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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 99% sure I'm not.

80 replies

mumpatrol · 09/07/2018 09:00

Have 2 DCs with DP both boys and both very much wanted and loved. However I know that DP and both sets of DGPs hoped for a girl when I was pregnant with DS2 (obviously they love both DCs the same and it's not a huge deal but I know they all hoped for a girl) - I wasn't fussed either way.

I found the first few months with DS1 extremely hard and looking back probably had mild undiagnosed PND. DS2 has been a lot different and I've coped a lot better but mainly struggling with sleep as he's still a baby and I'm EBF so all wakings are on me.
Since he was born I've had "are you going to try for a girl next?" From (albeit lovely) MIL who currently has 5DGCs who are all boys and both DGMs asking if they'll get to buy little dresses in the near future and other general remarks about hoping for a DGD.
DP has also asked to have another DC and by the sounds of it also in the hopes of having a girl - I know he will love a boy too but he's often talked about wanting one of each.

I've told him after DC2 that I'm done and happy with 2 DCs. He still often jokes about having another or jokes and talks about having a girl next. I know he'd love another DC as he's expressed if enough.
Also SIL cannot and does not want to have anymore and I know that in MILs eyes it has defaulted me as a last hope to have a DGD which is probably where the comments are coming from.

Realistically I'm happy with 2, I'm glad knowing that after this one I will not have to go through anymore sleep regressions Grin and I'm just thankful for two OK pregnancies and 2 lovely DCs. And I know since I don't want another that should be it and end of the topic as its my body and all that jazz.

Then why do I feel myself questioning my decision and sometimes wanting to just make DP happy and try for another and wondering if I'll regret not doing it down the line?

AIBU to just tell him that I don't want to hear any more allusions about another DC and to tell everyone to stop asking?

OP posts:
anotherangel2 · 09/07/2018 09:03

You a vvvvvvvvv not unreasonable.

You 100% get to decide not to have more children. What would happen if you did have another and it was a another boy? Would they want you to keep on having kids until you had a girl?

52FestiveRoad · 09/07/2018 09:05

If you don't want another then don't have one. Especially as it would be bowing to pressure to produce a girl. There are no guarantees and what if you had another boy? Would you be expected to have another & another until MIL gets what she wants?

WeeMadArthur · 09/07/2018 09:08

You are 100% not unreasonable! Apart from anything else, there is no guarantee that you would have a girl, or an ok pregnancy and healthy child. It’s always the parent who doesn’t want another child that gets the final vote (more so if they actually have to carry and give birth imo).

Speak to your DH and ask him not to mention it again, and also get him to speak to his family and ask them to drop it.

gamerchick · 09/07/2018 09:09

Get them all told that it's not happening and you don't want to hear any more about it. Can you imagine the pressure any little girl would be put under to keep them happy? Little dresses indeed!

Itoldyouiwasgeeky · 09/07/2018 09:09

Agree with another what if you have another and it’s a boy? Will there be pressure for a 3rd or 4th?

I’m my mums 4th girl and I’m grateful that she kept going and everything, but I am aware I wouldn’t be here if my sister was a boy.

Talith · 09/07/2018 09:10

YANBU. And there's nothing wrong in asking that they stop with the questions. As you say the difficult early months will pass and you can settle into enjoying mothering your sons. I know I didn't want another pregnancy after two DS, couldn't have cared less if it would have been a girl or a boy or even a magic unicorn!

Sparkletastic · 09/07/2018 09:14

My friend gave into pressure to try for a girl. And then to try again. Ended up with 4 boys.

Handsfull13 · 09/07/2018 09:15

I have only boys and always hear are we trying for a girl. We were only having one and was surprised with twins so we definitely aren't having another.
I would have loved to have a girl but I won't change one of my boys for one.

It's not unreasonable to want to stop.
Also from what I've heard it's the sperm that decides the sex so maybe your husbands family only make boys.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 09/07/2018 09:16

If they're so bothered about buying little dresses they should get a doll Hmm
You are absolutely not being unreasonable not to have another child in order to satisfy someone else's desire to shop for pink, frilly things. I would find their continuosly dropping not so subtle hints about you having a girl annoying and a bit insulting to the two lovely DC you already have. Why aren't they enough simply because of their sex? If you feel you're done, I would make it clear that you're done and draw a line under it so they get the message.

