Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To not drive half way?

94 replies

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:33

Currently locked into an argument with my ex husband.

He's just moved further away and is living 4 hours away, an 8 hour round trip.

He is meant to be having dd for 2 weeks over the summer.

He is sporadic with contact at best. Maybe averages as once a month if we work it out over a few years. He won't have seen her for 2 months by the time she visits. He won't see her till October half term, but that's not for certain.

He pays minimum maintaince which covers nothing ( it keep a reducing as he keeps having children) he doesn't contribute any extras, no clubs, no school uniforms. The maintaince has not increased to reflect his lower amount of contact and has never gone up in 13 years.

He earns double my wage and is is substised housing due to his job.

He has never once done parents evening, sports day, dentist or any usual parenting.

Despite all this he has said it is not fair if I don't meet him half way with the driving. Apparently I am selfish.

I cannot afford to. We are on the breadline despite me working full time. If I did the driving it would mean not paying a bill or not eating.

So- aibu?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 14/07/2018 13:15

You can probably ring CMS for estimate. You have the evidence of how often he sees DD so it should go up x

TeddyIsaHe · 14/07/2018 13:18

You would just put it down as your dd, and he has 3 children he has to maintenance for.

So you would put in a rough estimate of his wage, that he has dd for less than 52 nights a year and then he pays for 3 other children.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood · 14/07/2018 13:21

This is presumably going to be a long-term issue rather than a one-off journey, so I would be inclined to look into preparing your DD to start taking the train by herself as she gets older and moves further into the teenage years. A sensible first step might be for you to take her on the first train and put her safely on to the second, then her father meets her off that second train and they both travel home together on the third. Eventually she will able to do more and more of the journey by herself as it becomes more familiar.

SockMatchmaker · 14/07/2018 13:25

Does she actually want a relationship with him, does she get anything positive out of it at all?
I have to admit I’d just ask her if she wanted to go, if not then that’s that, if she does then re-offer to drive half way on a weekend for petrol money.
He sounds like such hard work, I can’t think what benefit having him in her life brings? What man doesn’t reply to his child’s texts! Surely that requires minimum effort.

endofthelinefinally · 14/07/2018 13:33

Train tickets can be very expensive.
Is he reliable enough to meet her and take her to the station to get the train back?
He doesn't sound at all reliable to me.

m0therofdragons · 14/07/2018 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

m0therofdragons · 14/07/2018 13:38

That's bizarre, sorry my phone flipped threads

Fatted · 14/07/2018 13:39

My DH drives 9.5 hours a day for a living.
8hrs is no hardship.

Your ex moved. It's his responsibility to sort how he sees his own daughter.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 13:51

Just done cms and he is 40 pounds a month under what he should be paying.

OP posts:

Hellohah · 14/07/2018 13:52

gekiort I was like you, running round to ensure DS had a relationship with his dad when his dad couldn't really be bothered (other than to tell people what a good parent he was). DS is 13 now. Decided last year he wanted nothing to do with his Dad because he is well aware that his Dad doesn't actually care that much about him. It hurts DS, but he's drawn a line under it. I think all the running about from me, taking DS to see his Dad gave DS false hope.
Sometimes what is best for the kids isn't always obvious.

jelliebelly · 14/07/2018 13:54

Does dd actually want to go?

He moves away he needs to be the one inconvenienced by the travel. 4 hours each way is not the end of the world - he could dive one evening stay at him mums and drive back the next day. Mil lives that far from us and that's what I or dh do regularly.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 14:06

She wants to go because she wants to see the house and see her step brother.

OP posts:

Premwadee · 14/07/2018 14:41

If you genuinely can't afford it and he's not agreeing to hand over a time that's convenient to you, then you've done your bit of compromising and it's up to him. If he really wants to see her, he'll have to find a way.
I always try to think what would a judge say or a solicitor. Keep being reasonable, offer a compromise or offer something that works for you so that your DD can see her dad. Don't try to obstruct or deliberately say no with no good reason.
You've told him your position, it's over to him now. If he doesn't like it...what's he going to do? Yes DD loses out but that's not your fault!

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 16:37

Very true.

I don't know, I just find it exhausting and upsetting that it's like this all the time.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/07/2018 17:05

He moved further away, his problem. End of story.

HelloEllo · 14/07/2018 17:50

Swing I know you probably don’t mean to, but you’re coming across as very smug.

No, she's comes across as a parent who puts her DC first.

And I'm not saying you aren't, OP.

swingofthings · 14/07/2018 17:55

It’s great that you did all that, but it does not make you a better parent because of it
It made me a parent who considered my children's needs above my own.

The question is, if your DD said she wanted to go and spend time with you family who live that same distance, would you tell her to forget about it because they refused to come to pick her up and take her back? Or would you agree to travel half?

If he should pay more maintenance, then take the steps to get it and maybe use the difference to take your DD half way not for him but for her, so that she can see her half brother.

EscapistTendencies · 14/07/2018 17:56

Honestly it doesn't sound like he's that fussed about maintaining contact or seeing his DD. I predict contact will tail off eventually. Your dd's about to enter her teens, I doubt she's going to want to spend so much time travelling and missing out on stuff with her friends. Don't understand parents who move so far away from their kids unless it's an absolute necessity for work. It's certainly not up to you to being driving for hours on end OP.

RandomMess · 14/07/2018 18:08

As an aside you arrange for her to Skype her brother?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread