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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice needed, please be nice

79 replies

atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 19:00

I am totally at my wits end, My 17 year old told me last week she is pregnant!! Ok, not ideal, but nothing can be done about it now. I just dont know what to do or say to her to make her get a grip. She sleeps all day, awake all night, keeps cancelling her shifts at work because shes tired (ffs!), her bf has no intention on getting a job and his mum doesnt want him to quit college anyway, I just dont know what to do any more. I have tried the nice nice approach, I have tried the short sharp shock approach, nothing is getting through to her to make her realise she is going to be a mum and she needs to grow up. I come home from work and the dishes are in the sink, no house work what so ever is done, I dont expect her to do the house top to bottom, just to clean up after herself. There is no money for prams, cot bottles.....nothing. It seems like she doesnt care and that somehow it will just magically drop in her lap. When i try talking to her she storms off in a paddy and threatens to move in with bf and family. I dont want to push her away, i want to support her but she is making it bloody hard!!

OP posts:
Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 19:44

Anybody please?

OP posts:
Justanotheruser01 · 09/07/2018 19:47

As hard as it is, let her. Let her realise how good she has got it with you , she will either fly or fall be ready to catch her if she needs you

KittyHawke80 · 09/07/2018 19:48

She might be able to get a maternity grant of five hundred quid for a buggy etc, but I’m aware that’s not really addressing your bigger problem. How far along is she? Does she want to keep the baby? Will she consider adoption? I hope someone with experience of your situation can be more helpful. I do feel for you.

marymoosmum · 09/07/2018 19:48

Do you know anyone with a baby or toddler that she can babysit so she can see how much work it is and that she needs to wake up? Has she had her first scan yet? Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet. At least she already has her sleep pattern sorted for when the baby is here. Also maybe take her to look around shops to see how much stuff costs. Is the other gp prepared to help financially with some of the stuff?

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 19:57

Agree with justanotheruser. There's not much you can do. It probably hasn't really hit home yet. Sounds like she doesn't want to face reality - does she want to keep the baby?

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:14

Shes around 6/7 weeks. Shes definately keeping the baby, shes already chose her pram, cot and a ridiculous amount of baby clothes, all adding up to over £1500!!!! Not bought anything yet, obviously, this is all in a basket online somewhere. She is aware she may be able to get the grant, which is good because in her words..."i could do with some new clothes"!!! when i said that isnt what the grant is for, she stormed off saying.."ill just walk round looking like a tramp then" I honestly think all she can see is dressing up a baby and taking it out for a walk in a nice shiny pram. I just dont think she or her bf are mature enough to realise what a commitment a baby is.

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immortalmarble · 09/07/2018 20:15

Did she really say that Hmm

MynameisJune · 09/07/2018 20:22

There isn’t much you can do. She is pregnant, yes she is young but it’s time you let her stand on her own two feet. If that means she moves out for a while then do be it. Just make sure she doesn’t think the door is closed to her permanently.

You can’t raise this baby for her, and you can’t tell someone how much their life will change until it does.

Singlenotsingle · 09/07/2018 20:23

She's in for a hard landing then, isn't she?

KittyHawke80 · 09/07/2018 20:23

Is that a sceptical face? I can well imagine a seventeen-year-Old saying that. My friend, in her late twenties, spent the maternity grant on patio furniture and beauty treatments.

Sammyham88 · 09/07/2018 20:24

Might be worth getting in touch with her BF and parents and you all having a calm sit down and discussing what the future holds, would also suggest you and your daughter having another one on one chat now it's been a week in a neutral location like a coffee shop and really outlining what she's about to face. She's an adult now and hopefully being treated like one and spoken to frankly might be enough for the enormity to start sinking in, it's still early days though so things are unlikely to change over night.

Don't let her threaten or take advantage of you either, she's 17 & pregnant, what do you think she'll really be able to do? She's just bluffing you. In your talk you need to be really firm that while she's under your roof she needs to respect you and your home and start pulling her own weight and if she doesn't then there will be consequences.

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:24

@immortalmarble She actually did! I dont believe she meant the whole £500, maybe just £50, but the comment itself shown how immature she is.

