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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive half way?

94 replies

Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 10:33

Currently locked into an argument with my ex husband.

He's just moved further away and is living 4 hours away, an 8 hour round trip.

He is meant to be having dd for 2 weeks over the summer.

He is sporadic with contact at best. Maybe averages as once a month if we work it out over a few years. He won't have seen her for 2 months by the time she visits. He won't see her till October half term, but that's not for certain.

He pays minimum maintaince which covers nothing ( it keep a reducing as he keeps having children) he doesn't contribute any extras, no clubs, no school uniforms. The maintaince has not increased to reflect his lower amount of contact and has never gone up in 13 years.

He earns double my wage and is is substised housing due to his job.

He has never once done parents evening, sports day, dentist or any usual parenting.

Despite all this he has said it is not fair if I don't meet him half way with the driving. Apparently I am selfish.

I cannot afford to. We are on the breadline despite me working full time. If I did the driving it would mean not paying a bill or not eating.

So- aibu?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 14/07/2018 11:12

I understand not everyone lives in a city/town but to have never got on a bus/metro/tram/train ever in her 12 years? Ever? For a day trip or on holiday or just as an experience?

HelloEllo · 14/07/2018 11:13

Are you sure your feelings towards your x aren't getting in the way here? Yes he sounds like a waste of space but surely your DD wants to see him? I'd be doing everything I could to facilitate that and make sure DD wasn't involved in any arguments.

As far as affording it goes, I'm a lp who works full time too (less than 15k a year). I don't get any money from my x and although we can't afford holidays etc we get by. I sometimes have to cut back on shopping etc (no treats, just the basics) when I'm short but I've never had to choose between petrol and basic food.

Don't let any negative feelings towards your x get in the way of your DD's relationship with her dad. Sometimes we have to be the bigger person for the sake of our DC, it's bloody frustrating but our DC come first.

BewareOfDragons · 14/07/2018 11:14

I would just refuse to engage with that part of the discussion. "What time will you be collecting her? I'll make sure she's here." Repeat as necessary.

Angrybird345 · 14/07/2018 11:16

No. He collects her. Stand your ground.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:19

I've never seen a tram myself!

Shes been on an open top bus and we have caught the train to London a few times. But I drive.

So don't use public transport ( which is more expensive)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/07/2018 11:20

Let him take you to court - laughs hysterically at thought of him bothering and actually dipping his hand in his pocket!!!

All the more insane that he could combine it with visiting his Mum!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:20

If we had a relationship with her dad or might be different but even he says it's very strained.

He isn't nice. She doesn't like him. She does like her step brother though.

OP posts:
Popchyk · 14/07/2018 11:21

I'd compromise slightly and drop her at his mum's 12 miles away.

And then he or a relative can take it from there.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:22

And we does come first. Obviously.

And I don't usually have to choose between petrol and food but I would if I suddenly had to start doing 4 hour round trip on a regular basis!

OP posts:
Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:23

His mum is 12 miles further 😂

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 14/07/2018 11:25

It is a 4 hour drive each way. Not 8.
I used to drive my dc to visit family 4 hours away regularly. No problems, even when they were 2 and 4 years old.
He moved. All you have to do is make your child available for contact. Make sure all communication is documented by email or text.
If he wants to take you to court he can pay for it. He won't.
My only concern is that he will refuse to bring her back.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2018 11:25

Popchyks idea is a good one.

Ignore what he says. Of course he's going to say you are being unreasonable, he's not getting his own way.

Popchyk · 14/07/2018 11:26

Oh, sorry OP.

Daft idea then.

Just keep reiterating that she'll be ready to be picked up on X date at Y time. Don't involve yourself outside of that.

NotTheFordType · 14/07/2018 11:27

Just keep repeating "No that doesn't work for me. I can't afford it." Broken record technique. Don't get drawn into arguments or justify yourself.

EG if he says "Why can't you afford it" just say "That's irrelevant. I can't."

"Why are you stopping me from seeing my child?" you reply "I'm not. You can pick her up on X day at 3pm."

Broken record, every single time. Don't speak on the phone, do everything through text and email.

gekiort · 14/07/2018 11:32

He is a dick and you should not ha e to do this, however, I'm afraid I would have to be the better person for the sake of my DC.

Premwadee · 14/07/2018 11:37

Have you told him you can't afford the petrol? Either he offers to pay towards petrol or he fetches her. If he really wants to see her he'll work it out.
Lucky this is not a regular thing but I'd definitely try to find some sort of compromise (however unfair the whole thing is). She will get to see her stepbrother, think of it that way.

Cornishclio · 14/07/2018 11:40

I would say no too especially if she is not really excited to see him. He sounds like a rubbish dad. Will it pose a problem for you if she doesn't go? Is she able to be left alone at home when you are working or will you incur childcare costs? That is the only reason I would be helping him at all. He moved so he has to incur the extra costs. If he does not pay full maintenance he wont give you petrol money.

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:43

I have told him I can't afford the petrol.

I have said if he gives me petrol money I will do it but it will have to be a weekend as there is no way I can do that on a week night after work.

He says that is dictating to him

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 14/07/2018 11:45

I cannot believe the posters who say you should be indulging the fucker for the "sake of the kids." No wonder exes take the piss!

No, you should not!

Agree with other PPs. Do not set a precedent and be clear about when she is available.

Hoppinggreen · 14/07/2018 11:48

My 13 year old hasn’t been on public transport on her own, just the train with me a couple of times
She’s not mollycoddled, I don’t use public transport so why should she unless she specifically asks to?
Anyway OP, he moved so he should do the travelling

starzig · 14/07/2018 11:49

Although YANBU. I would just agree so that your daughter can see her dad. She is the most important thing in this.

QueenArseClangers · 14/07/2018 11:50

Do posters whinging about him having to drive 8 hours not realise that he can drive the 4 hours the day before, stay overnight local to OP then drive DD back to his the next day?

QueenArseClangers · 14/07/2018 11:52

Have you informed CM that the wanker has her les overnights than he claims?
Don’t budge OP. He can pull his weight for once and do the traveling.

BettyDuMonde · 14/07/2018 11:54

We live 4 hours away from DSD and her mum. DH drives an 8 hour round trip to collect and the same to drop off every 3rd weekend and we have DSD for as much of all of the school holiday as her mum wants us to (she works long hours and I’m at home more than she is so we often have DSD for the majority).

DH pays maintenance according to the calculator, plus the costs of collection/drop off and towards swimming/guitar etc.

This sometimes leaves things a bit tight at our end, but it was DH that moved away, so why should his ex be inconvenienced by that decision?

So, from a woman in a similar position to your exes current partner, no, you are not being unreasonable and your ex should pull his bloody socks up!

Original poster
Quiddichcup · 14/07/2018 11:55

I have not as yet. He doesn't pay via them. He refuses to engage with them. I have tried in the past.

His solution to the problem is that we just goes and live with him full time. This is something he has threatened since she was born. It would never happen but is still not nice.

OP posts: