To think he isn't just that into me?

[Lilylo]

Hi all, I am feeling a bit down and I'd love some perspective on the situation I am currently dealing with.

I met this guy on OLD nearly 6 weeks ago. We had 6 dates, all went really well, loads of chemistry and laughter. We slept together 3 times, including tonight. Plenty of daily texting in between dates, which he mostly initiated. I thought he was really keen on me.

Today we had a great date, we stayed out for drinks and we had a lovely time. He kept hinting at things to do together in the future (like watching a theater play). We went back to his and we DTD. After that, I playfully approached the subject of sleeping with other people, as I felt that after DTD 3 times (today was the third time) I did not feel comfortable with the possibility of him sleeping with other women, while he was sleeping with me regularly. He also has issues with condoms, so I said if he gets tested we could consider going condom-free, since I am on the pill.

I made it quite clear that I was not asking about relationship exclusivity, just sex exclusivity.

He said he was not sleeping with anyone else and that he thought we should see "where this thing between us goes". Then he initiated DTD again, just to lose an erection as soon as he put the condom on. He then blamed the conversation about sex we just had, as he said it was "playing on his mind". Then he said he wanted me to sleep over and just cuddle.

I woke up at 2am in his bed (and in his arms) and got dressed and left (I need to go to work tomorrow). We said goodbye but it felt awkward.

I don't like the way this exchange made me feel and I don't think this bodes well for the future. I don't think that asking whether he is sleeping with other people 6 weeks in is an outrageous thing to do?

AIBU to think that after this I should just move on, because he clearly isn't as into me as he should be by now?

Although I understand where you are coming from, in his head he heard you saying you wished to be exclusive and move into a serious relationship because sexual health testing and going condom free and not sleeping with anyone else kinda says that.

He's not ready for that as you've only met each other six times. Neither of you is wrong, you're just at different stages of the relationship. You want to move the relationship to a different basis. He doesn't.

If you don't wish to sleep with him regularly if he may be involved with others, then don't. He may not be sleeping with others, he maybe just doesn't want to put this on the footing you want right now.

To be honest, if I'd met a bloke six times and shagged him three times, and he suggested it, I'd be a bit pensive too and think it was too much too soon, that we hardly knew each other.

trojanpony
Totally agree!
You like each other and are having sex- not may years ago it was totally normal and fine to expect that if you are seeing one person it is decent to do that one at a time- why do we all suddenly have to be OK with multiple partners and not rocking the boat by being needy.
Surely, it's fine to expect decent behaviour - and for women to be able to express that they want a relationship- why do we all have to pretend we are all really cool with this weird commitment phobic attitude?

I think I must live in Lala land, because to me the idea of regularly sleeping with multiple people is unthinkable. I must be really old school!

Lilylo me too! but my worry is that this idea is becoming pervasive and young women in particular struggle with it. It doesn't feel right to them (generally speaking) and yet they feel they must behave contrary to what they feel to fit into the current narratives of dating. Which seems to me to be the opposite of how we want young women to be able to navigate the world.

I don't want to keep going out with someone that is looking for casual dates and no strings attached sex. Nothing wrong with wanting those things, it is just not what I want.

I'm not criticising you - have sex with whoever you want - but you're saying you're not after casual sex - so why are you having it?

Adaline sleeping with someone I am really attracted to, feel a connection with and talk everyday to is not casual sex to me. Casual sex is sex with no emotional involvement. But here it felt like we were building a rapport, hence not casual sex to me.

I appreciate he might feel differently about it.

Lilyo I agree with you. When I did OLD I would have a few dates (if it got that far) and then consider DTD but only after a conversation that neither would then sleep around until either the "relationship" came to a natural end or it went further.

I only ended up dtd with one other before I met with my now husband.

However my dh was very respectful. I told him I would only dtd when I was ready. We went out on at least 5 dates before it happened. We had Frank conversations about not talking to anyone else through the OLD and where we were both at. Few months later I moved in, few months after he proposed. Couple years down the line we are happily married with baby.

He needs to be respectful of your wishes and vice versa, that makes a healthy relationship. If he doesn't respect what you want (within reason) then it's not going to go much further.

You have to be able to trust each other.

I remember the other OlD relationship where I was dtd with the guy.... it ended weirdly.... one morning we woke up and he wouldn't speak to me... (this was after 6 months) and I was like.... I'll just go then... and he responded... I think that's for the best... I never did find out where it went wrong in a seemingly decent relationship.

If it doesn't work then learn from it, was was very stand offish with my dh in the first few weeks... I would leave it a while to reply to texts and let him ask me out etc cause I wanted to make sure it was right... in the past I was the opposite... i learnt .. it worked

Good luck, if he isn't the one then keep looking... we all have to kiss those frogs to find a prince l(or princess)

See to me, if you're just sleeping with someone with no commitment on either side (you're not in a relationship and hadn't really discussed being exclusive) then it's still casual sex.

