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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not drive half way?

94 replies

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:33

Currently locked into an argument with my ex husband.

He's just moved further away and is living 4 hours away, an 8 hour round trip.

He is meant to be having dd for 2 weeks over the summer.

He is sporadic with contact at best. Maybe averages as once a month if we work it out over a few years. He won't have seen her for 2 months by the time she visits. He won't see her till October half term, but that's not for certain.

He pays minimum maintaince which covers nothing ( it keep a reducing as he keeps having children) he doesn't contribute any extras, no clubs, no school uniforms. The maintaince has not increased to reflect his lower amount of contact and has never gone up in 13 years.

He earns double my wage and is is substised housing due to his job.

He has never once done parents evening, sports day, dentist or any usual parenting.

Despite all this he has said it is not fair if I don't meet him half way with the driving. Apparently I am selfish.

I cannot afford to. We are on the breadline despite me working full time. If I did the driving it would mean not paying a bill or not eating.

So- aibu?

OP posts:

BettyDuMonde · 14/07/2018 11:58

Actually, correction, DH pays more than the calculator because we don’t take off for the other kids, nor the nights we have her (which while not weekly, do accumulate if we have her for most of the six week holiday, for example).

takeittakeit · 14/07/2018 11:58

Dont give in - I used to drive my DCS to see their father when he and his DP could be arsed to agree to a weekend.
On a Friday after school - just under 2 hrs there and anything from 3-4 hrs on the way back - I was knackered at the end of it. Was not even allowed in the house for a pee. WOuld have tod rive to the nearest petrol station and have one. It was demeaning and vile and all about control.

Do not do it - he moved, he drives or he starts paying what he should.

TabbyMumz · 14/07/2018 12:03

Napqueen...it's far from mollycoddling for her to have not used public transport on her own (that's how I read it). If families own cars, there's no need to be sending your children on public transport. I think my daughter was much older when she first got on the bus to town with friends.

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/07/2018 12:06

What does your DD want? Does she want to see him?

swingofthings · 14/07/2018 12:06

Are you sure your feelings towards your x aren't getting in the way here? Yes he sounds like a waste of space but surely your DD wants to see him? I'd be doing everything I could to facilitate that and make sure DD wasn't involved in any arguments.
I'm wondering this too. You've mentioned more about the petrol than you have about your DD's feelings as to whether she wants to go or not. The petrol argument doesn't hold because if she doesn't go, you'll have to feed her for two weeks and that will probably cost the same than the petrol (in addition to what you would be likely to spend on her whilst on holiday).

I do agree that he sounds like a loser, but it really should be up to your DD to decide whether she wants a relationship with him or not at all. If she hasn't explicitly said that she doesn't want to go, then I think you should make the effort, not for him, certainly NOT for him, but for your daughter.

I took my kids to their dad every single weekend for years until they could go on public transport and paid for all of it every single week despite getting not a penny in maintenance. It was totally unfair on me, but I reminded myself each time I felt like exploding that I did it for them.

They are now older and I'm so grateful I did because however they feel about their dad, I know that it has nothing to do with me and I did everything in my power to encourage them to bond and that feeling is priceless.

Pluckedpencil · 14/07/2018 12:08

Well given my dh has just done a 6 hour drive on a Friday to take our ds to grandparents to stay, and will then drive back alone on the Sunday to go to work the next day, I'd say 4 hours can clearly be done. It's the least he can do. He can visit his mum for a night too. Win win.

lifeisabeachsometimes · 14/07/2018 12:08

My dd is 13 and hasn't used public transport, not every child is ready for trains etc on their own for a four hour journey! So no way should you even consider it.

He choose to move that far away knowing he would have to travel to see his child, given that was his (and not yours or dds) choice it is now down to him to find a way to collect her and drop her home safely. I would not facilitate in any way. Rod and own back spring to mind.

You will end up having to do this every single time he wants to see her indefinitely. Start as you mean to go on and say no.

You are neither selfish nor unhelpful. This is not your problem Op.

lifeisabeachsometimes · 14/07/2018 12:11

swingofthings I am sure your ex dp was delighted you did all of the running around for years and he could sit back and do nothing at all. Why was it your job to create the 'priceless' bonding between your ex and your dc? Surely that was his job no?

TeddyIsaHe · 14/07/2018 12:15

Op, go through CMS. Even if he refuses to engage they work out payments on his last tax year, there is no need for them to talk to him. Request collect and pay, give them his details and they will do it all for you.

And don’t bow down to him. You know you’re in the right by not driving dd down there. Don’t engage, just say “I will make sure dd is available on so and so day” and leave it at that. If he turns up, great, if not it doesn’t matter. Make sure you do it all via email/text so you have records. And just ignore any histrionics, he’ll try and make you feel bad because that’s what men like that do. Ignore and rise above it. There’s a reason they’re the ex!

