Advice needed, please be nice

[atmywitsend7352]

I am totally at my wits end, My 17 year old told me last week she is pregnant!! Ok, not ideal, but nothing can be done about it now. I just dont know what to do or say to her to make her get a grip. She sleeps all day, awake all night, keeps cancelling her shifts at work because shes tired (ffs!), her bf has no intention on getting a job and his mum doesnt want him to quit college anyway, I just dont know what to do any more. I have tried the nice nice approach, I have tried the short sharp shock approach, nothing is getting through to her to make her realise she is going to be a mum and she needs to grow up. I come home from work and the dishes are in the sink, no house work what so ever is done, I dont expect her to do the house top to bottom, just to clean up after herself. There is no money for prams, cot bottles.....nothing. It seems like she doesnt care and that somehow it will just magically drop in her lap. When i try talking to her she storms off in a paddy and threatens to move in with bf and family. I dont want to push her away, i want to support her but she is making it bloody hard!!

Is there any possibility of her speaking to someone else who's had a baby young? It sounds like she doesn't want to think about the practicalities and needs someone to let her know how huge this is. I hope you get through to her soon.

I was a teenage mum I was younger than your dd.
All I can say is when Dd1 was born I quickly realised that I needed my parents help emotionally and financially.

Sorry this has happened.

Suggest you make clear your boundaries, eg housing, money, childcare.

And advise her to think through how she will work towards her and her DCs’ future, given that her bf is likely to continue at college, ie not do 50% of parenting (and may do none), that most teen parent couples break up, and a significant minority of dads pay no maintenance and/or do no parenting at all.

If she doesn’t listen all you can do is maintain your boundaries.

OP, maybe I phrased it wrong, by firm I meant real also, that doesn't make you the bad guy or negative, your DD might not want to hear a lot of what you're going to say because it'll be a lot to take in but so long as your calm with her she'll soon realise that you're only looking out for her best interests and how much you care about her.

Hope it all goes well and works out for all of you!

It's early days, cut her some slack, as presumably she's feeling like death, all hormonal and still getting her head around it. Make it clear that if she and her bf have made the decision to keep the baby they need a plan as to how they will become self-supporting. Presumably she has only just found out? Oh and remind her that as you aren't made of money she will be buying everything secondhand and making do.
Keep telling her you love her and that you are sure she'll be a brilliant mum... if she's really sure she wants to go through with it.

As a total aside but surely they don't give a grant in actual money ??? Why don't they give it in vouchers you can only use in baby shops ffs !! 🙄

@hendricksy I totally agree, that makes more sense than giving people cash, Im sure most would use it towards the baby's needs, however, Im pretty sure some will spend it on totally ridiculous things like a pp said, on beauty treatments and patio furniture.

I was pregnant at 17 and might have acted same as your daughter looking back (was a long time ago and my memory is a bit hazy!). Please be patient with her I know it's hard my own daughter is 16 now so I know what teens are like! Realistically though she will really need your support now more than ever.

I did move in with my boyfriend and his family and I was very lucky that they supported us financially for a few years.

I went on to finish my A levels and then got a very good job in the city earning over 40k a year by the time I was 30.

We moved out when I was 21 and my daughter was 4, bought our own flat etc so it doesn't mean she will be a failure.

However we did have a lot of support from my boyfriend parents which we are very grateful for. Still together with hubby and have another child :)

I don't know what I'm trying to say to be honest, this doesn't mean that she will have a crap life or be a bad mother but at the moment she is a teenager and she will need support there's no other way unfortunately.

Also I had no clue about babies, went to autopilot when my daughter was born maybe due to shock of if all (feeding changing but didn't know how to interact with her).

It took me watching my own mum cuddle and stroke her to understand that but I would have taken a massive offence if she told me I was doing it wrong. I would advise to keep an eye on her discreetly if you can and she will learn how to act around the baby when she watches you (even if she will never tell you this ;) )

atmywitsend I wasn't bragging btw. Her younger brother is a right handful! My mum was mortified, despairing, worried, the absolute lot. Very much like you sound. I am 36 now and have obviously come across parents across a broad age spectrum over the years. What I have learnt is that some people cope better as parents than others and age has never been deciding factor on how the child is raised. One of my Dds best mates mum is in her 50s whilst I am in my 30s. She had her in 40s and concentrated on a career prior to that. We have similar incomes and houses. I just happen to have done things the wrong way round. X

how are you feeling about it OP? Your hurt and disappointment are natural hun x How is DD feeling? How does the Father feel?

Is she deffo preg? Have u seen a positive test?

If she plans to keep the baby she will so need u. The cheapest travel system in Argos is the Graco Literider (pushchair and car seat))at 96 gbp then the Joie Juva at 129 gbp. Ikea sniglar cots are 39 gbp. aldi nappies newborn are 90p. wipes 49p

I never got the surestart grant. Our jobcentre wouldnt let unmarried mums claim, i bought everything myself pram, pushchair, cot from mat pay

www.babycentre.co.uk/a562850/your-rights-and-benefits

""And advise her to think through how she will work towards her and her DCs’ future, given that her bf is likely to continue at college, ie not do 50% of parenting (and may do none), that most teen parent couples break up, and a significant minority of dads pay no maintenance and/or do no parenting at all.""

Tbh, she doesn't need to hear that right now. There are Women on here who get told to tell their MILs to FO, when they try to get them to go shopping early for baby stuff.

I think you should lay off for a bit. Things will run their course.

Only put boundaries in place around housework that you'd expect her to do if she wasn't pregnant.

