Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive half way?

94 replies

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:33

Currently locked into an argument with my ex husband.

He's just moved further away and is living 4 hours away, an 8 hour round trip.

He is meant to be having dd for 2 weeks over the summer.

He is sporadic with contact at best. Maybe averages as once a month if we work it out over a few years. He won't have seen her for 2 months by the time she visits. He won't see her till October half term, but that's not for certain.

He pays minimum maintaince which covers nothing ( it keep a reducing as he keeps having children) he doesn't contribute any extras, no clubs, no school uniforms. The maintaince has not increased to reflect his lower amount of contact and has never gone up in 13 years.

He earns double my wage and is is substised housing due to his job.

He has never once done parents evening, sports day, dentist or any usual parenting.

Despite all this he has said it is not fair if I don't meet him half way with the driving. Apparently I am selfish.

I cannot afford to. We are on the breadline despite me working full time. If I did the driving it would mean not paying a bill or not eating.

So- aibu?

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 14/07/2018 10:36

YANBU. Refuse. Just don't engage. NO is a complete sentence in this case.

When he asks or argues. Just say "no"

Readyfortheschoolhols · 14/07/2018 10:46

How old is /are the dc?

RunMummyRun68 · 14/07/2018 10:47

You'd be happy with him driving 8 hours solid with your kid in the car for some of that?

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2018 10:49

He moved so he should technically do the driving. Could she take a train to his if she is 13?

KinkyAfro · 14/07/2018 10:50

Id be perfectly happy with that runmummy, I've often driven 8 hours and more to Cornwall from up north with kids in the car

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:54

She's 12.

I wouldn't put her on public transport by herself. There is no way she would be happy with that. She's not ever used public transport.

His mum lives 10 miles away so he could stop at hers.

He want a me to do this after a full day at work when I have to be at work again the next day.

I have offered to meet 1.5 hours along the road but he will need to give me petrol money and it will have to be on a weekend. He has said I am dictating.

OP posts:
Blobbydobbydobb · 14/07/2018 10:57

It's a difficult one.

Strictly speaking he's moved so he should do the extra travel. However as a PP said is 8 hours round trip driving sensible or safe? I don't think so - I know my limit in a day is about 4 hours.

I also think sometimes you have to try and facilitate contact even when the other parent isn't much of a parent. In another few years it becomes less of an issue so this won't be forever.

What about part of journey by train? My DC was doing 2 hour train journeys at 11, I would put them on at my end and grandparents met them at the other, mobile phone in case of problems. Could you send your DD halfway by train and dad collect from station?

NapQueen · 14/07/2018 10:58

She's not ever used public transport

Ever? How long are you planning to mollycoddle her?

RandomMess · 14/07/2018 10:59

Is it an issue for you or DD if she doesn't go?

I honestly wouldn't concede beyond what you have already offered and I would insist on the money before I set off!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:59

There is no way dd would be happy with that.

She's not used public transport ever before so isn't something she would be happy doing. I don't think there is a direct train in any case plus he wouldn't get the ticket.

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 14/07/2018 11:00

What a selfish waste of skin he is. Don’t do it OP, it’s not your problem, just like all the driving you have to do when you have the kids, doesn’t seem to be his problem.

bionicnemonic · 14/07/2018 11:00

Just checking that the maintenance is worked out by the csa?

Longdistance · 14/07/2018 11:00

Fuck that. He moved, he should pick her up.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:02

We don't live in a place where there is much public transport.

She's 12 so doesn't go anywhere where she would need to use it.

She's not mollycoddled, that is a bit rude. She just hasnt had any need to use it so far.

OP posts:
SharronNeedles · 14/07/2018 11:02

NapQueen not everywhere had public transport worth getting!
My little town, you can walk across the whole thing in half an hour, there is one bus which runs from our town to another but DC have no need to go into the other town.

Barbaro · 14/07/2018 11:02

Some people can drive for longer than others. He's moved, he should drive. He can stay at his mums over night abs go back with his daughter the next day. Easy. He's just an idiot and is lazy.

LotToLose · 14/07/2018 11:02

I can’t belive some of the replies!!

No! Absolutely do not do it! You’ll set a precedent and will end up doing this every time.

How do people think couriers or truck drivers cope with 8 hour drives?? He’ll just have to schedule some stops and he’ll be fine.

He’s not pulling his weight as a father, you don’t need to help him.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 11:03

Stop pandering to him.. he's a prick ... Flowers

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:05

A train would be 2 changes and cost anywhere between 30 and 55 pounds.

So- no.

OP posts:
userabcname · 14/07/2018 11:05

I would stick to your guns. Why facilitate contact with an arsehole? I didn't see my arse of a father when I was a child and really don't feel I missed out- I had a fab mum to make up for it! And ffs why have a go at the op over public transport? It's not mollycoddling for an 11/12 yo to not use it. I hadn't at that age - 10 years later I was living abroad and travelling internationally on my own! Let's focus on the deadbeat dad, not the OP's parenting skills, yeah?

Butterymuffin · 14/07/2018 11:07

HE says you're selfish, HE says you're dictating. See what he's doing? Projecting his own behaviour onto you. Don't fall for that. Tell him you do plenty and it's his turn to put himself out for his daughter for a change.

Branleuse · 14/07/2018 11:08

how would she feel to not go?

Returnofthesmileybar · 14/07/2018 11:09

My 12 year old is far from mollycoddled and has never used public transport NapQueen what a shitty comment, maybe open your mind and realise not everyone lives in a city or a place with public transport

Yanbu op just tell him what you have said there and stand your ground

Ginger1982 · 14/07/2018 11:09

I wasn't having a go re public transport, was just asking if it was an option! When I did family law I remember spending 4 hours in court arguing over who was going to pay for a bus to bloody Preston! Soul destroying.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:11

I know it's just another way to try and exert some control.

If she doesn't go we will manage.

He's just give more dates for when he is off and then kicked off as I'm on annual leave then too.

Mine was booked ages ago there is no chance of swapping it now as it's a week away.

But that's me stopping him seeing his child. Apparently.

OP posts: