Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marrying a monster!

117 replies

devastatedtonight · 08/07/2018 22:13

Sorry for posting here for traffic. I need a hand hold. We’ve been planning our wedding for six months, together four years. Had our ups and downs, he can be nasty and angry but so can I.

Tonight he’s said stuff there’s no going back from. Apparently I gave him a deadline to marry me, he’s angry he doesn’t have an engagement gift, I don’t pay him rent (he doesn’t pay rent he has a house fully paid for from an inheritance), when I moved in I offered to pay and he didn’t want to take it. He has two children and I’ve always paid half towards everything, so I don’t think I’m freeloading. He has wealthy parents and a lot of money in the bank, we were going halves on the wedding and I had to get a large bank loan.

He’s said his daughter hates me. Shouted the most awful names to me.

Sorry I’m waffling. I’ve walked out and am sat in my car. He won’t answer his phone now. I’m not in a good place.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 09/07/2018 01:51

£5k is a bargain (and you might be able to claim some of it back). Run for the hills. You’ve had a lucky escape. And stop phoning him. He doesn’t deserve your time or energy.

Herbie88 · 09/07/2018 01:51

I married an asshole and its a big regret of mine. Im in a bad palce at the moment for ither reasons. Please leave him and live ur life when u still can x

AcrossthePond55 · 09/07/2018 01:53

That 5k is a good example of the 'sunk costs fallacy'. That something you've invested a lot in must be stuck to or you'll 'lose your investment'. That 5k is gone, it's not coming back unless you can manage to get some refunds. 5k is NOT worth squandering the rest of your life on.

Go somewhere for the night. Even a cheap motel. Tomorrow start making calls to recoup any money you can from deposits, return anything that you can, cancel all the arrangements. See if you can take a couple of days off work to sort out new accommodations. Get your stuff out and couch surf if you have to.

You've had a very lucky escape and 5k (although a lot of money) will seem a cheap price to pay when you realize how close you came to ruining your life.

CluelessMummy · 09/07/2018 01:56

Best money you ever spent. If he'd just paid for the wedding you most likely would have wasted years with this man.

I'm so sorry this happened to you but at least it's happened before the wedding. You've had a very lucky escape. A friend of mine split with her STBXH six months after their wedding and now has wedding debt to top yours, not to mention an expensive divorce.

AHometownGypsy · 09/07/2018 01:59

Get out now. I know it won't be easy but it will be a hell of a lot harder if you marry him. Stay strong Thanks

namechangedbcos · 09/07/2018 02:03

Sometimes there is a price to the lessons we learn in life. Yours was 5k. Bloody darn cheap, from where I am looking. I lost 16 years of my life, most of my sanity and a lot of money trying to change a situation before learning that I should have walked away in the beginning instead of hoping for the best and trying my best. Believe me, 5k is nothing.

Walk away, OP. You deserve better. Do NOT go back to this man, forgive him and take him back, you will come to regret it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/07/2018 02:19

Best money you ever spent. If he'd just paid for the wedding you most likely would have wasted years with this man.

Perfectly put and 100% true.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 09/07/2018 02:29

No kids together? Praise be!
Don't walk away from him, fucking RUN - and never ever look back.

everydaymum · 09/07/2018 02:34

Its a 5k lesson - but money well spent. You're in the car so turn the key and drive away. Have someone go back to the house with you to pack your things and then don't look back. You have amazing things ahead of you and he has no right to be a part of them.

MurielTheSheepDog · 09/07/2018 03:49

Stay strong op. I hope you found a safe place to stay tonight and wake up feeling stronger and more determined tomorrow.
Please listen to the advice on here. He isn't a nice person.
Good luck xxx

steppemum · 09/07/2018 06:36

Hard to believe a man could be such a twat that he lets his girlfriend borrow money for their wedding when he's got enough to pay for it. That should've been the first sign.

^^ this.
You are a couple, together, partners, and you should have been paying for the wedding together. Any debt incurred for the wedding should have been joint.

run away

Ethylred · 09/07/2018 06:43

You have dodged a bullet. Well done. I failed to dodge my bullet and regret it. Very much indeed.

wheezing · 09/07/2018 06:55

Don’t speak to him today OP and for God’s sake stop apologising! Get somewhere to stay for the medium term lined up.

What a dick. Who the hell makes their fiancée take out a loan when they have plenty? Not a good person. You’d never EVER be equal in that marriage.

5k for the chance to have a happy life without him? Bargain! Smile

category12 · 09/07/2018 06:59

Hard to believe a man could be such a twat that he lets his girlfriend borrow money for their wedding when he's got enough to pay for it. That should've been the first sign.

When you get married, marry someone who wants to share with you - not someone who would see you in debt in the name of "equal contributions". You're supposed to be in it together, not one better off than the other. If you couldn't afford the wedding, it should have been downsized or he should have paid if he didn't want a smaller one. Not you going into debt for it.

Anyway, bullet dodged. Don't go back.

Roussette · 09/07/2018 07:03

I think the fact he blames you entirely tells you all you need to know. What wealthy man expects his fiancee to take out a loan to get married to him?

Think of the £5K as what you have to pay to get rid of him! It's like an exit payment and will be worth it in the end.

Good luck, I'm sure this is hard but whatever happens don't go through with the wedding

Juells · 09/07/2018 07:05

HRTFT

You're not married to him, and you don't have children with him. Hurray!

Thank your lucky stars. Don't let him write it all off as wedding jitters, that bile came from a real place of resentment.

chocatoo · 09/07/2018 07:06

You have had a lucky escape!

londonrach · 09/07/2018 07:22

£5000 is an investment if it saves you from him. Be vvvv strong and keep running xx

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 09/07/2018 07:34

How are you this morning op? You've made the right decision to leave. Just keep going.

KC225 · 09/07/2018 08:05

Hoping you spent the night with a loved one who has your best interests at heart. Please tell us you didn't go back to him.

Moltenpink · 09/07/2018 08:44

Hi OP, I hope you are feeling ok. Please do ask if you can get deposits etc back, a lot of hotels and venues are flexible on this, especially if it’s a date they can resell.

LovelyBath77 · 09/07/2018 09:17

Can you cancel any of the stuff and get a refund? I would try to put it behind you, i agree definitely a lucky escape. kind thoughts

Smudge100 · 09/07/2018 09:40

What i regret most about my first marriage was not walking away when i saw the first signs, shortly before the wedding. Guess what? It didn‘t get better, it got worse, a whole lot worse.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 09/07/2018 09:44

Run, run far away from this man. That £5k is nothing compared to the misery you'll experience if you go ahead with the wedding.

LagunaBubbles · 09/07/2018 09:49

You are going to be £5000 in debt either way. But it will be much better in the long run to be free of this man and have peace in your life (even though it might not seem like it in the short term) and pay loan than to be stuck in an abusive relationship trying to pay it back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread