To think it's none of MIL business.

[Pereie]

We are pregnant with our first child. It's a boy, I make no secret of longing for a DD one day and have mentioned to family that if our next baby is also a boy I would like to try for a third.

Now this is all very hypothetical, we might decide that one is enough or we can't have any more or that two is more than enough etc. But I did mention that trying for that girl is definitely not off the table. Husband agrees that two would be the ideal but three is a possibility.

Anyway, I flippantly said this months ago when we found out baby was a boy. Now, every time I see MIL she brings it up in conversation. It usually goes along the lines of "three is too many, you won't be able to cope, how will you afford three, you won't be able to look after them properly(?!)" etc. I am one of three myself and almost exploded at the last comment... like I wasn't brought up properly because I have two other siblings. What. Anyway, it's really grating on me now, we don't know ourselves how many children we will have or want. Would I be unreasonable to politely tell her it's none of her business how many children we may or may not have.

Additional info: we are both mid 30s, working, well paid, responsible, own our own home, don't depend on parents for anything, won't need them for childcare etc. I have a great relationship with MIL, If that helps.

Maybe there is a something I am missing, why is wanting three kids such a drama?

Anyway, points of view appreciated.

I can’t get over you telling her and others (no secret?) you want a girl and would stop at 2 if you get one but maybe try for 3rd if 2nd is a boy. Even if you think this, some things are best left unsaid as it makes you sound unpleasant, naive (best to have one then decide what you can deal with) presumptious and a bit entitled (that you will get pregnant 3 times and safely carry, that a daughter will be a little mini me to fulfil your idea of a daughter) and because it invites comment from others. I have a baby daughter and am delighted. I like to think I’d be delighted with a baby son. I am often told oh a daughter you’ll be best friends and I also sort of say um not sure she’ll want to hang about with me and laugh it off. I’d love any child of mine to want to spend time with me but I find the presumption and expectations of girls a little odd and pretty sexist, and sad that the same bond or relationship with sons isn’t anticipated.

I have also had a miscarriage and had close friends who are infertile, had early and late and also repeated pregnancy loss and I never take babies for granted, in my head let alone out loud speaking to people. You do not need to broadcast every thought and here there are good reasons to keep to yourself, not least in case it is mentioned to your son/s.

Go grey rock when she brings it up. I have to do this with my mother in law. I’ll mention something and the next thing I know it’s become some massive debate that, as far a as I’m concerned, isn’t anyone else’s business. And then no matter what anyone says, it’s become gospel and repeated around. Very tiresome. I deal with it by not mentioning our family decisions and being neutral. I got asked yesterday if my eldest was going to be at nursery over the summer holidays and when I said yes there was a chorus of lamentations about the poor thing not getting a summer holiday and being ‘shoved’ in nursery. (She goes two days a week).

Why do people say "We are pregnant"? misses point of thread

She thinks you should only have two because she had two - in her head that’s the “right” size of family, therefore why would you want something different ? She knows best.

My bet is on this. I'm an only...my DM was horrified when I said DD2 was on the way 😂

I know someone who had nine boys before finally getting the girl she wanted so good luck OP.

Why do people say "We are pregnant"? misses point of thread

I think it's an American thing? Makes my toes curl as well. It's meant to be inclusive to the father, I think, but sounds bizarre. The more formal "we are expecting a baby in December" is much nicer!

There's no need to tell her to mind her own business. I would approach it by saying you understand how much she cares for you and that's why she's worrying but there's really no need. Don't see it as an arrack on your character.

I feel that sometimes women are too quick to view any comment as a slight, more so when it comes from a MIL and then react in a way that sets up a life of bad feeling.

have just been shrugging it off before now, but suggesting that our kids won't be brought up properly if there is an extra sibling in the mix stung

It stings because you're taking it personally as an opinion she's arrived at after judging you. Most likely she struggled when she had two and feels if she had of had another she would have not coped.

I find the presumption and expectations of girls a little odd and pretty sexist, and sad that the same bond or relationship with sons isn’t anticipated.

This boils my piss no end. Then when they are older people are shocked sons and therefore DILs don't have as close a relationship to the MIL! It's because they didn't nurture the right relationship in the first fucking place with the boy child and focused on the girl with set expectations. You see it over and over again.

I can’t get over you telling her and others (no secret?) you want a girl and would stop at 2 if you get one but maybe try for 3rd if 2nd is a boy. Even if you think this, some things are best left unsaid as it makes you sound unpleasant, naive (best to have one then decide what you can deal with) presumptious and a bit entitled (that you will get pregnant 3 times and safely carry

^This. Let’s hope no one mentions this to your son when he is older.

If the OP was having a girl then she'd be hoping for a boy next.

Then when they are older people are shocked sons and therefore DILs don't have as close a relationship to the MIL! It's because they didn't nurture the right relationship in the first fucking place with the boy child and focused on the girl with set expectations.

So any problem in any relationship is because women don't bring their sons up right...

Also shocked at the OP admitting she has a 'preference for my princess'.
Really sorry for her little baby boy.

As an aside, you might find you don’t care and no longer year for a daughter when your little boy arrives.
I went from never wanting children, to having DS1 ten months after we got married. I only wanted a girl because it was what I knew as one of four sisters. I strongly felt it was a boy unconfirmed by scan and sure enough. Decided to get pregnant again, actively wanting a boy as I thought two brothers would be nice as I have three sisters and sure enough, out popped DS2.
Life is funny.
Maybe say gently, “oh MIL, I shouldn’t have thought so far ahead, I just want to concentrate on this one for now” and that way you are kindly shutting it down and not opening further lines of discussion. You can keep saying, “well, let’s just think about this one for now; I can’t think of anything else!” And keep repeating. It’s worth it if she’s basically on your side and wants to be a hands on gran.

