go. I think I was never really on the list to be invited. My friend spoke quite casually about it not even thinking I would be offended.

I’m not sure how to have taken it but I’ll take a step back I think. Just generally the summer holidays will help. I’m kind of over it now in that it’s done and we have plenty of things planned when I’m not working with friends and family.

OP, I really feel for you and can totally relate. I barely get to do the school run and am relieved to be honest. But I felt really left out of baby group mums that I tried (too) hard to befriend. What has helped me is to delete facebook (I now have a fake account for special interest groups, selling etc but nothing social) and to focus on other aspects of my life. i have friends via uni, have joined a book club etc. I have also just accepted that you can't force friendships and they will happen if there is a connection there but you need also repeated interactions e.g months or even years of chats at the school gates. I have stopped being quite so helpful and giving as I think it can sometimes come across as desperate! It is frustrating and there are some school mums that I think are lovely and would love to know better. Remember that you never know what is really going on in friendship groups and that many of these friendships won't last.

@Lalotai47. I think I could be coming across as a bit desperate. Perhaps over friendly. I’m also quite an anxious person. I do in other ways hold back - rather than always being myself I’m this sort of chameleon. I tell people what they want to hear. I don’t know who I am myself sometimes.

I’m so torn trying to be something I’m not I’ve lost who I am. I know people are different in different situations. Of course I know friendships take time and some people are able to devote more time to growing friendships. I have a large family and also even though we don’t do lots with DH family they are big too. I have uni friends and post grad friends too.

I’m not close to my school friends as I moved away from the area. I just sometimes feel like I’m seeking my ‘tribe’ and I haven’t found them.