He says the OW is "crazy"

[NCforthisquestion]

Hi,

NC for this.

A friend caught her DH having an emotional affair a few months ago with a much younger OW. The nature of this was texts, very lovey dovey and emotional. Since then he has made the necessary moves to put this right and work at his marriage. He insists there was no physical contact and no meeting up outside of the workplace ever.

Fast forward to last week when my friend discovered (by accessing his phone after finding his pin) that he has made a call to the OW that day. Very little evidence of other contact between them.

Friend has confronted her DH and after denying it completely he eventually admitted the call and said that the OW won't leave him alone, that she is "crazy" and obsessed with him and that despite blanking her he can't shake her off.

I want to believe this and to be able to encourage my friend that this is a plausible explanation for the sake of saving her marriage. I am also wary of advising her wrongly and fuelling a situation that just may not need to happen because he could be telling the truth.

I just want her to be happy and feel secure in her relationship like she used to so any advice on how I can help her with that welcome.

But AIBU that those caught cheating often say the OW is crazy, a loon, obsessed, put it on a plate etc?

I know that's what my exDP said to me when he was caught and it just sounds a bit convenient for him to me.

Thoughts please. AIBU not to believe that the OW is obsessed and crazy?

I think sadly it is more likely he is still cheating and covering his arse. If she is so crazy then why is he the one calling her?

I suspect like you he's lying. The calls would be the other way round if she was chasing him.

Well, if she’s the crazy stalker obsessed who won’t leave him alone, how come he’s the one who made the call?

They're always 'crazy' aren't they?

He’s full of shit.

He could have blocked her number so she can’t ring him and blocked her everywhere on social media, even changed his number if it came to it.

It’s still going on and I’m glad friend knows.

That was my thought. So many "crazy" OW out there!

He said he called her on that one day and one day only to tell her to back off as he had had a text from her saying she was going to turn up to an event he is attending at the weekend and he rang to tell her no, she's not welcome

I bet it has been more than just an emotional affair too.
Your poor friend. I suspect he has been lying to his wife and the OW

Why Did He have to call her? Why could he not have sent a message?

Sounds like there is still something going on.

Reality is, he's probably tell the OW that his DW is "crazy" too.

He’s lying. I’d bet my last tenner on it. He’s still in contact with her.

I hope it was just an emotional affair, but again it is possible that it was more. My friend is no pushover and he knows this, she won't let him walk all over her. He knows this and that is why he said he denied the call at first and knows that his lying about it has made this worse.

But he insists that this is all a one way thing since he cut contact. I just don't know what to think. Torn, wanting to believe him (I've always liked him and am shocked that he would do this) and just tell her to try and trust him again yet knowing that this "crazy woman" excuse is a classic.

I'd be looking for a second phone.

If you are being stalked by a crazy person, the last thing you do is call them. He’s lying.

In this situation your role as friend is not to offer advice (unless she directly asks for it). Be a shoulder to cry on, listen to her, ask her what she thinks.

This isn't your problem to solve. If you come up with a "correct" solution and she doesn't follow it, that will drive the friendship apart.

Maybe you need a thread on how to best support your friend while retaining your own sanity.

Do you think that anyone becomes obsessed to the point of refusing to back off and threatening to turn up to things, does so on the back of an ‘emotional affair’?

I mean ok...all things are possible, but it’s unlikely isn’t it?

He’s lying about the affair and he’s lying about the contact. He was fucking her and he still is.
That’s the most likely scenario. Being realistic.

Great so as well as being a cheater, he's also a misogynist 😠 what a catch, your friend is so lucky he's deigned to stay with her 🙄

Ah that old chestnut!

Of course shes crazy, anyone getting involved with a married man has to be.

Is he still working with her?

Hmm surely if she was 'crazy' and stalking him, given the precarious nature of the marriage, he should have mentioned it to his wife, or at the very least not denied it when confronted.

And what’s more - he’s painting her as a villain to cover up his own wrongdoing.

It's possible that it's just an excuse, but it's possible that it's true as well. I've known both men and women to become a bit obsessed with someone and if he is telling the truth, he's not saying something that is implausible or that uncommon.

I think in your position it would be best to just support your friend in whether she believes him or not, and not try to persuade her either way on whether he's telling the truth or not.

It’s amazing just how many OW are ‘crazy’, isn’t it? .

He called her. He didn’t send a text saying ‘please don’t contact me again. My wife knows I am sending you this message, by the way’. He picked up the phone and rang her.

I call bullshit.

If she’s crazy and won’t leave him alone it stands to reason there will be plenty of text and call evidence of her harassing him on is phone won’t there as she’s obvs not blocked or he’d not be able to call her...?

If there is none then he’s either deleting it when she contacts (why?) or he’s lying and covering his tracks.

The ow is always crazy just like the wife is always described as crazy to the ow. I would be supportive to my friend but avoid saying anything positive about the future of her relationship.

Yes, I agree with just trying to support her. That's what I want to do. We are very close and yes she is asking me what I honestly think. I can't lie to her but at the same time it's not me that he is explaining all of this to so it's hard to gauge whether it could be true or not.

He isn't working with the OW anymore and it should be easy to cut contact. He has made changes to show that he is trying to save his marriage and I don't believe for a second that he wants to leave my friend. But this latest development has rocked the boat again I suppose.