MissConductUS · 09/07/2018 09:21

Of course you're not BU. Tell them you're not a brood cow and even if you wanted a third DC, which you don't, there's no way to "try" for a girl.

It never ceases to amaze me how people think that having children is a public project.

I have two DC and I'm glad we stopped there.

CrackerCrisp · 09/07/2018 09:23

I feel your pain as I have two beautiful boys and get asked if I want a girl. Because you can just order them, right?

I tell people I don’t want any more children. Couldn’t care less what sex they are, I don’t want 3, we are happy with 2.

FASH84 · 09/07/2018 09:26

I grew up near a family who had six daughters, all one to two years apart, it was common knowledge they kept 'trying for a boy' there was then a five year gap and a seventh baby, another girl. I do wonder what it must be like for the younger girls knowing they only exist because their parents hoped for a son. If you want to stop at two, stop, it's your body.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/07/2018 09:30

Can you imagine the favouritism if you did have a girl? All those relatives cooing over 'the only girl in the family' and how that would make your boys feel? And the pressure on the girl to be 'girlie' and wear all those 'little dresses' and play with all the pink she would be bought?

Oh YANBU, by the way.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/07/2018 09:32

You aren't 99% being unreasonable. You are 100% not being unreasonable.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/07/2018 09:33

Point out to them that no child, least of all a girl, is a doll they can buy little dresses for. And that you are not going to have any more children, and there is nothing to discuss.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/07/2018 09:34

Tell ‘em every time they bring it up that until they’ve crowd-funded the £15k for IVF + Sex selection, you won’t entertain the notion. Once the campaign is funded, then you’ll consider whether they need to crowd-fund a surrogate to boot.

Maybe they’ll start to appreciate what kind of effort their ‘off the cuff’ & ‘light-hearted’ suggestion really entails. If they want it so badly, what are they prepared to do about it? Put it back onto them every time. It’ll be ‘so funny’, won’t it??!

Hoppinggreen · 09/07/2018 09:34

My friend went down this route and has 4 boys

bigKiteFlying · 09/07/2018 09:35

Well obviously YANBU.

Third child could well be a boy - and if they are a girl they may well not be the stereotypical envisaged girl - loving frilly clothes and pink.

They may not realise their comments are upsetting you - so yes talk to your DP and let him know you don't want all these comments.

Forfolkssake · 09/07/2018 09:35

YANBU

Juells · 09/07/2018 09:36

Are you a cow? Hmm Tell them all to fuck off.

ohtheholidays · 09/07/2018 09:39

YANBU,I have 5DC 3 DS's and 2DD's,I had my Sons first and when I was pregnant with my 4th I had some people that didn't know me very well comment"oh you must be desperate for a girl"I was disgusted that anyone would think I was pregnant because I wasn't happy with my sons,anyone that made that comment I told them I loved all of my boys and I'd be over the moon if I had another son,all that mattered to me was that the baby was born healthy and well.

My DS's were very excited about the pregnancy and they did want a Sister but they didn't mind if they had another Brother but our 2DD's are spoiled rotten by they're big brother's.

I was lucky none of my family cared if I had a boy or a girl they just wanted me and the baby to be alright.

Cornettoninja · 09/07/2018 09:40

No, don’t have a baby just to please other people. Especially when their criteria is ‘girls only’.

It’s a daft thing for them to be pushing, it’s always a 50/50 chance and the pressure you would end up putting yourself under - never mind what other people would heap on - over something you have zero control over isn’t worth it. Imagine how you’d feel announcing another boy, no baby should come into the world to be greeted with a ‘but’.

Tell them to do one - I believe there are places in Europe that’ll perform ivf on post menopausal women if they’re that desperate.

EiraCat · 09/07/2018 09:41

Someone I know desparately wanted a girl after having 3 boys. They ended up with another boy!

bigKiteFlying · 09/07/2018 09:42

Couple of families my IL know tried for one more - ended up with twins.

Lawrence22 · 09/07/2018 09:43

I read once that if you've had a couple of DC of the same sex, then the best way to ensure that you have one of a different sex the next time around is... to change your partner! Tell that to DH and MIL...

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