I've been around a lot of pregnant Teens, you can't tell by early planning which one's will naturally take to caring for a baby.

SongforSal, who gets to decide when Women have babies, to say that it is wrong or right?

hendricksy , because it's the first test of suitability for Parenthood and you can them buy secondhand, in Aldi etc and get more for your money.

Women get a years Maternity Leave, she should be planning to be looking after her newborn, for now.

She does have the right to leave and be supported elsewhere, do you want that?

As for irregular sleeping, well that's going to be happening soon, anyway. The money is going to come in the form of benefits.

I think that you should give her space, have the first scan and then see what the reaction is.

Her BF can make a load of promises, as can her Parents, but they don't really mean anything.

She probably is exhausted. The begging of my pregnancy I couldn't go to work either.
Give her a chance, she will have to grow up with a baby. It's probably hard for her to imagine rn.

I have a pre-schooler, I am in my mid 40’s.

I started trying to conceive at age of 21....it took 22 years to get her and cost us in excess of £55k.

If she came home at 17 and told me this news I’d be so relieved. She wouldn’t have to go through the loss of time, financial & emotional distress we did. I’d be ecstatic.

Have you not watched Teen Mom? It always ends badly and the girls raise the kids on their own.

My advice is, leave the gaps, do not fill them. It is hard but if you keep filling the gaps by paying for her phone, giving her money for the baby, making appointments and checking on her about eating etc she won't learn to fill the gaps herself. It's the hardest bit but, Leave. The. Gaps.

Also, the grant can be used to buy clothes, she will be needing them, at 29 weeks pregnant and her outlook will have changed, so you are making unnecessary arguments, tbh.

OP I was 18, still at school and working part time when I found out I was pregnant. I moved out a month later. Finished work at 7 months.

Finished school on the Friday, had ds on the Tuesday, back at school the following week with the baby to finish my course. I started university a few months later.

Ds is off to uni in September, he's doing law and wants to be a lawyer.
It was hard work! But it is possible to succeed with a baby and being a teen mum.

I will say through the first 10 weeks I could sleep anywhere! Would get home from school and sleep from 5pm until 7am. Luckily I had no other symptoms except tiredness.

One other girl in my year also had a baby around the same time. She too, moved out, stayed on at school and went to university. So I wasn't unique!!

I just want you too see that it doesn't have to be the end that's all. That it spent have to be her giving up her life.

Could you see if there are any groups etc in your area for young mum's, where she could meet expectant mother and new young mum's. Because one thing is for sure, you does need to grow up quickly. Good Luck

Thanks everyone, a lot of good advice and tips. I will try and be more patient and understanding.

Excuse the typos- typing quickly on phone!

Just to say, I dont think this will mean her life is over, i just want her to realise how that its not going to be easy, thats all

We know OP. It may just take a little time to sink in, or it may not sink under until your dgc is here.

I've lost count of the threads I've read, where a couple have tried for
Years for their dc, and when they've come they've struggled, because the reality is totally different. And that's those who've been desperate and planning their baby. They love them with every ounce of their being, but it's been a shock as to how difficult it can be.
So I think none of us can really imagine what it's going to be like until the time, no matter how much we prepare.

I think OP’s DD does need to hear, once, what her reality as a mother is most likely to be like, and what OP and OP’s partner if she has one is and is not willing to do. If DD ignores that, it’s her call.

The PP who had financial help from PILs, achieved well and married the father of their DC is, sadly, not the norm.

I got pregnant at 16, after 2 months in uni. I was a bit like your dsughter at first and completely oblivious to the reality I was about to face. I remained so until my 12 week scan. I remember seeing my DS appear on screen and it all became very very real.
I was terrified, I shit myself daily about the future. I refused to discuss the pregnancy, refused to go out, wanted to sleep all day and waste my time away. I knew I wasn't ready. I knew there were a finite number of days before everything changed. I knew I was out of my depth.

In the end I did get a pram, cot etc in my third trimester when I pulled myself together. I personally didn't become ready to be a parent until I was home from the hospital with DS1.

I went back to uni and graduated with a 2:1 with my 3 year old present, at the age of 20. I worked 3 jobs during this time. I became a teacher at the age of 22. I owned my own house at the age of 24 and had another child by the age of 25. This isn't a brag, there isn't a day that goes by that I am not eternally grateful to my parents for never giving up on me during this time. They supported me. They didn't force me when I wasn't ready. They stepped in and guided me when necessary. Neither myself or DS1 would be where they are without them and I fully admit that.

At the minute your daughter needs you, she doesn't need to make solid plans but needs to know someone is there. She needs to deal with the immediate reality. She needs to know you'll be there to help, as much as can be. Her boyfriend needs to stay at college. They both need to find part time work, look at the different financial support available (iirc a college student can claim working tax if working as well as child tax credits, they can also claim income support if not working and meet the other conditions: a uni student cannot claim income support).

Guide her and hope for the best because, as parents, that's all we can do

My life wasn't easy. I worked 3 jobs and studied; I never went on nights out; I never had a friends holiday. My life was forever planned around my child, as much as any other parent.
I never married DS1 dad. We split before he was 1. I've fought tooth and nail for what I have.

My parents have helped me unconditionally though, emotionally and financially (at certain times).

It's been fucking hard. I'm suffering with GAD. I've had pnd. I've broke down in tears more times that I can count. It's not a walk in the park.
Even now parenting an 8 year old when I'm 'stable' in life is hard. I have no close parental friends, many of DCs friends parents don't make the effort because I'm much younger. I never attended baby groups because I was at work or uni. I lost my friends because we were at different points in our lives.

I wouldn't swap him for the world.