OlennasWimple · 14/07/2018 12:21

Is there somewhere sensible that you could meet up part way? Like a motorway service station one hour down the road from you / three hours from him?

Jaxhog · 14/07/2018 12:22

He moved, so he does the drive. That is what a family court would tell him. Sounds like you need to go back to court both for this and increased maintenance.

RestingBitchFaced · 14/07/2018 12:30

It was his choice to move so it's up to him to drive. Just say no and keep repeating until he gets the message

gekiort · 14/07/2018 12:31

cannot believe the posters who say you should be indulging the fucker for the "sake of the kids." No wonder exes take the piss!

It's not about indulging anyone, nor is it about personal feelings between the Ex and the OP, it's about the CHILD.

The sake of my DC would always take priority over the EX being ridiculous in his request. Because ultimately I am a better person and would do everything in my power to help my DC maintain a relationship with their father, irrespective of how unjust it was.

swingofthings · 14/07/2018 12:36

I am sure your ex dp was delighted you did all of the running around for years and he could sit back and do nothing at all. Why was it your job to create the 'priceless' bonding between your ex and your dc? Surely that was his job no?
You make it sound like this was all about me and/or him. It wasn't, it was about what was best for my kids. Did he benefit from it? Obviously, at least at the time, does it mean that I shouldn't have done what was best for them so that he would be punished as he deserved to be? No.

It saddens me so much to read or hear so often that their decision of what to do or not do is based more on the negative impact it will have on their ex than the positive impact it will have on their kids.

My job and always remain to do best by my kids, regardless of whether or not anyone else benefited from it too.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 12:37

I do everything for my dd. All of the parenting, all of the time.

He doesn't even reply to her texts when she does send them ( which is only when I nag her to)

I can't make him be a better person than he is by willing it to happen and it seems stupid to invest time and money Into that.

If they had a different relationship then it might be different.

OP posts:

Premwadee · 14/07/2018 12:39

It could backfire on the OP going through the CMS. If her ex is self employed he may declare less and therefore pay less. There are other loopholes too so it's not always the best option if she is already receiving something.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 12:39

And are your kids thankful of it? It doesn't sound like they are him now?

I'm not stopping him from seeing her I just won't do the driving because I can't bloody afford to and don't have the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 12:39

He isn't self employed.

OP posts:

m0therofdragons · 14/07/2018 12:45

he said I'm dictating

Hell yeah, you have every right to. When he starts parenting then he can have a say but in the current situation he doesn't know dd well enough so you call the shots.

No idea on legal terms but I hate this kind of shitty parent with a passion.

rainingcatsanddog · 14/07/2018 12:53

he said I'm dictating

You can't drive the car without petrol or if you're at work. How is that dictating (?)
Your offer to drive if he pays for petrol is more than reasonable. Don't give in to his behaviour or you'll be setting a precedent for future visits to his.

Lots of jobs involve driving 8 hours. If he can't do it then he'll have to stay at his mum's overnight or something.

TeddyIsaHe · 14/07/2018 13:02

Swing I know you probably don’t mean to, but you’re coming across as very smug. It’s great that you did all that, but it does not make you a better parent because of it. Op is doing absolutely nothin wrong, she’s not preventing her ex from seeing dd, but she can’t magic petrol or money from thin air. If he truly, truly cared about his dd, he would do everything within his power to see her. He’s not doing that.

Jaxhog · 14/07/2018 13:02

I get that Op wants to facilitate her DD seeing her Dad, but why is it acceptable for the OP to drive for 8 hours, and the ex not?

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/07/2018 13:05

I can’t believe the suggestion that a twelve year old girl should attempt public transport miles from home all by herself. What if there was a problem and she got lost?

We live out in the sticks and I drive everywhere. Dd will be getting a bus for big school next term but it picks up on our road and lots of her school friends will be on it and it will go to school and back. I think that’s enough public transport for a child.

We did do a park and ride on holiday once so she has been on a bus. And school trips, obviously.

Op if he wanted to move away from his child then tough tits on him, he can run around after her. He doesn’t get to move the goalposts and then dictate the terms.

RandomMess · 14/07/2018 13:07

As he isn't self employed just go to CMS they will do a deduction of earnings if he won't engage.

Look at the on line calculator and see how much you estimate he should be paying.

Original poster

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 13:10

I can't work out the cms calculator and his circumstances don't fit.

He has my dd..

A child with another woman

And 2 dcs at home.

He does it as 2 out of home ( to one person) and splits the cost in 2.

I don't think that can be right and it's still not right as it doesn't account for the change/ drop of contact.

OP posts:

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