Talking to someone daily does not a relationship make. He could be talking to numerous other people everyday - with texting and such, it's not hard to do that. I also think texting everyday makes things seem a lot more intimate than they are - it's very easy to over-share by text.

Happygummybear thank you for your kind words, you really made me feel better :)

I think the thing is you should have established you were mutually exclusive BEFORE you slept with him, not afterwards

We’ve all been there tbh - hence talking from experience!

The thing is no one is telling you to be cool with it or shag other people. The point is it's if he does not wish to be exclusive with you then stop seeing him. He's told you he's not sleeping with anyone else, he just doesn't want to commit to you at this stage.

That's his right and there is nothing wrong with that after six dates, if you wish a sexual exclusivity commitment, there is nothing wrong with that either. Simply move on and end it.

Bluntness Yes I suspect at this point ending it might be the best solution moving forward.

You're just at different stages. You're talking longer term. Going condom free, being tested, you don't do that unless you're foreseeing a proper relationship.

He's simply not reached the stage he wishes to commit to that yet. He wants to see where it's going. It is very early. You've only literally met three rimes and shagged three of those.

You were willing to sleep with him not knowing if he was seeing other women, or discussing exclusivity. You've now decided you no longer wish that, even knowing he isn't seeing someone else. You wish the commitment of no one else.

So ending it really is the only option. You can't comprise on what you want and you can't force him to commit when he's told you he prefers to give it a bit longer.

Sorry met six times.

Bluntness I think you misunderstood my OP, I did not ask for commitment, I just wanted to make sure he was not sleeping with other people given that at this point we are sleeping together regularly. All I said was "Are you sleeping with other people? I ask because I don't feel comfortable sleeping with a man who is sleeping with someone else". No mention of commitment, or relationship, or anything.

But asking for someone not to sleep with anyone else is asking for commitment in a roundabout way

No, maybe it's me using the wrong words, it implies commitment. You wish the relationship to go forward quite substantially ie sexual health testing, no condoms and don't wish him to have sex with other people. You don't request that for one more date. It implies that he is then in an exclusive relationship with you. It's very hard to argue that you're then cool with him dating others.

It's fine to want it, just if he doesn't then bow out gracefully.

I ask because I don't feel comfortable sleeping with a man who is sleeping with someone else". No mention of commitment, or relationship, or anything.

Wasn't the time to figure this out before you started sleeping with him? In his mind, you were okay with it three dates ago but aren't okay with it now, which says you want commitment.

Ahhhh come on, You are doing the mess around here now OP...

You already said you don’t want casual NSA sex so while you maybe didn’t explicitly mention “commitment or relationship” etc it’s clear it’s what you want....

I’m not having a go there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and you are within your right to be asking for it but be honest and unashamed about what you want don’t mess about with semantics and insist “ I just wanted to check he isn’t shagging anyone else but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship / commitment”
Please correct me if I’m wrong though as I may have misread this thanks to

Sorry OP - im confused, you want him to be sexually exclusive to you, but you dont want a commitment from him (relationship wise?) So you and him can just date other people, then when naturally things in that arrangement progress, what is he/are you meant to say to the person he/you is/are dating - 'sorry, i cant because im sexually committed to someone else, but i can go on dates with you?!'

Hes not on the same level as you - far too soon for him it seems, i think best you leave this OP. Sorry.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here OP. YANBU to have the conversation but springing it on him right after sex is not the best idea. Then he lost his erection: that’s a massive deal to a lot of men especially if it happens early on in a relationship. So I’m not really surprised your 2am goodbye was “awkward”.

I think you should give him a little bit of space and see what happens. It sounds like the poor guy was just a bit overwhelmed and needed time to process things. That doesn’t mean he’s not into you, it’s what he does next that matters.

I agree with bluntness.

You've started talking about commitment and exclusivity (or at least conveying it without explicitly mentioning it) and he's not at that point yet. It is pretty early, tbf. It may be that he's not that into you, or it may be that he just likes to get to know somebody better before committing.

The difference between commitment and not having sex with others is relatively clear to me!

What I'd like from him at this stage is: you and I are not together, we are seeing each other and we like each other. We are not a couple yet, but we want to take the time to focus on this to see where it goes, without sleeping around.

Then, if and when things proceeded and we got to the relationship level: you and I are together, we are a couple and in a proper romantic relationship and we are committed to each other.

It does not sound like the same thing to me..?

PS: in an world where dating multiple people was not the norm (my ideal world to be honest!), this conversation would not be needed.

I have been on the receiving end of dating someone for 3 months (regular dates, daily contact, regular sex, appearance of intimacy), just to find out that he was dating other 2 women exactly in the same way.

I never want to find myself in that situation and feel that humiliation ever again.