To think it's none of MIL business.

[Pereie]

We are pregnant with our first child. It's a boy, I make no secret of longing for a DD one day and have mentioned to family that if our next baby is also a boy I would like to try for a third.

Now this is all very hypothetical, we might decide that one is enough or we can't have any more or that two is more than enough etc. But I did mention that trying for that girl is definitely not off the table. Husband agrees that two would be the ideal but three is a possibility.

Anyway, I flippantly said this months ago when we found out baby was a boy. Now, every time I see MIL she brings it up in conversation. It usually goes along the lines of "three is too many, you won't be able to cope, how will you afford three, you won't be able to look after them properly(?!)" etc. I am one of three myself and almost exploded at the last comment... like I wasn't brought up properly because I have two other siblings. What. Anyway, it's really grating on me now, we don't know ourselves how many children we will have or want. Would I be unreasonable to politely tell her it's none of her business how many children we may or may not have.

Additional info: we are both mid 30s, working, well paid, responsible, own our own home, don't depend on parents for anything, won't need them for childcare etc. I have a great relationship with MIL, If that helps.

Maybe there is a something I am missing, why is wanting three kids such a drama?

Anyway, points of view appreciated.

She thinks you should only have two because she had two - in her head that’s the “right” size of family, therefore why would you want something different ? She knows best.

Have three if you want to have three - but don’t do it just to get a girl. I say this as the mother of three boys 😀

How lovely to be born in to a family where your just the holding child until the beloved desired daughter comes along....

Tell her you are doing gender selection for your second. Given that a child costs $300k to raise and the cost of gender selection is about $20k, it makes perfect economic sense to guarantee the sex of your second and therefore you don't need to have a third.

That should shut her up.

"She's being a dick. None of her business."

Op has made it her business by originally discussing it though.

I do think it's odd though if she just brings the subject up every time that you see her.

Perhaps ask her why someone else thinking of three kids is such an issue for her?

It is none of her business but in future don't make off the cuff remarks about essentially private matters as she seems unable to keep her opinions to herself. Your own ideas about how many children you have may change as you haven't even had your first yet, so it is a pointlessly theoretical discussion to be having with her at this stage!

we have 3 boys all of whom were wanted & are loved very much but my MIL used to go on about a pigeon pair (I am guessing this is a boy & a girl born into a family) & I just had to have one more - to get the girl & presumably get everything sweet. NO!! Our family, our choice - she had hers & at that time when we were having babies it was our time to say when, if, or how many kids we had.

I don’t get it. If she has 3 then is she saying she couldn’t bring them up properly and found it all a struggle.

Just because she found it a struggle why does she think you will.

I knew 1 family where they had 13 children and everything ran like clockwork. I also knew, growing up, a family who had 5 boys before they got their girl baby then thought they were going to try again for another girl and ended up with another boy.

None really struggled. Although from people I know who have 4,5 and 6 + children they all found 4 the hardest but 5th,6th etc didn’t really make much difference.

Personally, I wouldn't have gone into such detail in the first place - discussing this kind of thing invites comment, so if you don't want comment, then don't bring it up! But, since that ship has sailed, I'd tell her that you've changed your mind and will stop at two - it will stop her from going on about it and if/when you have a third you can deal with it then.

YABU saying 'we' are pregnant yuk. Tell her she's becoming a bore on the subject.

Why did you volunteer such information in the first place? What did you expect people to say/do? Pat you on the back?

Your DS isn't even born yet and you've decided he won't cut it as you've already got your sights on a DD. You sound fickle and unpleasant.

Maybe engage your brain before you spout this stuff so you won't be disappointed by the less than perfect responses.

@Cismyass, sorry I was referring to myself as the royal 'we'

Your husband isn't pregnant, you are.
It must be great to know you're a third son only conceived because they wanted a girl.

I agree with Sadmummy5 even though you say it is not so. I have 2 older brothers and we get along really well but there has and always be a level of resentment towards me because my mum and dad wanted a girl and treated me like a princess, dressing me up in pretty dresses and treating delicately. I absolutely hated the attention and turned out to be a total tomboy and ended up arguing with my mum all the time.

