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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be SO pissed off about this?

85 replies

spiral4940 · 13/07/2018 20:14

Since we moved in together, me and my partner have a joint account to pay the rent, bills, and food. We put a set about in every month, and have our own separate accounts to buy things for ourselves, including meals out, treats, clothes etc etc.

We budget about £40 a week for food. I checked our bank statement today and saw he spent £25 on the joint account in Asda a few days ago, but I don't remember him bringing any food back. I've confronted him and he said he spent it on fizzy drinks, cakes, and paid for his mum's shopping?! Confused

I'm fuming! If I was going to buy any of these things I would put it on MY card, not the joint account. I don't see why I should pay for these things, or his mum's shopping?? Hmm I've used the joint account here and there for household items when he's not been there, only about £3-4, and he's questioned me about this so I'm really annoyed about it.

He doesn't see the issue. ugh Angry

OP posts:
bluebeck · 13/07/2018 20:53

I presume OPs DP had his own bank card with him when out shopping with his mother.

It's very easy to be generous with other peoples money.

usernamefromhell · 13/07/2018 20:53

what Vladimir said. Life is too short to bean count like that over such a small amount of money. If it was £100 I'd have raised an eyebrow. But fighting over three or four pounds is just utterly draining.

I think it was marginally cheeky of him and he should probably have paid for his mum's shopping out of his own account. But if you have a paddy about stuff as trivial as this its just going to ware you both down and suck the joy out of living together.

Sprogletsmuvva · 13/07/2018 20:54

The not nitpicking only works if both parties go off-piste equally, though. Or if the person being bought for does a lot for the couple so the other half is happy to be treating them occasionally.

I was with some people once, closer to my DP, and we all went to the cinema — DP’s treat. As we were next to a Sainsbo’s, I offered to get us all pizzas. As the stuff was about to go through the till, one woman said, “Nearly forgot, need to get some tights for DD for school “, and dropped them on the conveyor next to the pizzas. There was no-one behind me, so it wasn’t a matter of saving time, and neither did she offer to pay me back. Yes it was only a few £, but this left a bit of a bad taste with me.

namechangemaestro · 13/07/2018 20:58

You sound about 17. Choose your battles is my advice

cricketmum84 · 13/07/2018 20:58

I think you probably shouldn't have a joint account to be honest. My money and your money type arguments are never gonna end well.

Mrskeats · 13/07/2018 21:00

Some people have too much time on their hands clearly.
I would not have the energy to be quibbling over £25. It doesn't sound like you are a couple with that attitude.

BewareOfDragons · 13/07/2018 21:02

He questions you and complains about £3-4 expenditures for yourself, but thinks what he's done is perfectly reasonable?

Wow

He clearly thinks he's better than you are and is worth more... wow.

CheesendPickles · 13/07/2018 21:03

I wouldn't personally see it as a problem. Maybe he didn't have his bank card on him? If you put in equal amounts of money into the account it's €12.50 of your money not worth falling out over imo. Just ask him calmly not to do it again.

Plantlover · 13/07/2018 21:04

Mrskeats

Or some people live on far less than you do and have to worry about every pound.

Not sure why some people cannot understand that people's circumstances are vastly different than their own.

Mrskeats · 13/07/2018 21:09

It's not the money though is it? It's all this being separate business. It does not bode well imho.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 21:11

I think he should have spent his own money. But I'd be tempted to let it go as a one off if it weren't for him questioning you spending £3-4 out of the same account on yourself. That's what makes it out of line as far as I'm concerned.

He doesn't see the issue, you do. Further discussion is needed between the two of you to decide exactly what that account should be used for or, mark my words, your going to start seeing more of this, lunches/drinks for himself and/or his mates, more shopping for mum, etc.

Ask him if he would be 'ok' with you paying for your mum's shopping out of joint funds. Of course, at this point he'll say he'd be fine with it since he's already done it, so when he does go buy your mum something nice.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2018 21:13

your=you're

Lunde · 13/07/2018 21:17

Ask him to repay the joint account or do the food shopping from his personal account.

Maryann1975 · 13/07/2018 21:18

It wouldn’t bother dh or I if we spent £25 on our parents, but we deal with our money differently and pool it all and spend what we want out of it. And we can afford a £25 gift without worrying about how we are going to eat for the rest of the week if we do this.
The way your finances seem to be organised, dh should have had his own bank account fo rather gift to his mother and he should be replacing the money back into the joint account.
If he doesn’t do this, I think you need to be looking closely at your relationship- is he always a bit controlling of his own money while freely spending yours? What is the earnings divide betweeen the two of your wages (if you earn considerably more, does he feel you should be contributing more/if he earns more, does he feel he is subsidising you?)
If you both have low wages and £25 is a massive amount to you, I think you need to be questioning why he thinks you can afford £25 for an unplanned gift.

Bcjek · 13/07/2018 21:23

If OP has a joint account then the answer is in the question... joint account then joint agreement surely? Don't spend one persons money without agreeing with joint partner.

Stormy76 · 13/07/2018 21:27

Nitpicking over money isn't going to end well, try and come to an agreement about the money in the joint acct, he really should replace the money that was spent. If you can't then you may need to get some relationship counselling. Petty behaviour in a relationship will only cause more and more arguments.

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2018 21:27

He's spent over 50% of the weekly budget with nothing to show for it.

You could all afford to stand that hit could you?

Gemini69 · 13/07/2018 21:29

lots of Posts missing OP's point entirely .... as per Hmm

Babdoc · 13/07/2018 21:36

This is why my DH and I never set up a joint account. We kept our money separate, and agreed between us on suitable contributions to bills or presents, etc.
It sounds like your DH has a “What’s mine is mine, and what’s thine is mine too”, attitude. I’d be considering closing that joint account pronto.

Winebottle · 13/07/2018 21:36

There are no right or wrong ways of doing joint finances but you need to figure out your rules and stick to them. This just seems to be a lack of communication.

We used to pay for groceries that come home out of the joint account and other food out of personal but later changed it to all food.

Similarly, treating parents came from our own accounts but now it doesn't.

You do need to have some common understanding of what is reasonable in terms of budget.

£20 each a week for food seems like very low to me.

Yogagirl123 · 13/07/2018 21:41

He sounds a sweetheart. Not worth falling out over a few pounds.

Gemini69 · 13/07/2018 21:43

He sounds a sweetheart

a Sweetheart would have used his OWN money Flowers

speakout · 13/07/2018 21:44

I can't see this relationship working.

If you are quibbling over such petty stuff.

Setting up home together was probably not the best move.

NoelHeadbands · 13/07/2018 21:49

Since when does spending someone else’s money make someone a sweetheart?

If he wants to treat his mum he needs to do it with his own cash.

Sprogletsmuvva · 13/07/2018 21:49

Funny old place, MN. You get stories of parents who CBA to drop 20p and 3 minutes sorting breakfast for the children they have chosen to be legally and morally responsible for, and it’s all “ But, poverty, don’t judge.” Then someone sorts out a low but realistic food budget, their perfectly capable partner blows over half of it (and over a month ‘s worth of cheap kids brekkies) on his stuff, and she is told she ‘s quibbling over peanuts...?