Maybe she’s worried that her son and his family will be overstretched in some way. Obviously I agree that it’s not her decision but I don’t quite agree that it’s none of her business. It is normal for a mum to worry about her son...and remember, your dh is her son...it’s not just your priorities that count. You don’t know if he’s actually said something to his mum regarding concerns he might have - they have a relationship of their own.

If your mother opinionated on your family plans would you be offended? No, of course not...you’d understand that she cares.

Just reassure her and don’t take too much notice. Don’t write her off as irrelevant though - she is your husband’s mother...not just a slice of chopped liver.

I have three dc it is hardwork and I definitely a handful plus childcare for work is extremely hard. My friend also has three kids and they all ended up being in boys. I wouldn’t have your heart set on having a girl because you never know. Maybe she’s concerned you need for a girl is overriding things. I would just focus on the unborn child and everything else will come after.

Just shut her up by telling her you no longer planning to have three children, the new plan is to just keep going, like the Radfords. And actually 11or 12 children would make for a lovely little brood don’t you think!

Many people think the number they had is the right one, and their DCs should have the same they had. Keep repeating you're one of 3.

However, I'd say you need to shut up about potentially having a 3rd only because you want the girl - one of my extended family did that, so in the wider family it's not been a secret that DS2 was a disappointment for her. He's failed miserably to meet his accademic potential and bobs along, doesnt really have a great relationship with his mum, and did throw it back in her face that he knew he wasn't wanted when they had teenage arguments - which she had no answer for. (she loves him very much, but you can't undo the damage of a child realising they weren't 'right').

I wanted 3 DCs and I was so determined not to be that Mum who treats her DS2 as 'wrong', I said to DH we'd stop at 2 if DC2 was a boy to avoid that. (In the end DC2 was a girl, but we ended up stopping anyway due to other health type issues).

It's none of you MIL's business unless you expect her to help out (financially or practically), but it's also really shitty to go round telling people you'll be disappointed with your child if it's the wrong sex.

It's also worth thinking why you are determined to have a girl, rather than just a certain number of DCs, are you expecting you and your DD to be close? For her to be some sort of little doll to dress up? Look at your own feelings about the need for a particular sexed child rather than just to have a child - how will you feel if you get the DD and she turns out to not be a 'girly' girl or want to spend lots of time doing the same things as you?

I have three boys. I admit I would have loved a little girl but it doesn’t mean my sons are loved any less than a girl would have been. I didn’t want a girl for princesses and pink, it’s not really my thing and boys can be into that anyway(my middle son is) I just saw myself having a daughter similar the the set up my parents had.

Just don’t mention plans like that to mil, if she says anything say “we are a long way off that!” And change the subject.

Just say politely that the subject is not up for discussion. If she continues leave the room.

Waiting until your baby boy is born before telling people how many children you'll have and what sex you want them to be would have been ideal.

As it's too late just brush off any more comments from MIL by saying you'll see how you cope with one first. You will fall head over heels for your boy and may change your mind about wanting "a princess"...

@user1471596238 we adopted 2 DDs, who are birth siblings. For some time after DD2 came to us, people were saying, 'Won't you be adopting a boy now? (DH's name) would love to have a boy to play trains with.' So did they think he wouldn't be able to do that with DDs? They love York Railway Museum.

It's nothing to get worked up about, it's an off the cuff comment that a lot of people make. And you're right that it's none of your MIL's business, OP, but you'll know better than to make off the cuff comments like that to her in the future.

Honestly, let it go. Soon the GS will arrive and she'll be distracted by that (or, depending on our relationship, she'll find countless other things to piss you off about.)

I come from a family of all girls and when I got pregnant, I think I had kind of assumed that it would be a girl. I was shocked, not disappointed, when it was a boy, but I wouldn't swap him for anything. He is kind and gentle and loving (when he's not being a monster obvs)- he's my child. It really REALLY doesn't matter. The only time I get a small pang is when I read stories on here about 'nightmare MILs' and I realise that when he grows up and has his own family, I may find myself having to take a back seat to his partner's family, as that seems to be how it goes so often with these things. But I have a large part to play in how that pans out, by ensuring that I foster a close, supportive and non- interfering relationship with my son and any partners he may have. Maybe your MIL is trying to do that- maybe she feels closer to you than perhaps she is, and you don't feel it's her place to mention this issue. If you're unable to ignore it, then you should gently explain that it was something you said off the cuff, and you'd rather it was just dropped now as who knows what will happen down the line! But that you appreciate her concerns for you and are grateful that she cares so much.

Fwiw I am now thinking about whether we have another child, and I'd love to have another little boy (or girl)- funny how things change!

What's going to happen if number three is a boy? Fourth, more.

My friend has 5 boys.

If you don't want comments, don't tell people your ideas.

YANBU it is none of her business. Many people have three children and cope just fine. She has no idea nor right to comment on how you will be as parents when your fist child has not been born yet.

However... I think the idea of 'trying for a girl'/'trying for a boy' is ridiculous and you can't possibly 'try' for either sex. It is just pure chance. You should have a second or third child if you genuinely want another child and not because you are desperate for a certain sex as there is a 50% chance it won't be the one you want.

I have two DDs and am pregnant with my third. We decided to try for a third as we wanted another child, of either sex. It's no lie that both of us were leaning more towards boy when it came to preference but either way, we'd have been happy. We are having a boy which is great but like I said, we wanted this child whatever sex it was.