To think it's none of MIL business.

[Pereie]

We are pregnant with our first child. It's a boy, I make no secret of longing for a DD one day and have mentioned to family that if our next baby is also a boy I would like to try for a third.

Now this is all very hypothetical, we might decide that one is enough or we can't have any more or that two is more than enough etc. But I did mention that trying for that girl is definitely not off the table. Husband agrees that two would be the ideal but three is a possibility.

Anyway, I flippantly said this months ago when we found out baby was a boy. Now, every time I see MIL she brings it up in conversation. It usually goes along the lines of "three is too many, you won't be able to cope, how will you afford three, you won't be able to look after them properly(?!)" etc. I am one of three myself and almost exploded at the last comment... like I wasn't brought up properly because I have two other siblings. What. Anyway, it's really grating on me now, we don't know ourselves how many children we will have or want. Would I be unreasonable to politely tell her it's none of her business how many children we may or may not have.

Additional info: we are both mid 30s, working, well paid, responsible, own our own home, don't depend on parents for anything, won't need them for childcare etc. I have a great relationship with MIL, If that helps.

Maybe there is a something I am missing, why is wanting three kids such a drama?

Anyway, points of view appreciated.

She's being a dick. None of her business.

Sounds like she's worried that you might end up with 10 boys trying to get that girl?

If you normally have a good relationship with her I'd just brush it off as her being concerned tbh. Obviously she has no power over how many children you have so try and keep that in mind.

She's worried about you. Just say you've changed your minds and that 2 is enough! That'll keep her quiet. Then if you have a "happy accident" later, she'll just have to suck it up!

How many has she got? If it's 1/2 then maybe she wanted 3?

But why is she worried? That's the bit I don't understand.

She has two, boy and girl.

Haha, there is no way I would want to go more than three. Maybe because I am one of three I think it's a good family unit.

Congrats on your pregnancy. I'm currently 7 months. How along are you?

In response to your question, it's nobody's business how many children you have besides you and DH. Is she from a small/large family? My nan used to say stick with the one but I know that was coming from a place where she had 4 siblings and 3 children all during a time of poverty. So I guess it was more remembering her times rather than how times have changed.

Subsequently your MIL shouldn't have said you can look after 3 properly. If she says again, could you ask her what she means? If you have an okay relationship then try to explain how these comments upset you.

Does she only have boys? Is she jealous maybe that having a girl is still an option for you, even if only hypothetically?

*can't look after

IMO the reason will be centred around her and she's worried because she has plans for you, like being around to lend her a hand when she's older. In her mind maybe you having too many family commitments could interfere with that.

@PinkGiraffe1 that's the bit that has got to me more than anything. I have just been shrugging it off before now, but suggesting that our kids won't be brought up properly if there is an extra sibling in the mix stung.

Maybe she wants you to have the same that she had so she feels validated? I have the opposite problem, my MIL is always asking when I'm having another, I only want 2!! If your relationship is generally good id probably just ignore or point out that you don't know how you'll feel after the birth and then hope she drops it!

She is over-thinking this and over-commenting.

However, I think it was a mistake to tell peoplebefire your darling baby is even born that you want a girl, and would keep trying. How do you think a biy feels growing up knowing that Mum ‘makes no secret’ of wanting a girl, or vice versa?

You are havjng a baby. Don’t make projections about what it will be like having a boy instead of a girl.

Tell MIL to stop fretting, that you will be happy with whatever children you are lucky enough to have.

I feel a bit sorry for your baby boy!

Just tell her you’re not going to discuss this with her

If you’re saying things along the lines of needing a daughter then you’re inviting comments.

You could end up having 3 boys...where do you stop?

Just keep hypothetical things out of the conversation. You’re having a lovely DS so let that be your focus instead of a daughter you may never have.

Ha, @SadMummy85, don't feel sorry for my unborn child. He is very much loved and wanted, as will any others that come along, regardless of what is in between their legs.

I have 3. The amount of people who told me 3 was too many was ridiculous. All of my dh's siblings have 3 yet my Mil still told me while pregnant that 3 was too many and she has 4 dc.
Just brush it off and don't discuss how many dc you plan to have with her again

Why is she worried? Because she knows what it's like having three children. She is being a bit over the top but I think you might be over-reacting just a bit. You've chosen to share your thoughts with her and she has the benefit of knowledge you don't possess yet. See how you get on with one and then make your choices from there and perhaps consider keeping your family plans a bit more hush hush. After your baby arrives you'll understand what she means a bit more.

I have a friend who is a bit like this - you make an off hand comment in conversation and to her it becomes “truth”. She doesn’t forget but instead will send links to good family cars for 3 child families or whatever. It’s funny actually the things she remembers - you’d just mention that you’re thinking of letting the kids try indoor rock climbing and six months later you’ll get a gift voucher or a Useful Link.

I recommend a calm and honest approach. Just tell her that you can tell it’s been worrying her but that this is by no means a certain thing, it was an offhand comment. Make it clear you don’t want to hear about it any more but no need to be rude about it. (Yet.)

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t have been able to manage, but we’ll be just fine. I’ve already personally seen how it’s done!”

I know 2 men who were 3rd and 4th boys from a family where they kept trying for a girl - I would keep your feelings to yourself on this matter, for your own sake as well as theirs. As you say, you love and want your babies regardless of their sex, don't make it a thing. And yes, you mil should mind her own business regarding your family size - I have 3 and it is amazing, but it is also hard work and expensive.

@flyingelbows
It sounds like she actually doesn’t have any experience with three kids.

Excuse my grammar - I realise I've made that sound like the 2 men are brothers, but they are from different families and, in fact, I've thought of another who is the 2nd boy with a younger sister who is doted upon by their mother. My mil also kept trying for a boy (dh is the youngest of 3, 2 older sisters) and she told us when we had ds that we were lucky and it had taken her 3 attempts! Very resentful middle sil.......it works both ways.

Maybe it's because she sacrificed a lot for her kids and is worried about her son doing the same... but with the added extra.

I wouldn't be rude to her, but I really just want her to drop it. I made an off the cuff remark that is now causing her enough grief to bring it up every time we meet... and if we do go on to have three kids what sort of grief will that bring!

I had five. My MIL kept telling me that three (what she had) was exactly the same as five, just as hard work, so she knew what it was like. She had nearly ten years between her three, I had seven years first to last.

They look at things from their own perspective. SHE couldn't have handled three, would have found three too expensive etc etc, so she's assuming you would find it the same. Smile breezily (if you choose to discuss it all - I wouldn't!) and tell her that labour saving devices have come on a lot in the xxxx years since your DH was little, and it's far easier to manage now!