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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO pissed off about this?

85 replies

spiral4940 · 13/07/2018 20:14

Since we moved in together, me and my partner have a joint account to pay the rent, bills, and food. We put a set about in every month, and have our own separate accounts to buy things for ourselves, including meals out, treats, clothes etc etc.

We budget about £40 a week for food. I checked our bank statement today and saw he spent £25 on the joint account in Asda a few days ago, but I don't remember him bringing any food back. I've confronted him and he said he spent it on fizzy drinks, cakes, and paid for his mum's shopping?! Confused

I'm fuming! If I was going to buy any of these things I would put it on MY card, not the joint account. I don't see why I should pay for these things, or his mum's shopping?? Hmm I've used the joint account here and there for household items when he's not been there, only about £3-4, and he's questioned me about this so I'm really annoyed about it.

He doesn't see the issue. ugh Angry

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 13/07/2018 20:16

Are you objecting the him buying junk food or his mum's shopping?

HollowTalk · 13/07/2018 20:17

He sees the joint money as his money, doesn't he?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2018 20:17

He’s being a hypocrite, which is an issue.

Plumsmith · 13/07/2018 20:18

I would expect his mum to pay back, if she is going to then I don’t see the problem with it being on a joint account.

We budget £60 a week for food and cleaning products, and it’s almost always gone at the end of the week. You need to agree whether snacks and treats will come out of the joint account or if they’ll need to be bought separately.

Personally i believe in ‘what’s mine is yours’ especially if you’re living together and pooling your money. Just make sure you’re both on the same page for the future

LaGattaNera · 13/07/2018 20:18

He is a hypocrite. I'd not pay anything to the joint account and just transfer the necessary 50% required at the relevant time so you can avoid paying for his treats and his mum. However, stuff like this is a red flag I would say. Some people never see the issue or rather they say they don't see the issue - he probably does but wouldn't admit that to you. Can you buy something for you mum on joint account and have same reply ready when he notices???

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/07/2018 20:20

Withdraw £25 from the cash point as personal spends?

Original poster
spiral4940 · 13/07/2018 20:21

Both @MsVestibule

His mum won't pay it back @Plumsmith, they were at the tills and he offered to put it through as one transaction

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 13/07/2018 20:26

Good grief, if you're both going to quibble like this over this amount of money then there's no hope here tbh. Both of you, that means. Who interrogates someone over £3/4 and who would have an axe to grind over someone buying their mum some crisps. Utterly exhausting.

LaMainDeFatima · 13/07/2018 20:26

I’m going to be controversial here and say that was a nice thing to do for his mum.

Typhers · 13/07/2018 20:28

So a guy that does a nice gesture for his mother is vilified on here 🤔

Dljlr · 13/07/2018 20:28

My ex would take me for dinner, allow me to thank him, then it'd show up on the joint statement Hmm He ought to replace it or, if he can't grasp the simple concept of what it's for, put more in to pay for the crap he buys without you.

iklboo · 13/07/2018 20:31

I’m going to be controversial here and say that was a nice thing to do for his mum.

It was - but why out of the joint account and not his own money?

starzig · 13/07/2018 20:33

I'm with vladimirs. Really isn't an amount to get upset over. You cannot go about trying to account for every penny in a joint account. You will end up constantly arguing when 1 buys something the other deems unnecessary.

Original poster
spiral4940 · 13/07/2018 20:33

@Typhers obviously he can buy stuff for his mum, that's nothing to do with me, but it is when it's my money!

OP posts:
LaGattaNera · 13/07/2018 20:35

OP's DP was the one who started all the interrogation and nit picking over a smaller amount on an earlier occasion.

starzig · 13/07/2018 20:36

We have a more laid back approach. He does rent, I do bills I occasionally buy some stuff, he occasionally buys other stuff. We don't overanalyse who has spent what. Works for us. We have never argued over money.

Littletabbyocelot · 13/07/2018 20:39

£25 might not be a lot to be upset over for some but if your food budget is £40, you now have £15 to eat for the week. So if that really is all you have available either you don't eat or one of you makes it up from your personal account. He has no right to put you in that position to treat his mum. I'd be fuming too.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2018 20:40

Could you afford to pay it?

This affects my answer.

If you are skint - then def YANBU

If you can easily afford it then YABU - you help the ones you love

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2018 20:41

He’s welcome to buy his mum anything he wants to. With his own money.

Otherwise it’s a gift from OP as well which she’s had no say in.

That’s ridiculous.

RB68 · 13/07/2018 20:42

It a lovely gesture when done with his own money, not out of the joint account when on a tight budget

SugarIsAmazing · 13/07/2018 20:43

You confronted him rather than just asking.
Do you always keep such rigidity with the finances?
It'd be a bit different if he was gambling but he just bought a few bits for his mum.

viques · 13/07/2018 20:43

vladimir it was £25 , over 50% of the food budget , but no food to show for it! I can see why the OP was miffed, especially as he doesn't seem to think it is a problem.

missymayhemsmum · 13/07/2018 20:44

Sounds like your issue is that there's one rule for you and one for him with regard to the joint money? That's what you need to confront. If you had done the same would he think it was not an issue? Nice that he wants to treat his mum, though.

Grandadwasthatyou · 13/07/2018 20:46

He can treat his mum as much as he wants if he uses his money as far as I'm concerned.

Crunchymum · 13/07/2018 20:51

Did the cakes and fizzy drinks make it home???