Advice needed, please be nice

[atmywitsend7352]

I am totally at my wits end, My 17 year old told me last week she is pregnant!! Ok, not ideal, but nothing can be done about it now. I just dont know what to do or say to her to make her get a grip. She sleeps all day, awake all night, keeps cancelling her shifts at work because shes tired (ffs!), her bf has no intention on getting a job and his mum doesnt want him to quit college anyway, I just dont know what to do any more. I have tried the nice nice approach, I have tried the short sharp shock approach, nothing is getting through to her to make her realise she is going to be a mum and she needs to grow up. I come home from work and the dishes are in the sink, no house work what so ever is done, I dont expect her to do the house top to bottom, just to clean up after herself. There is no money for prams, cot bottles.....nothing. It seems like she doesnt care and that somehow it will just magically drop in her lap. When i try talking to her she storms off in a paddy and threatens to move in with bf and family. I dont want to push her away, i want to support her but she is making it bloody hard!!

Loopytiles, no-one can say "what her reality as a Mother" will be, though.
As they can't with a woman ten or twenty years older than her.

If you are talking about potential income, well that's different.

I totally agree with you OP

You are right, she is 17, however, she wants to be treated like a grown up and do grown up things, then she needs to act like one, she cant have it both ways

Personally if this was my daughter I would give her an ultimatum with a date that she needs to have her own place and have moved out by. If she is being this lazy now she is going to totally leave it all on your doorstep and you will find yourself forking out £1500 for everything baby needs. And then afterwards, feed, clothe and babysit because she will want to go out and enjoy her young life.

But the decision is yours to make, good luck by the sounds of it you are going to need it.

Birdsgottafly teenage pregnancy and a lowered potential income are not mutually exclusive.

I know 8 young parents myself and 75% of them earn more than the national average (or will when they qualify). Not entirely representative of the entire body of young mothers but teenage pregnancy should not be an obstacle to success.

Support her emotionally
But let her know you won't be supporting her financially. This doesn't mean you won't give gifts for the baby, but she wants the pram etc then she has to pay for it.
Advise her not to spend too much on maternity clothes, sure staple pieces like jeans and vests etc, but for other things hit up a primark and try different styles and sizes.
Set boundaries with baby sitting etc.
Expect her to do the housework and work she was doing before.
I did a mixture of long days and nights while pregnant and had pretty bad sickness, but I still worked! Most pregnant women are working unless physically unable to!

I was exhausted at 6-7 weeks. could not move off the sofa.

I think you need to cut her some slack, this parenting lark is bloody tricky as an adult... she is a child having a child.. and it is going to be bloody hard work for her.

the childs father finishing college may be better for the child in the long run. better job prospects.

Anecdotes aren’t data.

No one knows what OP’s DD’s reality will be, but being a single parent is highly likely, for example, as is being on a low income and in poor quality housing. Unless OP is able and willing to provide financial support in the early years. OP may well have told her this already.

I had my third child at the age of 18. I'm sure once the baby is here she'll switch to motherhood instantly, and all the love snd maternal instincts will kick in.

Loopy of course anecdotes aren't data. However they can display that, with the right support (not 100% financial) this doesn't have to be the 'end' of OPs DD.

As I said I worked 3 jobs for 3 years, while studying. Between my jobs, working tax credit, child tax credit, a student loan, a young student bursary and a lone parent grant (SAAS funded) I had enough to live on and save, as well as contributing to my mum and dads household.
It can be done.
I had none of those when I fell pregnant.
I didn't get a job until he was 3 months old and then had the other 2 less than 3 weeks later.

Giving deadlines for jobs, buying stuff etc is going to do more harm than good.

It’s so early OP but I know how you must feel. I like the advice given about letting her book appointments etc
She is going to be mum and you get to be a grandma/nanna. Enjoy that part by supporting your daughter and not doing everything for her. If you are doing everything she will continue to expect that

It’s early days and she is likely to be really tired but also possibly putting on a front as she isn’t ready to really explore what it all means.
Is she 100% sure she is keeping the baby? Have you had the discussion where you tell her she needs to consider her options fully- and that you are behind her whatever she decides?
If so- leave it for a few weeks to let the dust settle. Things don’t have to be decided and planned out right now and you deserve some time yourself to feel what you’re feeling and have some space. Maybe after the first scan arrange a sit down where you discuss some actual
Plans for the future.
Meantime make sure she is taking her follow acid and cut her a little slack but perhaps begin to enlist her help with everyday tasks as well.
Pm me if you want to- 10 weeks till my grandchild arrives and my daughter is not long 18. At home too. 💐

I wouldn’t advocate ultimatums on jobs or anything else, but OP’s DD may not have thought things through realistically - she may for example be assuming her bf will play a full role, which is unlikely, or that OP will provide childcare and money. She has a choice about termination and it’d be best for this to be fully informed, whatever she decides.

