He says the OW is "crazy"

[NCforthisquestion]

Hi,

NC for this.

A friend caught her DH having an emotional affair a few months ago with a much younger OW. The nature of this was texts, very lovey dovey and emotional. Since then he has made the necessary moves to put this right and work at his marriage. He insists there was no physical contact and no meeting up outside of the workplace ever.

Fast forward to last week when my friend discovered (by accessing his phone after finding his pin) that he has made a call to the OW that day. Very little evidence of other contact between them.

Friend has confronted her DH and after denying it completely he eventually admitted the call and said that the OW won't leave him alone, that she is "crazy" and obsessed with him and that despite blanking her he can't shake her off.

I want to believe this and to be able to encourage my friend that this is a plausible explanation for the sake of saving her marriage. I am also wary of advising her wrongly and fuelling a situation that just may not need to happen because he could be telling the truth.

I just want her to be happy and feel secure in her relationship like she used to so any advice on how I can help her with that welcome.

But AIBU that those caught cheating often say the OW is crazy, a loon, obsessed, put it on a plate etc?

I know that's what my exDP said to me when he was caught and it just sounds a bit convenient for him to me.

Thoughts please. AIBU not to believe that the OW is obsessed and crazy?

Is it also true that his wife doesn’t understand him and they haven’t had sex in years?

Well exactly, you're not directly involved so all you can do if she asks is say what you think but it's up to her what she believes and how she wants to proceed.

You sound like a good friend :)

Why hasn’t he blocked her ? First thing he should have done when he promised to sort his marriage.

If this woman is stalking him then why has he not gone to the police about it ?

Clearly he is still seeing her and that call log was one he forgot to delete .

There's no vidence of a crazy ow. He's making all the calls, he's lying and not admitting he called at first. There's nothing there that a bloke genuinely wanting to save his marriage would do. A genuine man would have said "I've been getting these texts, I'm going to call her to tell her to leave us alone."

She could suggest that they go to the police together this weekend so he can report her for harassment.

Can't say I know any crazy women but plenty of men seem to meet them/marry them/have affairs with them.

I would listen but not advise what to do (and secretly hope she comes to her senses). I suspect this won't end well. He clearly doesn't love her if he is looking elsewhere.

I wouldn't tolerate an OW in any shape or form personally. They always seem to resurface even when they appear to have gone away.

In 2 weeks he'll have a burner phone at work or hidden in the car.

I would step back a bit from this.

She may be your friend but it isn't really your business.

Of course she is. Just like ex (and not quite ex yet) wives are always crazy. Always.

Female madness = not acceding to male demands and expectations. We do all know that, don't we?

Oh and just being inconvenient to men. Crazy.

YANBU. Liars called on it just lie again. He's following a script for this: as PP have said, the script is that OW is crazy; I was calling her once last time to tell her to back off.(because such men have never heard of NC or extinction theory).

There's possibly a Snapchat or WhatsApp where messages are automatically deleted. It's unlikely this was only an EA.

Your friend might benefit from keeping her powder dry, getting her ducks in a row etc. You can only support her because she will come to her own decision and you don't want to cut off at a time she needs support by giving directive advice.

He is the one that is crazy if he honestly believes that he keep these lies going....your friend needs to dump his arse.

Thanks for all the replies. I will support her and be the best friend I can. Whatever the outcome. I agree that it isn't my business in the sense that I don't want to give a definite opinion as I don't want to sway her decision or thoughts either way. I just want it all not to have happened to her

Of course, you are all right. There should be more evidence if she really won't leave him alone. And yes, it's a massive leap to imagine that from an emotional affair over text could turn into "love" on the OW's part.

But then if what he is saying is true I'd hate for their marriage to be ruined over it. That's why I put it on here I suppose. For some perspective. Me and my friend are very close, we sound off to each other about everything. I'm absolutely gutted for her

That was my thought. So many "crazy" OW out there!

Always those damn women who are crazy eh? Doesn't look good really does it, does your friend buy that story or what?

Personally, I’d not get involved with advice but rather just listen. I had an ex partner who described his OW as “crazy/deluded/making stuff up”. Eventually I met her and I had to accept that they’d been seeing each other before and during our own relationship.

I think he’s most likely lying. I think your friend knows this. Only she can decide what to do.

No, I don't think she buys it. Of course, she wants to though! When I was cheated on I wanted to believe him too (lying bastard).

She is adjusting to not trusting her DH when she always has trusted him absolutely. She's in shock I think, and doesn't want the future she had planned in tatters.

Clearly he is still seeing her and that call log was one he forgot to delete

Absolutely this. This was my first thought too. He slipped up, forgetting to delete this one call, but there will have been many others.

Absolute bullshit. Why would he be calling her then?

He had one chance when he had the emotional affair, for him to still be contacting the OW I’m willing to believe he is cheating and it’s very probably a full on physical affair now.
Why would he be calling her if he was trying to ignore her? That absolutely does not make sense at all.
He is taking your friend for a mug.
It’s good she has you, I hope she sees a decent solicitor soon too.

He's talking shit, he just forgot to delete that phone call from his phone. He hasn't stopped contacting her at all. Tell your friend to ask herself why, if it was the ow that won't leave him alone, it was him that phoned her?

Oh that old line.

Oh and I'd almost bet my house on the fact he's been shagging her

Yes it's just a slip up that he forgot to delete the call.

Has he explained why he hasn't blocked her?

I don't think he has a decent explanation for not blocking her. I wish he did!