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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be SO pissed off about this?

85 replies

spiral4940 · 13/07/2018 20:14

Since we moved in together, me and my partner have a joint account to pay the rent, bills, and food. We put a set about in every month, and have our own separate accounts to buy things for ourselves, including meals out, treats, clothes etc etc.

We budget about £40 a week for food. I checked our bank statement today and saw he spent £25 on the joint account in Asda a few days ago, but I don't remember him bringing any food back. I've confronted him and he said he spent it on fizzy drinks, cakes, and paid for his mum's shopping?! Confused

I'm fuming! If I was going to buy any of these things I would put it on MY card, not the joint account. I don't see why I should pay for these things, or his mum's shopping?? Hmm I've used the joint account here and there for household items when he's not been there, only about £3-4, and he's questioned me about this so I'm really annoyed about it.

He doesn't see the issue. ugh Angry

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 13/07/2018 21:57

Has Oh told you why it’s ok to do this, but queries £3 on a household stuff when you spend it? It’s not what was agreed. If you let this go without a great big fuss then he will do it again and personally I’d make him repay at least his mums shopping if not all

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 13/07/2018 21:57

FFS. No he should not be spending out of the joint account for joint household expenses unless it’s actually something for the household, or with your agreement, or such small amounts that it’s negligible.

If he wants to be a sweetheart and treat his mum he can do so out of his own spends, or you can have the equivalent from the household spends to piss away on whatever you feel like.

The hypocrisy is ridiculous and I would pull him right up on that!

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2018 21:59

If he doesn't see the issue, then it's going to happen again.

It might be the start of a load of piss taking.

I'd have a plan, if you need to split, at the ready.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 13/07/2018 22:04

Personally it wouldn’t bother me, but neither would I expect to be questioned about my own use of the joint account. And if you have a food budget of £40 pw I’m guessing this is money you can’t afford to lose.
Do you have enough left in the joint account now for your food for the week? If not, clearly he needs to make up the shortfall...

LighthouseSouth · 13/07/2018 22:05

He should pay for his mum from his money

Btw did you see any of the fizzy drinks or cakes, sorry, I might be confused.

nothanksbyenow · 13/07/2018 22:07

Definitely a red flag- my horrible ex, after we split up, boasted that he’d used money from our joint account to send to his mum (who was happy sponge off all her kids), leaving us with no disposable income. He always used to ‘lose’ our statements so I could never check.
Whatever he’s taking money from the joint account for, it should be for a jointly agreed purpose. End of.

MadMags · 13/07/2018 22:09

This is not sweet or lovely or generous.

Not only has he spent over half the food budget on someone else (why couldn’t he use his own money?) but he has questioned OP about £3!!!

Fuck that, OP. He owes £25 into the joint account!

StillNoClue · 13/07/2018 22:18

Maybe set the 'rules' on dipping into the joint account. He may have seen those additional £4/£5 purchases and assumed you had bought yourself treats etc.

If you don't want him dipping into the account maybe mention this. Personally I wouldn't think anything of it, if dp did this. I'd probably do exactly the same as he's done and not think anything of it. I literally couldn't be bothered enough to even mention it to dp. He's a grown adult and I'm not going to squabble over a couple of quid,

If your finances are tight and that £25 meant you had to cut Back, then yes you have every right to be annoyed.

DaisyChops · 13/07/2018 22:19

My DH 'accidentally' linked his amazon account to our joint account 😱

Maybe you could try that approach?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 13/07/2018 22:24

simple really. Don’t have joint monies

melonscoffer · 13/07/2018 22:24

When this current week's forty pounds goes in you must immediately spend twenty five of it on anything that takes your fancy.

Men don't listen to words. They remember actions.

He'll say you are being childish, unreasonable and he'll get angry,
However he won't forget.

melonscoffer · 13/07/2018 22:27

To add to my post above, have you considered internet food shopping?
You can, together, spend a significant amount of your joint food budget online, then just get milk etc through the week.

MouseholeCat · 13/07/2018 22:31

How did he react when you gave him the explanation for the £3-4 expenses? Was he okay with that once you explained, or still arsey?