I have no experience on this but would any reverse psychology on this work perhaps? As in she mentions something about the pregnancy and then ask her what she is planning to do. If she feels unwell, tired etc it could be an opportunity to remind her or ask about her next appointment/folic acid/diet etc.

Don't do any washing for her, put it back in her room if it ends up in the laundry basket. If you do evening meals for her - go out for an evening here and there and let her fend for herself (when there's very little in the fridge etc). At 17, pregnant or not, she can fend for herself and by god she's going to have to learn PDQ if she's going to cope with a newborn.

If she says she needs something for the baby, I would ask her what her plan is to pay for it. As a PP said. Leave the gaps.

Going against the grain here but I'd make it very clear how hard it will be as I would offer no financial support at all.

Sorry thats a bit mean but I had a termination a couple of weeks before my 17th birthday. Looking back I was literally a child. I am still relieved to this day.

Hi OP, I have not long been in this situation myself except my daughter was younger. I chose to support her no matter what she decided and she now has a 7 month old baby. I went over all the pros and cons with her gently while she made her decision. We cried together and we laughed together. We got scared together.
But I laid down some boundaries. I explained I would buy all the stuff but she was to pay me back with the maternity grant, that I would only babysit once a week, that I would not get up to help with night feeds, she would be responsible for all her and babies washing, gp appointments etc....I was pretty brutal as she needed to know that was the reality.

It has worked out for us and she has taken full responsibility for the little one. Obviously I have cut her a little slack (because I was a single mum) and I do an extra couple of hours babysitting here and there, I do the odd bath, the odd nappy, the odd meal time etc...and my daughter really appreciates it but I don’t make it a regular occurrence. Ultimately I’m really enjoying being a Grandparent and I’m very proud of my daughter as she has really met her responsibilities and by laying down those boundaries early we haven’t clashed at all.

MitchDash Are you seriously basing your opinion on a TV programme called teen mom's? You said it always ends badly. Utter rubbish. Dp and I have been together since 17. Nothing has ended badly for us, after nearly 20 yrs we are possibly in a better financial position than most our age thanks to everything we have done together to raise our dcs. Don't tar teenage parents with prejudice. It's not cool.

"Going against the grain here but I'd make it very clear how hard it will be as I would offer no financial support at all.
Sorry thats a bit mean but I had a termination a couple of weeks before my 17th birthday. Looking back I was literally a child. I am still relieved to this day."

As long as the financial help wouldn't be given if she was a "socially acceptable" age. The opinion seems to be that young Mothers should be punished for their choices. It's no wonder that the rate of PND is higher, some would have them treated like shit.

baxterboi, you may have been barley more than a child, but some of us mature earlier.

Loopytiles, there are lots of people on low incomes, in not great housing. But actually the social housing in my city, Liverpool is good quality, so are the private lets. More people live average lives, with pay not much above NMW, no university etc, than don't. But, unlike what posters on here seem to think, you can still be happy, it isn't doom/gloom/drudgery. It depends on whether you equate success with income.

There will be people having babies at the approved age (on here) who will never own their own home, or earn high wages, but the treatment advocated on here, is applied to them.

Personally I would be protecting my DD's Mental Health and not put her under unnecessary pressure and worry.

Read the threads on here and in relationships, were the children are at risk because the posters are with arseholes, no-one says "give your child up for adoption", the way they do just because the Mother is a Teenager.

@birdsgottafly 👏🏻

@birdsgottafly that’s meant to be clapping hands- Bravo!!!! Well said indeed. You are spot on.

sailorcherries, don't know why you've single me out, I'm actually on the side of the DD being treated well.

However, more single Mum's are living in lower income circumstances, than are, especially if they haven't got the support of their PILs/Child's Father/Family. But that doesn't mean that they are any less happy and that the children are adversely affected.

MN has a higher rate of Women with good incomes and higher education than the general population and they seem to think that the poor should be pitied and patronised.

I'd remind her termination is an option. The reasonable one.

One of the few people in my friends circle who is still with her original DH is someone who eloped at 16/17 and quickly had 2 DS.

Maybe you need to allow her to be responsible for her own actions sometimes as parents we need to let go and allow them to learn themselves bc no matter what we say they will do the opposite. Plant mustard seeds and watch them grow ... Your daughter is controlling you and continues to do so bc you allow it, practice boundaries and tough love with her, alleviate the stress from you let her go to her boyfriends house let someone else put up with her moods she will come back bc every girl needs their mum especially when a child is involved.. Dont kick her out in however convince her that moving in with boyfriends parents is a good idea sometimes we need to support them even when we dont agree with what they are doing.. The more you push the further she will go, and at same time dont allow her to treat you badly

fnp.nhs.uk/about-us/
This scheme, Family Nurse Partnership, would be perfect for you. It's part of the NHS and one of the best projects I have seen.
It had an amazing impact on my niece at a similar age. She now has her own home and job at 23 and her daughter is thriving.

How's it going OP? Did you have a chat over coffee?