Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he isn't just that into me?

89 replies

Lilylo · 11/07/2018 01:29

Hi all, I am feeling a bit down and I'd love some perspective on the situation I am currently dealing with.

I met this guy on OLD nearly 6 weeks ago. We had 6 dates, all went really well, loads of chemistry and laughter. We slept together 3 times, including tonight. Plenty of daily texting in between dates, which he mostly initiated. I thought he was really keen on me.

Today we had a great date, we stayed out for drinks and we had a lovely time. He kept hinting at things to do together in the future (like watching a theater play). We went back to his and we DTD. After that, I playfully approached the subject of sleeping with other people, as I felt that after DTD 3 times (today was the third time) I did not feel comfortable with the possibility of him sleeping with other women, while he was sleeping with me regularly. He also has issues with condoms, so I said if he gets tested we could consider going condom-free, since I am on the pill.

I made it quite clear that I was not asking about relationship exclusivity, just sex exclusivity.

He said he was not sleeping with anyone else and that he thought we should see "where this thing between us goes". Then he initiated DTD again, just to lose an erection as soon as he put the condom on. He then blamed the conversation about sex we just had, as he said it was "playing on his mind". Then he said he wanted me to sleep over and just cuddle.

I woke up at 2am in his bed (and in his arms) and got dressed and left (I need to go to work tomorrow). We said goodbye but it felt awkward.

I don't like the way this exchange made me feel and I don't think this bodes well for the future. I don't think that asking whether he is sleeping with other people 6 weeks in is an outrageous thing to do?

AIBU to think that after this I should just move on, because he clearly isn't as into me as he should be by now?

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 12/07/2018 07:59

Has he contacted you or you him since the awkward goodbye?

Ultimately you need to feel comfortable and do what you feel is best for you. Hope it works out how you want

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 08:07

What I'd like from him at this stage is: you and I are not together, we are seeing each other and we like each other. We are not a couple yet, but we want to take the time to focus on this to see where it goes, without sleeping around

I think maybe you're playing semantics. There is very little difference between scenario one and two, the first you don't say you're a couple, the second you say you're a couple ,,,but in both you don't see other people and are exclusively seeing each other. A rose by any other name.

There is nothing wrong with wishing him to be exclusively with you. There is nothing wrong with wishing that commitment from him that he won't see others. You don't need to hide it and pretend it's something else. There is also nothing wrong with him not being ready to commit to that yet.

You're simply at different stages, you're moving way faster than he is comfortable with. He is moving way slower than you're comfortable with.

You asked for exclusivity, he said no. The ball is now back in your court.

Evenmycurveshavecurves · 12/07/2018 10:28

Maybe it's just me...but if a man says he isn't sleeping with anyone else and "wants to see where this thing between us goes" .... That sounds like he was saying the exact same thing you were saying.

In fact, that is literally the exact thing you've just said on page two is what you think this stage of your non relationship is.

I fail to see how you both being on the same page and saying the same thing has led you to believe he isn't into you o.O

Now the no condoms and not being able to maintain an erection for a second round shortly after already having sex and an emotionally loaded conversation is a completely seperate issue! It's performance anxiety. You've gone from a conversation where you are on the same page about being exclusive and testing the waters to in the same breath telling the poor bloke to get tested and go bareback, implying he trust you implicitly, an acquaintance of only 6 weeks, with complete control of contraception ... I'd of lost my erection if I were him as well!

He sounds like he IS into you and you sprung too much on him too fast and then disappeared in the middle of the night ... If this was other way round everyone would be calling the man all the names under the sun for this behaviour.

Original poster
Lilylo · 12/07/2018 12:13

Well he hasn't texted me ever since, so I guess here is my answer..

OP posts:
KneesupGaston · 12/07/2018 12:33

Have you texted him @Lilylo?

Original poster
Lilylo · 12/07/2018 12:38

@KneesupGaston no, I thought after what happened I should give him some time and space to process the convo. If he is done with me then I don't want to make it even more awkward with a text..

OP posts:
KneesupGaston · 12/07/2018 13:12

I think after leaving him in the middle of the night it might be sensible to get in touch with him if you still like him! He's probably incredibly embarrassed about not being able to get an erection and thinks you don't want to see him anymore.

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 13:32

I'm Not sure I'd contact him. He's been clear he does not wish to commit in thr way requested. You've been clear that's what you want. Unless you're willing to change your mind, why text him? It would seem that you're then willing to continue under the current terms. If you are not, then just wait it out.

Popc0rn · 12/07/2018 13:52

"I made it quite clear that I was not asking about relationship exclusivity, just sex exclusivity."