How did you raise this issue this time? Calmly? Or were you already pissed off before that?

It's not always easy learning to communicate well over shared finances, and it can draw out a lot of pre-existing issues if you have different approaches to money.

MouseholeCat · 13/07/2018 22:34

As an afternote- DH once accidentally bought me a present using my card. It did spoil the surprise! A year later I accidentally selected his credit card for something. Both times it was through Amazon. We didn't get angry about it though.

Lollypop701 · 13/07/2018 22:35

melonscoffer how absolutely true

Graphista · 13/07/2018 22:36

"£25 might not be a lot to be upset over for some but if your food budget is £40, you now have £15 to eat for the week. So if that really is all you have available either you don't eat or one of you makes it up from your personal account. He has no right to put you in that position to treat his mum. I'd be fuming too"

This £25 IS a lot if you're on a tight budget. Those of you saying its a trivial amount - calculate I think that's around 60% of op's grocery budget. What's 60% of your grocery budget and do you STILL think it's a trivial amount?

Also the principle - he didn't think it was ok for op to spend from joint account without his consent, so why is it ok for HIM to spend it - and up to 5 X more too?

No - it works both ways. If the agreement is that's only to be used for spending they BOTH agree on BEFORE its spent that applies to him too.

He needs to transfer that amount to the joint account from his personal account.

As for 'nice thing to do for his mum' there's also the issue of it being very easy to be generous with SOMEONE ELSE'S money.

And yes £15 for the weeks groceries - how many of those saying op being unreasonable could manage that?

He's a hypocritical piss taker and I'd have been very pissed off too.

"It sounds like your DH has a “What’s mine is mine, and what’s thine is mine too”, attitude. I’d be considering closing that joint account pronto." I agree. I'd also be worried if he's a spendthrift, likes to play mr generosity without it impacting him. Does he have debt?

Definitely NOT a sweetheart!

FASH84 · 13/07/2018 22:40

You need to agree if it's a joint account or a bills account. If it's bills it's only for necessary household bills, not treats or gifts etc, but you decide mutually you can't police each other like this it's unhealthy. Does he question what you buy as food? Are there things you buy that are non essential but you like, or you like a more expensive brand? That's no different to his sweets and drinks

Hygge · 13/07/2018 22:42

Is it possible he put it on his card but she gave him the cash on the spot and he hasn't told you that bit?

Cornishclio · 13/07/2018 22:43

It is not quibbling over petty stuff if the OPs budget is tight. It is £25 not £3 or £4 as he questioned the OP about. If the weekly food shop is £40 and he has spent more than 50% of that on essentially nothing then that is a big deal.

As it was not joint food then he should have used his own money. Try doing the same and then see whether he thinks there is an issue then.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 13/07/2018 22:49

If he - and you - have your own accounts for treats, meals out and clothes then you should probably consider putting more of that money into your joint account

Graphista · 13/07/2018 22:53

Terrible suggestion to put MORE money into the joint account when op can't trust him to be considerate and careful when spending from it.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 13/07/2018 22:54

Of course YANBU. It would be one thing if he said "oops I should have used my own money I'll replace it" but he hasn't.

MyKingdomForACaramel · 13/07/2018 22:58

It sounds like this type of joint account isn’t working out for you - the quibbling by him over £3 items and your worry over this amount makes me think you should perhaps solely have your joint finances for actual direct debit bills. Then possibly shop together if possible and then have your own “treats” on the side as it sounds like you don’t have this defined, and that you both care about this sort of stuff

AlecTrevelyan006 · 13/07/2018 22:59

The OP has implied that money is tight but also implied they have access to other money for non-essential spending. So if they put money into the joint account (or better still, all of it) then it would be easier to keep track of everything and the occasional expenditure on another family member wouldn’t be a problem.

kateandme · 13/07/2018 23:06

could you ratio it up so it makes it more money and then hald that gone.he might be quibbling because he sees it as 25 which to some not on tight budget or aware of what thaa tight budget means wouldn't quibble over.
where as if you had a grand in budget no 40 and he spent half that.hed then see that 500 is huge amount to spend!
does that make any sense!i fear not lol
it works in my head I swear.