Not saying you are going to do this, but please do not "make no secret of it" in front of any boys you may have. It makes them feel 2nd best.

Personally, I am glad I do not have a girl because I think we would have clashed if she was very girley as I hate stuff like that. My sons are absolutely brilliant. I hope your son surprises you in every positive way possible.

She's only concerned about your thinking. What would happen if you had 2 boys and then decided to try for no3 for a girl and it was another boy? It reads like if potentially you would stop at 2 if no 2 was a girl.

Why oh why would you say anything about your family plans to MIL?

God help your poor 3rd child if he is a boy. Everyone will look at him with pity.

Ignore it, and stop telling people anything about your plans as everyone has their opinion and you won't want to hear anybody's!

FWIW I get like you regarding a daughter. We had DD first then when pregnant with second I thought another girl would be easier as we knew what to do and had loads of clothes etc but wasn't bothered ifnit was either sex. The day I found he was a boy I was so happy - much more than I expected, years of joy!
Now boys in my experience of 1 plus a few friends, seem to be hugely hard work and they need exercising like dogs but god I love that little monkey so deeply it hurts sometimes - it's strange now I have both (and I'm very lucky and I get that) but the whole wanting a girl thing I think was about familiarity

She probably thinks it's weird that you've already talked about having a third baby if a hypothetical second child is also a boy and doesn't want to say "ffs DIL who finds out the sex of their first child and starts thinking about how if you have another one after this that's the same sex you'd probably have a third baby to try and get one of the sex you really want, you should be careful not to communicate to your sons that what you really want is a daughter". Focusing on the practical difficulties of three children is probably an easier way of expressing her concern at your thinking.

My neighbours had 4 kids. 2 boys close in age then another boy when they were hoping for a girl. Baby no 4 was a girl.
The third son is a little shit and the girl spoilt.
First 2 are lovely.

My dd has two boys and I know she would have considered a third child, hoping for a girl but ready to love another boy. In fact a bladder prolapse after the second meant she was advised not to have any more. Like so many others they are a very happy family unit. What will be will be.

Just tell her it's one day at a time, let's get the first one here, then we can start thinking about having more.

My MIL has told me I'm not to have a third (I have two DDs). I honestly think it's because she thinks she wouldn't be able to cope looking after three (she's never looked after one yet!), she's already said she'd need a bigger car and only has two spare beds etc.
Also she has two and is always right...
Could it be something like that?

The double standards on MN never cease to amaze me. It is not ok to say boys need exercising like dogs. Just think about all the reasons why this statement is wrong. Girls can be tomboys, I know I was one! If someone refers to a girl as a bitch MN gets offended but it's ok to compare little boys to dogs. FFS.

My parents ended up with 5 trying for a girl 😂 but seriously, non of her business!!!

Whether you have two, three or four or whatever is only the business of yourself and your DP. The only obvious thing is that a third could also be a boy so if you want three regardless of gender - all good but if you definitely wanted a girl then obviously adoption would be the only guarantee (and yes, I do appreciate that adoption is not a choice for everyone).

@stuckficks, maybe. I know she will want to be a really hands on grandma so the thought of three might be quite overwhelming for her.

We have always spoke in terms of 2 would be great, but maybe a third, and honestly (yes I am a horrible person) if the first two were boys it would be more of an incentive to try for three. Although, if the second was a girl I personally would still like a third, maybe the gender thing is a way of me trying to justify wanting three kids (to myself and everyone else) Again this is all very hypocritical and yes was mentioned in passing. Maybe, like some of you, she is hanging on to the gender a bit too much and is worried about me neglecting my poor sons in preference for my princess. I will mention this shouldn't be a concern next time she brings it up.

Thanks guys, you've made me see it in a different light, I never focused so much on the boy / girl thing as clearly I would love a little girl but would be just as happy with a squad of boys.