He says the OW is "crazy"

[NCforthisquestion]

Hi,

NC for this.

A friend caught her DH having an emotional affair a few months ago with a much younger OW. The nature of this was texts, very lovey dovey and emotional. Since then he has made the necessary moves to put this right and work at his marriage. He insists there was no physical contact and no meeting up outside of the workplace ever.

Fast forward to last week when my friend discovered (by accessing his phone after finding his pin) that he has made a call to the OW that day. Very little evidence of other contact between them.

Friend has confronted her DH and after denying it completely he eventually admitted the call and said that the OW won't leave him alone, that she is "crazy" and obsessed with him and that despite blanking her he can't shake her off.

I want to believe this and to be able to encourage my friend that this is a plausible explanation for the sake of saving her marriage. I am also wary of advising her wrongly and fuelling a situation that just may not need to happen because he could be telling the truth.

I just want her to be happy and feel secure in her relationship like she used to so any advice on how I can help her with that welcome.

But AIBU that those caught cheating often say the OW is crazy, a loon, obsessed, put it on a plate etc?

I know that's what my exDP said to me when he was caught and it just sounds a bit convenient for him to me.

Thoughts please. AIBU not to believe that the OW is obsessed and crazy?

if shes unsure why doesnt she meet/ring the OW from his phone and ask her the questions. soon be able to get a better feel for whose lying.

I'd tell her that the fact that she (and you) doesn't believe him is the issue here. There is an underlying trust issue here. Will,she be able to ever trust him? What can he do, if anything to rebuild this trust? What is the cause of this initial mistrust and will it always be there?
Has he got,form for lying in other aspects of lives, what issues do they have in their marriage?

"He says he lied because he thought my friend would be more angry at him breaking his promise of no contact."

Then he should have told your friend about it so they could decide together whether to break the no contact. And it still doesn't explain why he hadn't blocked her already.

He's full of minimising bullshit.

And why did she not have his pin anyway after the full blown emotional affair came out a few months ago?

Your friend read the texts the OW wrote, those texts and the exchange will be the tell as to whether this woman is crazy, effectively your friend has seen the evidence, and I am guessing from how this panned out she didn't see those texts as being from a crazy stalker lady where her DH got dragged in over his head.
Anything he says about the OW outside of that exchange is smoke and daggers. If she was crazy he has had plenty of time to change his number or block her.

Hmm, I'm sure all these men are queueing up to risk their marriage, home, livelihood and future earnings for a quick fling with a 'crazy woman who means nothing to them'.

I'm sure the OW has heard all about his miserable home with his crazy DW too, so makes sure to welcome him with open legs arms.

It's bullshit.

If OW had been "stalking" him then why didn't he tell his wife? Why didn't he block her from his phone?

Why did he lie and lie and deny contacting her until he finally caved and admitted it?

Why would he do this after promising to do whatever it takes to repair his marriage?

It's because he's still at it, which is why he is still lying. I suspect he has a second phone as well.

Request a printed bill - that should show all the actual calls and texts to that number assuming he didn't use an app like viber or whatsapp.

If he made one call to her after ignoring 20 calls off her then I'd tend to believe him, otherwise NOPE. Sure doesn't sound like she's hounding him to me.

The other point is that when his affair was discovered, he presumably promised his wife total honesty and transparency.

It's not up to him to decide what subsequent information regarding the OW he gets to hide from DW. He doesn't get to decide that he's got the right to conceal more contact with the OW. To save a marriage brutal honesty and candidness is required, so he's nowhere near being able to save his marriage until he's willing to do that.

All reasonable responses. I've suggested she get his phone bill as that may prove one way or another whether he is telling the truth. I really hope that he is but after reading these replies I feel pretty sick to the stomach that it's just not the case.

That's a great idea, OP I also have to say that I wouldn't trust your friend's DH either. One thing, though, I understand that WhatsApp messages don't show on phone bills? But at least your friend will know whether he called her on other occasions, and the duration of those calls.

And, as at least one PP has said, there could well be a second phone somewhere.

It could go either way - I have known it both ways. In one the DP was having a full affair (it was known he slept with OW) but he was going back to partner saying OW was crazy, threatened suicide if he didn't call etc. DP was having a full blown affair and now has a child with OW.

In the other DH was having an 'emotional affair' with OW (who was an ex - lots of reminiscing about old feelings). DH put a stop to the communication when he thought it went too far and told DW. However, OW then told her DH that they were having a full blown affair (which they weren't) and that DH wanted OW to run away with him (he didn't and their conversations never went there).

Hopefully it is just a crazy OW and DH is just finding it hard to let you, especially if she is threatening his marriage or suicidal etc. I think you know in your gut which is is and you have to trust that.

DW needs to check up on DH (phone records, time stamps on whats app etc) and, if she knows who OW is, send her a facebook message telling her to back off and stay away from DH. It may do the trick or OW may come back with some home truths (or she will tell DH and they will be found out).

It’s a very plausible explanation, so 2 ways too take it, either he is telling the truth or it’s too plausible to believe. There have been many instances where men have been telling the truth but obviously when the trust is broken that’s it. I love how Many women nowadays are quick to give advice that he’s a lying bastard however if it happened to them would totally be the same and believe his every word. I know instances of both. I know women being crazy although I’d more say it’s passion than craziness 😊

He knows this and that is why he said he denied the call at first and knows that his lying about it has made this worse.

Really?