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Pengggwn · 09/07/2018 20:28

I honestly don't know what to advise you. This will be a rocky road, for all of you if you decide to offer her your support, for her (and much more so) if you don't. She will grow up quickly, I'd imagine, when she has a small baby demanding all of her attention and money she hasn't got.

If the boyfriend doesn't intend to get a job, how does he intend to contribute to supporting his child?

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:31

@Sammyham88, Its tough though, I hate being the bad guy, im trying not to be negative, just real. I like the neutral location idea, think ill take her Costa or somewhere tomorrow and have a chat. Thanks everyone

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MumW · 09/07/2018 20:31

My only suggestion is to tell her you can provide her with emotional support but you can't finance her child now, or for the next 18 years, and, whilst you are willing to do some babysitting, you have no intention of doing the 24 hours 7 days a week - that will be down to her and BF as it's their baby.

Can you you speak to her school and see if they have access to one of those 'practice' babies that cry through the night - might be the wake up call she needs.

SongforSal · 09/07/2018 20:32

OP... I was in a different situation to your daughter, but I was also expecting at age 17. The entire pregnancy was overwhelming. I am ashamed to say I wished it away the entire time as I simply wasn't ready to be a parent. Fortunately the second I saw my little girls face everything changed. Including any selfishness. That little girl is of to Uni in Sept and has been the most perfect human a parent could ask for. Give your DD a chance. The perception of a baby belies the reality, emotion and commitment. If your DD was anything like me. She is scared to fuck and putting on bravado.

ArnoldBee · 09/07/2018 20:35

I agree that your daughter needs to discuss with you what her plans are and if she's expecting to live with you once the baby is here for example if that's what you want.

immortalmarble · 09/07/2018 20:37

shows how immature she is

Or how normal

She is 17, not 27, not 37.

She will be a mother but she will still be a teenager. Trust me.

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:37

@Songforsal. Well done, sounds like you have done an amazing job bringing your ds into the world. You should be proud. I hope your right, its a long time to wait and find out though.

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Lotsofdigestives · 09/07/2018 20:38

Do you want her living with you with a baby?

adoggymama · 09/07/2018 20:39

Jesus she doesn't sound ready to be a mother IMO. Is she prepared to give up her teen social life to care for a baby? She does realise it's a lot more than just dressing the baby upGrin
I know it's a touchy subject if she wants to keep it, but will the baby have the best quality of life with her and bf? (who might not potentially be in the picture in years to come!)

Deffo agree on getting her some experience with children- any friends with young babies/ toddlers you can visit with her? (Wouldn't recommend her just babysitting if she's never cared for a child before!) x

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:40

@Immortalmarble, You are right, she is 17, however, she wants to be treated like a grown up and do grown up things, then she needs to act like one, she cant have it both ways

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immortalmarble · 09/07/2018 20:43

Well she can, can’t she? And she will.

Nothing will force a 17 year old to suddenly grow up, it doesn’t work like that. That’s why we don’t go from four to twelve.

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2018 20:44

I was a teenage pregnancy midwife for many years and sadly this isn’t uncommon. She has to get on and start to take responsibility for herself, she will soon have responsibility for another small human..

She needs to make her own medical appointments and ensure she keeps them. Keep track of what, when and where. Often teens have never even made a GP appointment before so it is a learning curve.

Be clear that you will help but she must, if she wishes to live with you, start to act more like an adult and clear up after herself, do her laundry and so on. She won’t storm off for long if she has a comfortable billet with you.

This pregnancy is very early, she must have some plans for education or work of some kind, again, as an investment for her baby. Seek advice from local colleges or teenage services if they exist locally. Most maternity units have a TP midwife.

It’s going to be hard. I’ve seen many young people do brilliantly though. Mostly when they have good family support. I do feel for you though. Some of her current behaviour may be shock and denial which are producing immature behaviour. Try to have solid boundaries and mean it.

Good luck.

Original poster
atmywitsend7352 · 09/07/2018 20:45

@Lotsofdigestives Its not a choice I would have made, but i certainly wouldnt want her to be on her own, I think we have decided she will be living at home for a while at least

@adoggymamma She doesnt really have a social life, its all bf at the moment, I am hoping, once the baby is here, she will give the baby her undivided attention. She has baby sat before quite regularly, and, to be fair, she is fantastic with kids, but its easy when you can hand them back

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