...how did you make that clear?! No wonder it was an awkward conversation, what did you say, "I'm happy for you to carry on messaging other women, taking them out on dates, kissing them etc, just not cool with you putting your dick in them." Hmm

After six weeks and sleeping together, most people would expect/want total exclusivity if they really liked the other person and saw a potential future. Come on, as if you'd actually be happy with him dating other people while he's sleeping with you. He probably thought WTF do you actually mean when you were talking about it.

And to be bluntly honest, sounds like you were saying you wanted an exclusive fuck buddy, but still wanted to date other people yourself (cos if you're bringing it up saying it's fine for him, then he's probably thinking you might be seeing other people or thinking about it). I'd be gutted if I really liked someone and they suggested sex exclusivity but not relationship exclusivity.

Popc0rn · 12/07/2018 14:00

The condoms thing...I'd say carry on using them until you trust him enough that you're sure he's not sleeping with other people, and you'd also trust him enough to give him your house keys to water your plants while you're away. Sounds weird, but if you wouldn't trust him with your house keys, why would you trust him with your body/health?

You'd be letting him potentially access your bloodstream and eggs, you've met him six times.

adaline · 12/07/2018 14:40

I agree with those who say it's all semantics, really.

You want him to commit exclusively to you (in terms of sex) but you don't want a relationship. It makes no sense. So you're happy for him to date, message and kiss other girls, but not sleep with them?

No wonder he's confused!

Gottagetmoving · 12/07/2018 14:53

If you want to have sex so soon with someone, that's fine but if you are then expecting them to make that exclusive so soon, it's a bit weird. Don't have sex so early on if it's going to lead to this problem.

applesandpears56 · 12/07/2018 20:01

I agree -next time wait a bit longer

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 20:24

I don't think sex on the third date is too soon or early.

I think it's fine to say are we sleeping with other folks or just each other at this stage, how do you feel, and he's clearly said it was just her. You can ask if that changes to let you know.

I think it's when you move to saying at rhis stage, you don't want him to sleep with others, state you think you will be sleeping with each other regularly, ask him about being sexually tested, suggest going bare back and there fore asking him to trust you totally with contraception, then try to prerens you're not asking for a commitment, it's a bit too much too soon for a lot of people.

applesandpears56 · 12/07/2018 20:31

I think it’s a bit early if you don’t know them before - it’s much better to build up friendship first surely for a few more dates. There might be this odd ‘3rd date’ expectation around but in reality married couples when they first started dating rarely follow this pattern - usually they’ll know each other a bit better first or if they do start as a one night stand there’s later been a period where the wider bond between them develops. I don’t think it’s fair to novice daters to pretend sex on a 3rd date is the norm in actual reality - you’ve only usually known them for about 9 hours by then!

applesandpears56 · 12/07/2018 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 12/07/2018 20:43

I'm not saying it's the norm, I said I didn't think it was too early! Its totally dependant on the couple. They should have sex when they are both comfortable with it. They are adults.

I really don't agree the issue is having sex on the third date, I think, as said, on the sixth date asking for so much that's possibly killed it.

applesandpears56 · 12/07/2018 20:43

Sorry wrong thread!!!

Marnie182 · 12/07/2018 20:49

Another one who thinks you should text him as he's more than likely mortified he couldn't get an erection, coupled with you leaving at 2 am he probably thinks he's blown it.

Original poster
Lilylo · 12/07/2018 22:46

UPDATE: I texted him something breezy and he replies immediately and said he hoped to see me again soon! Yay! Grin

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 13/07/2018 08:03

Pleased for you Lilylo
Maybe don't over think it next time and don't wait for the man to make the move Grin

applesandpears56 · 13/07/2018 08:37

Am I the only one thinking - no! Move on. He likes you as a sex partner only- he’s not that into you.
I would meet up with him - and have a proper conversation with him about what you want - taking on board peoples comments here. If he doesn’t want what you want - move on. If you don’t want a casual fuck - don’t become someone’s casual fuck

Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 08:44

I'm not sure either, if you were texting a lot and seeing each other weekly, is "hope to see you again soon" not a bit of a brush off?

Also what is your plan? The situation hasn't changed, he still doesn't want to commit to exclusivity. You don't want to sleep with him otherwise. I'm not sure I understand the "yay".

Original poster
Lilylo · 13/07/2018 08:55

Also what is your plan? The situation hasn't changed, he still doesn't want to commit to exclusivity. You don't want to sleep with him otherwise.

I asked him if he was sleeping with other people, he said no and that he wanted to see where this thing between us went. That was the end of the conversation. Not sure where he said he did not want to commit to exclusivity?

We scheduled a date for this Sunday.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 13/07/2018 10:32

Then what's the thread about, it makes no sense, you were feeling down, wanted him to process the convo, were even saying it was best to end it, now you're happy with how it was left, and seeing him Sunday.

It's all a bit odd,

It reads like you're just happy he didn dump you so now are back tracking.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.