To think he isn't just that into me?

[Lilylo]

Hi all, I am feeling a bit down and I'd love some perspective on the situation I am currently dealing with.

I met this guy on OLD nearly 6 weeks ago. We had 6 dates, all went really well, loads of chemistry and laughter. We slept together 3 times, including tonight. Plenty of daily texting in between dates, which he mostly initiated. I thought he was really keen on me.

Today we had a great date, we stayed out for drinks and we had a lovely time. He kept hinting at things to do together in the future (like watching a theater play). We went back to his and we DTD. After that, I playfully approached the subject of sleeping with other people, as I felt that after DTD 3 times (today was the third time) I did not feel comfortable with the possibility of him sleeping with other women, while he was sleeping with me regularly. He also has issues with condoms, so I said if he gets tested we could consider going condom-free, since I am on the pill.

I made it quite clear that I was not asking about relationship exclusivity, just sex exclusivity.

He said he was not sleeping with anyone else and that he thought we should see "where this thing between us goes". Then he initiated DTD again, just to lose an erection as soon as he put the condom on. He then blamed the conversation about sex we just had, as he said it was "playing on his mind". Then he said he wanted me to sleep over and just cuddle.

I woke up at 2am in his bed (and in his arms) and got dressed and left (I need to go to work tomorrow). We said goodbye but it felt awkward.

I don't like the way this exchange made me feel and I don't think this bodes well for the future. I don't think that asking whether he is sleeping with other people 6 weeks in is an outrageous thing to do?

AIBU to think that after this I should just move on, because he clearly isn't as into me as he should be by now?

He’s into you the right amount for 6 dates
But you are expecting him to be into the right amount for 3 intimate nights of sex.
There’s a difference between the two.
I would move on personally and get to know the next guy a bit better before sleeping with him

I think that you are expecting too much for the amount of time that you have been seeing each other.

Have sex at whatever point you want to, that doesn't make a difference, as long as you don't think that it means more.

It's way to early to be thinking about going condom free. Read up about HIV and the incubation period and it being able to hide for around eighteen months, in some people.

You've met up with him six times, in truth, you know nothing about him. I think that he is being sensible if he thinks it's too much, too soon.

I reckon you need to go a bit cool on this one. You sound like you’ve had a good time with this guy (and him you) you sound like you want to take it further but I’d recommend keeping the condoms in place for now🤨
Don’t be needy, it’s really unattractive.
That said, he’s not prepared to agree to a relationship that excludes sex with other people. I’d metaphorically tell him to fuck off. Hold your head up high, if he cares he’ll come running.
Be aloof

I think the jury is still out regarding your future together, but one thing I highly suggest is that you have these conversations about sex and exclusivity OUTSIDE of the bedroom. You just DTD, basking in the afterglow, had fun apparently and laying their naked, and then you spring all of this on him. That is sure to be awkward and totally kill the mood. Talk about these subjects like adults without all of the situational baggage that will make the conversation so much harder.

Erm look at it from his point of view. You dtd, all was going well, a little bit of an awkward conversation, he had a problem keeping an erection and you leg it at 2am. Poor man had you not considered that he was embarrassed and just said the first thing that came into his head when he lost the erection? Now he’ll have been laying there for 6 hours thinking he’s blown it because he can’t keep it up.

When you say he 'has issues with condoms' you are very vague. What has he said? To me, any attempt not to use a condom with a new partner would have me running for the hills.

Try water based lube and then condom of the right size. I think the conversation made it awkward and you want more than he wants right now. Either back off keep it light and continue with the condoms or end it.
Its a bit shit but if you want something more serious have the exclusivity talk before you have sex at all.

Also its odd you ask him to not have sex with others but ok to be in relations?! Yeah right. It works the other way normally and if he is dating or seeing others of course he will have sex too. Dont throw away the condoms unless after 6 months or more.

And if he doesnt get on with condoms chances are he will say whatever to go bare and that he probably had lots of unprotectedsex so higher chance of stds.

OP you have very weird expectations.

"OP you have very weird expectations."

Alphabravo do I? I am open to be told so. It does not sound that unreasonable to me not to want to sleep regularly with someone who is sleeping with other people, but perhaps I am wrong?

"When you say he 'has issues with condoms' you are very vague. What has he said? To me, any attempt not to use a condom with a new partner would have me running for the hills."

He never asked not to use a condom. I could see he struggled to finish with a condom on and he confirmed so, and I was the one suggesting that down the line, if he got tested, I was open to go condomless.

OP, I can get where you’re coming from, it seems the timing was off. Caring about your sexual health is responsible and asking if he’s sleeping with other women is smart.

Buuuut...right after sex, then a bad go of it, then you leaving at 2am, it reads like it was not the ideal time. My rule of thumb has been to discuss sex ‘issues’ outside of bed.

Did you need to leave at 2am?

I think you're giving quite a few mixed messages here. You want sexual exclusivity (but not relationship exclusivity), but you're happy to leave at 2am to get home. That's the kind of thing I did with my fuck buddies in my twenties, not with someone I wanted to be in a sexually exclusive relationship with.

And why on Earth have that kind of conversation after you've had sex with someone for the third time? Way to kill the mood! Then he wasn't able to finish (understandably) and you left at 2am! No wonder it was awkward.

It is a bit weird. You agreed to stay the night. Woke up in his arms and legged it after he couldn't finish. Thats harsh.

Agree that he uses condoms until exclusive. Perhaps a bit clumsy timing?

I couldn't spend the night at his because I had to go to work this morning and I did not have a change of clothes or makeup. I spent the night at his once before, during a weekend. He knew that, so I don't think he found anything weird with it?

I swear to god mumsnet is like upside down reverse land half the fucking time.
I completely disagree with the other posters on here.

If you are seriously look to date in your 20s or 30s he should be able to commit to not sticking his dick in someone else by 6 weeks in. In fact at 6 weeks in he should be yelling it from the rooftops because he only wants to be with you and wants exclusivity so you don’t slip through his fingers

In summary
YANBU - if you want a relationship move on!

Also
I made it quite clear that I was not asking about relationship exclusivity, just sex exclusivity.

I think your bar is quite low with respect to the above if you want a long term relationship I say this nicely as someone who spent three years dating every funny handsome yet emotionally unavailable man in London trying to win at tinder.
At 4 weeks my boyfriend was seeing me 3 times a week, had had the exclusivity chat and told his mum all about me. It was also incredibly easy and I never doubted his feelings towards me

Good luck

I would say it's far too soon to have the no condoms conversation. IME I've only had that conversation once a relationship has progressed from "seeing each other" to boyfriend/girlfriend territory and even then only after things have been progressing nicely, without any drama, and with both sides showing real investment in the future (meeting each other's parents, for example.). With all the relationships I've had that have had real longevity I would say it takes a few months to get to that point. What's the rush? If it's into you, and it sounds like he is, then a few months of condoms is a small ask. At least then when you know things have moved to the next level and you do agree to get tested and stop using condoms, you can be sure he's as invested as you are. A few short weeks of dating is too soon to have the exclusivity convo, and I agree it's entirely unrealistic to suggest it's possible for him to unexclusively date but exclusively have sex. He may be completely into you and have no intention of dating anyone else, but if he considers himself still on the market enough to be dating other people you can't make demands on his sex life.

I think he sounds like he really likes you, but I would slow things down and stick with the condoms for now. Enjoy the dates, and if you feel the need to say anything about last night at all, then just a casual "Forget about the conversation we had last night, I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure it's the right approach. I'm really enjoying your company and want to see where this goes, so let's just keep spending time together and see what happens."

I wouldn’t go condom free with someone I wasn’t actually in a relationship with personally. He could tell you you were ‘sexually exclusive’ all he wanted but if you weren’t actually in a relationship, what does that really mean? You’d be opening yourself up to so many risks, it just isn’t worth it.

If you want a relationship, ask for that. It’s not too early to want to be exclusive, my DP and I established exclusivity after the second date! If you don’t want that, don’t risk condom free sex.

@trojanpony

I swear to god mumsnet is like upside down reverse land half the fucking time.
I completely disagree with the other posters on here.

If you are seriously look to date in your 20s or 30s he should be able to commit to not sticking his dick in someone else by 6 weeks in. In fact at 6 weeks in he should be yelling it from the rooftops because he only wants to be with you and wants exclusivity so you don’t slip through his fingers

^^^ This. With knobs on.

Trojanpony and LongSummer that is exactly the way I feel! I don't want to keep going out with someone that is looking for casual dates and no strings attached sex. Nothing wrong with wanting those things, it is just not what I want.

I think it is best to find out someone's attitude towards dating early on, before you develop real feelings and potentially end up getting hurt. But here on Msn it sounds like that is not the general consensus..

6 weeks is not a very long time but the conversation was bound to come up soon anyway and after 3 times of having sex it's not surprising you would want to know where you stand.

There's nothing suggesting he doesn't like you, ok he couldn't get it up but after the surprise of a conversation like that it perhaps isn't that shocking. I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Anyway you are going to have to have the talk now one way or the other. Who knows, you could be ending the day in a relationship with this bloke. If not then it's better you know now before you get too involved.

It actually sounds like you’re not that in to him.

Don’t stop using condoms whatever happens. It’s been 6 weeks. You hardly know him. He could give you a lifelong disease.

I think unless you’ve done online dating in the last 4 years you won’t understand the realities of what’s out there.

I remember thinking how hard can it be?
Answer: fucking hard

The other key thing that stood out is this

i don’t like the way this exchange made me feel

I dated some many guys (one for 6months plus?!) and I stayed despite the fact I sometimes didn’t like the way they made me feel and I knew it wasn’t/they weren’t right.

Trust me when I say your description in the original post isn’t what success and happiness look like. Why didn’t he just say I only want to be with you instead of I’m not planning on shafting anyone else?! How hard is that????

When you meet someone great two things will happen

1. They will want to commit
2. It will all be ridiculously easy

And how on earth would you know he was being sexually exclusive with you? You only know him six weeks - please don't stop using condoms! You might be on the pill but that won't protect you against STI's.

I have done the OLD thing and I agree-After that many dates and constant contact via text plus the fact you have now slept together, well to me that says you are together!! You are not wrong to want to know he is on the same page with this and isn't sleeping/dating anyone else.
However from what you have posted I do not see that he sounds uninterested at all.
He said he wasn't sleeping with anyone else..
I would continue having dates etc and give it a little more time, then have the chat outside the bedroom-however I have never needed to have the "chat" things just usually develop naturally.
IMO OLD does cause lots of concern and anxiety within new relationships-it is far to easy for both parties to find new dates/sleep around! Temptation is always around the corner.